T HE MI CH IGA N D A ILY
Monday. Februorv 11 195
CAMPUS HIT BYaarky ells-
IIt's nothing really, in the over-
all makeup of the spheres."
That is how Professor Dan M.
Malarky, of the philosophy depart-
**Bment, modestly describes the im-
,_7By ERASMUS DOOLINGLE portance of his life works.
+The axe has fallen.*
A' '" - " U'nder the searching probe of BTTOEwoko rfs
S's""""' th House Tn-MidwesternrActivi- sor Malarky say that he usually
"ties Committee, the University has does not have such a cosmic view
been rent from its grey-haired of things.
stem to its plush stern. "Why Dan M. is one of the
r Administrators, faculty members most down-to-earth m en I
and even the students have been know. Look under any bar at
thrown into a frenzy of turmoil any .." one colleague slipped.
by the investigations of Rep. Elmo Universally disliked by his stu-
+ P. Snort and his colleagues. dents, tall, ugly Professor Malarky
With only the scantiest of leads is actually a devoted, kind family-
the Congressmen have pinned type man, and maintains his gruff
C *. down members of the University demeanor is only a "cover-up.
community, as being not only un- "Don't want these students to run
Midwestern, but un-Republican, all over me you know."
WHAT WAS a week ago an HIS FAMILY consists of what
t ~~~~~~~easy-going, devil-may-care acda- the neighbors call a "long-suffer- WA A ekaoa I AIYcnit fwa
" mecian's paradise, is now a shock- tg" wife and two grasping daugh-
y ~ ed repentent, leaderless, drab, ters. Hio favorite at home, ac-
4 chastened wake. cording to the professor, is his red
op ranking officials in the Ad- blood hound Plato.
ministration are either trying to An avid scholar, Professor
.clear themselves of Snort's fiery Malarky is noted for making
charges, or are fleeing to the bor- more incomprehensible referen
der to avoid prosecution under ces in his lectures than any PROF. D. M. MALARKY
criminal charges. (See story, p. 2). other professor . something new
S' Most faculty members remain As one of his flunkees put it
- i intheir class rooms, though a "Among men who know the lest
fes refuse to be seen ii public, it's Malakyfiftysix to one " sent, Professor Malarky refu ed
ohe majority of the men de- . t say.
ded themselves in sterling THE PROFESSOR has built up There is a short hiatus b -
THW E orations before the committee. hia extraodinaiyeputaion teen hs play days at State
iG i But shrewd Congressional cou- thiough fifteen unbelnevadleevraos College and his wardenship at
iea picked them apart-proving Wrongagin. There are no con-
tem for the most part to be as5 firsations on this, but rumor
s> -ru-Midwestern as the next man. has it he transferred from the
PRO OIIE FIILGVR ETPOOPO The biggest blow has been to " state institution at Lansing to
PRO OIIE FIILGVRMN HT R- the students as a body. Not only another loated in Jckson.
V5DED BY REP EP SNORT SHOWS CAMPUS WHEEL LEM have they had to sffer the sight
P'ILLHOX BARING AT SIDESHOW of their academic leaders under In his spare time the profesor
the enerating fire of the probers. cmmuea to Wahington to prac-
Their own fellows have been shown tice public speaking in the Senate.
- o ' N o n -o "as traitors to the cause * * *
*,r'yr * * *PROFESSOR MALARKY has
aR( -' x , fr ;ce fr SNORT PROVED beyond a n eve r published a "scholarly
-,'c doubt that many students do not ork," but he is currently working
*e 4r w even live in the Midwest. "This is on a philosophical - astrological
to be deplored beyond a shadow ... theory which "should shake things
01*- of a doubt'' he snorted. r up a bit.
"Further, I have proof, proof
beyond a shadow of a doubt, "It all has to do with the
C e that the very much respected cosmos," he explained, thumb-
campus leader Lem Pillbox-and ing through a "Stars" magazine.
for Your I dare to say this off the floor' "Come and see my labratory.
of Congress mind you-is a The professor would not elabor-
Vlentine phony. I repeat a phony." 's ate on his theory any further, but
Snort then produced photo- ( he revealed his lab, a comfortable-
graphs showing Pillbox to be noth- looking room equipped with a
ing more than a cheap sideshow well-stocked bar and two poker
barker at a sideshow. PLATO tables.
But when the committee is gone,*.u.s. a blooded hound
-tand unMidwesternism is squelch- "Ton see, he said, devotedly
ed from the campus, really truely at the University. "I hate it here," stirring a bubbling cauldron, "I
r'. Midwesterners are planning a re- he confided, "but a man's got to can't explain yet, but it might
: - '+ vival of Midwesternism here at live. even revolutionize the Phoeni
Midwestern University. The gaunt, fun-loving gentle- Project."
man came here in 1937 from
Wrongagin Boys School in Alas-
ka, where he was warden. lie
began at the University as a full
professor and head of his de- To Tryouts
partment. Through a series of
what Professor Malarky calls
"fortunate mistakes" he has Tryouts for the Student Play-
been demtoed steadily, now er's coming production of Vyeshe-
"precariously" holding an assist- slav Fardrate's adaptation of
ant professorship. M a x i m Farblandzhate's "The
Rngs shown "I don't like responsibility," he Tzoodrater" will meet at 4 p.m.
d 'While you're explained, as he carefully exam- tomorrow in Rm. 570 of the Ron
priced from ined a round green object. mance Languages Bldg.
R REMINISCING a*a*A knowledge of Sanscript is ne
i-HOp tlk!0WHERE HIS early life was cessary.
If she's THE girl, Valentine's Day is
THE day to give her THE ring from0o
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