Monday, February 12, 1951 THE MICHIGAN DAILY Page Thirteen
Provincial . Loses Ruthbone!
By PEW BEERSON
Alex Enjoys Retirement Tension mounted at sprawling Provincial University yesterday with the announcement
of President Alexander G. Ruthbone's retirement from the presidency of the University.
0n F oowbau Parlay Loot Although President Ruthbone's retirement has been expected for several months, the
* n * * * *'* ° *"'University's blackrobed Board of
Ity ELEZEAR APHRADAS Regents has remgined tight-lip-
President Alexander G. Ruth- ,ped as to the possible identity of
bone sallied off into retirement his successor,
yesterday with an estimated $340,- 'THE ONLY "LEAK" which has
000 and seven used football parlay emanated for the Regents' lush
cards tucked into his pocket. suite in the Ivory Tower Admini-
"I've been waiting for years for stration Building was reorted by
Provincial's chief janitor, Eric
my bad luck to break,'' he wasHae.
Haler
heard to chuckle. Under intense
questioning Ruthbone admitted Halter allegedly discovered a
scrap of paper nestling in the
that he had "cleaned up" on a two-inch-thick carpet in the
student-run football pool last No- two-ncs ick carktain the
vember and intended to take ad-a i Regents private cocktail lounge
vantgem ofrhisdininsd goingkd-which indicated that President
vantage of his winnings by going Ruthbone's successor would be
into retirement while he could ° named on February 22, 1953.
afford it.n d F 21
Meanwhile, seculation continued
WITH mixed feelings, Ruthbone to run rampant on the Provincial
revealed the story of how gam- campus. Administrators and facul-
bling had nearly been his down- ty members vying for the lucra-
all "It all began when I was a tive presidency have intensified
young herpetologist," he said. their efforts to endear themselves
to the Regents-doubling control
"One day my mother sent me Fregulations over student activities.
a chameleon. Some of the other
fellows and I got to wondering EVEN THE Provincial students,
what color it would turn when when allowed to gather together
placed on a piece of blue paper, in small groups of two or three
We laid down bets. Then we every Sunday evening, heatedly
lead down the chameleon. The debated the possibilities and
damn thing died. But not be-,U pushed favorite candidates.
fore it turned magenta, which Although nothing is known
was my color. for certain on the Provincial
"That started things. My mother campus, these persons loom as
used to send me chameleons all the most likely candidates to
the time, and we would bet on ALEXANDER RUTHBONE YESTERDAY LEFT THE OFFICE HE HAD OCCUPIED FOR 22 YEARS fill President Ruthbone's shoes:
them. WITH A SIMPLE, BUT IMPRESSIVE CEREMONY, ATTENDED ONLY BY A FEW FRIENDS 1. James P. Madman, Provost of
* *$ ® -** , * *the University since 1937. Former-
"4 DIDN'T always win. In fact, president, things were even that some enterprising students fling to break even. I was in pret- ly a professor of home economics
I lost most of the time. So I rougher. Bigger stakes. I found were planning distribution here on ty deep. But I finally hit it!" at Harvard; Madman has won the
turned to bigger things to recoup myself gambling on everything campus, I could hardly contain Chortling quietly, Ruthbone widesread acclaim of the student
my losses. You know-the races, - legislature appropriations, myself. brushed a bit of snow from his body for his hearty support of the
card games, football pools, and alumni legacies, and so on. * * * double-breasted burberry. "In- Student Legislature's school spirit
that sort of thing. "But football pools are my "I DIDN'T WIN the first time. sidious, this gambling," he re- program,
"When I became a university special vice. When I discovered In fact, it took considerable jug- marked. 2. Marvin L. Kisshus, vice-presi-
.__ ..._ .-_..... dent of the University since 1948,
Kisshus, formerly a professor in
Alder en Propose Plans Provincial's Law School, has di-
As fst nd asy s "ettng' ourhai! A l ern en ropo e P ans rected the intricate job of "sell-
As-fast and easy as "setting" your hair! sing" the University to the local
Thryeatning University ifetownspeople.
the' 3. Prof. James K. Wedlock of
the political science department.
Tall, softspoken Wedlock has
By D. H. FANGHORNER "I think," he suggested with a won international recognition as
Temporarily foiled in their at- ceilingward glance at some roach- an expert on Inner Mongolian
tempt to turn fraternity row into es which were crawling about in affairs. As chairman of the
a ghost avenue, fuming Ann Ar- the sky light, "that we should give political science department he
<N Ubor aldermen unveiled a new idea the University 24 hours to get the has won the admiration of his
P Cto "get the students" and took un- hell out of town." entire staff for his open-minded
der advisement a proposal to run "Let's show 'em we aren't acceptance of divergent idealo-
ERMANENT the University out of town. afraid to call a spade a spade," gies.
These developments came at the the East side alderman contin- 4. John A. Hamma, president of
close of an unusually stupid coun- ued. "Let's make it illegal for 'em neighboring Hogwash State Agri-
AVo SVE cil meeting last night at which the to own property." cultural College. Although Hamma
East side aldermen maintained the In quick succession, the council: has done a remarkable job of re-
only long-standing Chinese checkers 1. Voted to approve Bitterswat's building Hogwash's barn empire,
lead over their West side collea- motion. it is felt by many that he would
00gues. 2. Drafted a postcard to the Uni- not be acceptable to the Regents
* * * versity informing them of the ac- because of his easygoing manner
com (plus Ia22 Fed. Ta) JUST AS THE last marble was tion. with his faculty and because of his
being forfeited and the body was 3. Were brought up short by Al- ultra-liberal political leanings. In
preparing to adjourn for the night, derman Snore who expressed him- addition, it is doubtful that Ham-
SAldermanA. D. Snore rose, drama- self in favor of the general philo- ma would accept the job if it were
tically cleared his throat, and sophy behind the plan, but object- offered to him since he prefers a
threw his evening's winnings on ed to it on the specific grounds growing college-"where you can
the table, declaring that the time that it would deprive the city of actually see the corn growing out-
had come to put away childish the revenue which could be gain- side the barn."
ti things. ed from student sidewalk fees. 5. Senator Robert A. Shaft.
"From now on," proposed Al- , , Senator Shaft, however, would
derman Snore, "the students SAID SNORE: "Bitterswat, in probably not be available for the
must purchase licenses to walk your effort to take up the cudgels job since he is currently leading an
the streets of our fair city," for the townspeople in making the American army to the defense of
, A roar of approval greeted his University toe the line you are ac- Outter Mongolia. And it is doubt-
* 9. sally, and fully awake, the alder- tually playing into the hands of ful that he would accept the job.

men "got down to brass tacks," In those who advocate that we allow "Provincial is just too provincial
quick succession, they: students to ride roughshod over us for me," says Shaft.
1. Listened to Snore explain that and our sidewalks.
under his plan, all students would "Let us stand shoulder to
f f be required to pay a 25 dollar fee shoulder, with no private axes to Dead Bodies
"f at the beginning of each semester grind, and add grist to the com-
to cover wear and tear on the city's mon mill whose purpose is to IM ar Scenery
Easy. Make pin curls with lovely. Oil-rich, secret-process sidewalks and streets. grind but one commodity at a
Curlstick and special alley Spun-Cream waving lodeon 2. Amended the plan to read "25 time - first the students and
Bobbie-pins that cannot discolor conditions hair; resultsin dollars in the fall and 35 dollars then the University. We can't The bodies of 14 University stu-
erinjurehair. So fast (yet safe), silk-soft waves, in the spring, since spring weather afford to fish in troubled wa- dents were found in the arbore-
*ais more detrimental to cement ters, Bitterswat, lest our zeal tum this morning mutilated with
some hair takes a permanent than fall weather." prove to be our Achilles' heel." a hatchet which was found stuck
In just a few minutesl 3. Voted unanimously to adopt "That's a real point, Snore," in a tree near one of the hacked
Snore's plan. said the mayor who had just fin- corpses.
4. Helped two of the older alder- ished picking up the last of Snore's University officials are investi-
men from the chambers after they discarded marbles. "Now I move gating to determine if foul play
refused to stop laughing. that we adjourn." has been done. They were loth to
§ l/e Juarr** The mayor's motion carried and jump to any hasty conclusions re-
A MOTION was then made to aldermen are today offering Hill garding the apparent crime. One
adjourn, but Alderman T. S. Bit- Auditorium as a reward to any said that the mutilation was due
320 SOUTH STATE PHONE 2-3109 terswat nayed, asking leave to pre- person who can tell them how they perhaps as much to whimsey as
sent another proposal. can adopt both plans. malice.