THE MICHIGAN DAILY

Friday, March 3, j944

Friday, March 3, 1944

THE MICHIGAN DAILY


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Wastebasket Reveals Secret Calendar for
Of How the Irish Skunked Us Spooning under


The following story was resur-
rected from The Daily files (the
wastebasket) after the last Notre
Dame football game. As yet, we
have not been able to discover the
author of this masterpiece of
sports reporting. but the story was
so remarkable that we feel it
should not suffer )y remaining out
of print. Besides, we have to fill
this damned extra up with some-
thing.
Michigan's miginty football team
was beaten by some team called
the Irish today, although why they
call them Irish is more than I
have figured out. I looked over
my program during a lull in the
excitement (some guy called Mill-,
er was running 90 yards for a I
touchdown and it was so dull be-
cause nobody had a chance to
catch up with him) and there were
only a few names on it which I
could even spell, let alone pro-
nounce. Anyway, the Irish beat
us-I've forgotten the score but
it doesn't really matter, I guess.
A Great Game
"It was an exciting game, the
two teams ran around all over the
field and every once in a while a
little guy in a checkered shirt

(gee, was he cute until his hat
blew off and I could see he was
bald) would blow a whistle or wave
his arms like crazy and they would
start allover. Honestly, they must
have started -the game at least
seven times. I never saw any-
thing so silly.
"Michigan had a player named
Daley-not to be confused with
r:aily which also goes by other
names-who seemed to be pretty
good. He kept running with theI
ball right into the middle of theI
other team and getting himself
knocked down. He was kind ofE
dumb, though, because the IrishI
always ran where there weren't
any Michigan players and didn't
get knocked down so often. Per-
sonally. I thought the MichiganI
team wasnt very smart.
jThe Bitter End
"Anyway, it ended after awhile
and we all went home. The Irish
were pretty happy, but we didn't
feel so good so I guess we must
have lost. They were all singing
a song about "Beer. Beer for Old
Notre Dame" or something.
"It was silly because who is
Notre Dame? probably some old
woman who likes to get drunk.
So, we lost, but it was our own
fault as I have shown above.."

A Potent Moon
Schedule for Secluded Tours
In Moonlit Arboretum
Set for Frustrated Students
For the benefit of those earnest
students of lunar psychology, wej
are publishing a list of the nights
when the moon will be at its best.
March 10: This is on a Friday so
the Navy boys will have to do
their studying early in the eve-
ning. Tough luck!
April 8: Get your equipment. chil-
lun, this hits the jackpot . . .
yessir. it's on a Saturday night.
(Notice! Special excursions will be
leaving the East and West
Quad- . stepping at Stockwell

HERE TODAY...
GONE TO BORROW
By HARVEY FRANK
One of Michigan's least publicized athletic teams will be making
its bid for fame this Saturday night when Coach Paul Winchell's pin-
ball charges try for their fourth straight Conference championship
at Evanston's Bumper Ballroom.
The Wolverines, who will be sporting new yellow and blue finger-
less gloves for the occasion, are, undefeated in Big Ten competition.
having defeated Minnesota. Iowa. Illinois, Ohio State and Purdue
by at least 2,000 points and two lights in each match.
Their closest shave came last Saturday against the Boiler-
makers when Monroe "Special" Fink came through with his
specialty on his fifth ball, putting the sphere in the center
special slot to give the Maize and Blue its two light margin of
victory. And few fans who saw the match will ever forget the
way "Special" controlledI the machine, grunting and jerking as he
first tapped it from the side and then from the back.
Coach Winchel l and his squad spent all day yesterday in the
town's various drug stores and restaurants brushing up on their last
minute attack. Said Winchell when asked about his team's chances,
Uls we meet some unepected tilts, I think the boys have enough
bumps in them to come out on the top of the heap."
Hank Foomatra Sends School
Jiv ecats 'Out of ThisWorld'
4 -- -------

and Jordan Halls for an ex-
tended tour of the Arb. This
event courtesy of the Forestry
Dept., who will furnish a few
chaperones.)
June 6: This is a Tuesday, so Ec
51 will postpone its 2 p.m. ses-
sion until the evening, when all
Hades will break loose. Meet at
the gate at Geddes Ave. Roll
will be called out at ten minute
intervals, so don't wander too
far.
July 6: Thursday, but who gives a
darn?
August 14-This is my birthday,
and President Ruthven is going
to declare an all-campus holi-
day. All exams will be post-
poned indefinitely, students and
profs will change places and the
campus will look like something
out of a Dick Tracy comic book.
No spooning, no knifing- no
eating.
t null

Solid senders in the record bus-
iness are few and far between, but
there's one little band (Willed "One
Little Band") that's really record-s
ing out of this world. In fact
it records so far out of this world
that it's practically impossible to
buy the recordings.
Much is to be said of the newest
sensation this side of Ypsilanti,
Hank E. Foomatra IV, of the Con-
necticut Foomatras. His rendi-
tion of "Shoe, Shoe Maybe . . . If
I Can Get the Ration Stamp" is
strictly mellow. This waxing is
backed by "She Was Only an Inn-
keeper's Daughter, But She Cer-
tainly Knew the Rumors'' which is
also sensational in a super colossal
sort of way.
Sweet and sentimental, col-
lectors go for "No Love, No
Nothin', after Morgenthau Is
Through" by Duchess "Mother"
Kraft and her 28 variety orches-
tta. This is backed l y the groovy
"Greetings Gate, Let's Oscillate,"
featuring "Besamemoo" Joe.
For the long hairs who aren't
hep to the jive many new classical
ilbums have come out . . . too bad
they didn't stay in. Especially
charming is the "Sonata for Bass

Drumm and Piccolo" by Shosto-
fitchshampoo. Other celebrated
works by this composer include
"Sonata for Two Bass Drums and
Two Piccolos" and "Variations on
a Theme for Piano Bench, Music
Stand and Metronone." H1mm.
this column is getting to be so long
. . . well, so long.
Dail Calls
Special Meeting
It is importatn htat eveyr emm-
ber of hte Michiagn Daliy staff
aeppar promtply at a sepclia prfoo-
rrdeagni meteing which will be
hlde in the Sudtent Publciatoins
Biulding nxet Wendsay at $p.m.
*Proffreadgni is an essentail fro
eveyr nwespapre adn the Dliay
stands fro acuraccy at 1ha timse.
Frsehmna dna sofmores aer rqe-
uirde to attend.
-City Eidtor
We DON'T CARE TO BET
DEPARTMENT
(from an advertisement)
When wintry winds whistle and
the sleet hisses against the window
pane-that's grand!
For never was a night made
more to ordel for youtohenjoy a
deep - flavored, heart - warming
Four - Roses - and - soda before a
cheery open fire!
Maybe tonight will be such a
night-maybe it won't.
Maybe it won't. -(Ed. note.)

Resurrected
Tidbits from
The Gargoyle:
'He Kissed Her When or
How To Get Away with It'
Paints Michigan of Yore
Now gone but not forgotten,
that famed institution of higher
endeavor akin to the sagacity of
the University campus is that
quaint publication 'known as the
Gargoyle.
Its pages have gone the way of
all great things in wartime, but
its humor and style will live once
more. With your kind permission
we herewith reprint some of the
more memorable items of years
gone by.
In December 1942, we found-
Then there's the teaching fellow
with the stern look whose mother
was frightened by the rear end of
a ferry boat.
Or in January 1943-
He: Say you love me. say it; say
it; say it.
She: You love me.
Or, perhaps in the summer of
1943 'and more up to date, we
found this poem:
Alack, alas
A lack of gas
He who lacks gas
Will lack a lass
We were only trying to give a
time honored picture of the high
caliber of material published in
the Garg-known that way to its
friends.
We realize that you will be
thrilled by further reading of the
old Gargs, so we have arranged a
guided tour through the years.
Appointments may be made by
calling 25587 and asking for Marj.1
BULLETIN
LONDON, March 3.-(PU)-It
was reported yesterday that
Adolph Hitler, little known and
less cared about world gangster,
had landed in the Scottish Hills
3451/ miles due east of here, by
reliable sources.
The same source indicated early
this morning that the countryside;
was slightly stirred over the new
arrival who, it was thought, came
seeking the companionship of his1
companion Rudy Hess who came
here for a vacation about a year
ago.
Adolph, as he is called by his9
friends (both of them), didn't re-
ceive the hospitality he thought
he deserved.
A local constable threw him into
prison on vagrancy and loiteringf
charges in a national emergency.
The reports have not been for-I
warded to Winnie who is reported]
preparing for a trip somewhere1
in the world to meet a well knownc
foreign government leader to talk
over something pertaining to oth-
er things.
The queen bee is a hardy sout
Who doesn't believe in birth1
control,a
And that is why one always sees
So very many sons of bees.

Caught with the Goods

By EX PERT.
Special To The Daily
PODUNK, on the Nile-March 3
-The charred and mutilated body
of Filander File was found three
miles west of here late tomorrow
morning by a milk company field
worker.
No indication of the cause of
his violent death could be un-
covered by the Junior Commandos
who investigated. The murder re-
mained an unsolved mystery untill
three enterprising members of the!
press-men of The Michigan Daily
down here to take mineral baths-_
discovered the true facts. We
herewith reprint their detailed
findings filed to the sheriff in aj
185,648 page brief.
Filander's death posed an in-
teresting problem. Above all it
gave us an opportunity to put
the straight thinking we learned
in "Stock Market" Anderson's
Ee course to work.
Filander was the father of 19
children, four pair of siamese
twins, two sets of triplets, and
five quintuplet children, all boys
and one girl.
It has often been said that Fil-
ander in his own quiet unassum-
ing way was the inspiration of Pa-
pa Dionne.
Well, Filander worked in a
pickle factory as a taster. He
sucked pickles day in and day out
Sandnever complained that his
mouth was turning into a deter -
mined cajoul.
He worked diligently for Filand-
er was that type of man. His
wife was hen pecked, but that
didn't bother him.
But then came that fateful hap-
pening in Filander's life.
It was March and although itt
didn't believe in Caesar's Ides he

4

felt ti
of rec
One
at th'
those
and t
and a
He
his sh
an olc
ed. U
38 yE
dishes
No
thing
he
gress
com(
urin<
ed ai
mers;
ories
the
All s
For
lowed
eachc
he di
85 an
ber o
kitchE
The
Woult
millio
throu
He
and
and 1
it wa,
knew
pende
ThE
Smile
-NO
Fila
Fila
body
of het
it out

This comely queen was arrested in a suburban Los Angeles
County by the sheriff for being too "Free and Fantsy." The
sheriff said she is too "free" and not quite "fantsy" enough..
The Yellow Pages Tell What
To Do with a BoringDate

Who Killed Filar
The Finger Poini


In days gone by the problem of
the week-end of J-Hop was set-
tled with a two night dance, but
now, like most things, the second
night has become a war casualty
and the exuberant Michigan Man
with his big moment from Osh-
kosh is a bit puzzled as to what to
do tomorrow night.
Running through the yellow
pages of the telephone directory
we came across these suggestions,
if you are interested:
If you are old enough and CAN
PROVE IT to the local gendarmes,
you can spend "a quiet evening at
any one of the 75 taverns listed on
page 347.
If you are the normal, quiet
type of individual with an ulterior
moment, perhaps a night on the
bar room floor will suffice.
Across the county line there are
innumerable hot spots to head for.
Such fine entertainment as pin-
ball machines, ping-pong tables,
back scratchers and fortune tell-
ers can be found in Monroe. No
gas-stay home.
For a lark and to show your girl
friend what four years of college
has done for you, you can take
her on a guide tour of the stacks
of the main library.
For added pleasure and excite-
ment, you might try having a
manhole cover race down main
street if the sheriff is sleeping.
Then of course there is always
the arboretum and who needs to
describe it.
If all these suggestions don't
sound inviting you are still won-



MfRILYfl SHOPPE

dering what to do tomorrow night,
just follow the example of many
another frustrated Michigan man.
Shoot yourself.

t

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Clas ic§l


1 . 1
i 3 3
..t x.
..
i

for
Spring
An expensive -looking
suit tailored with. pre-
cision can be worn in
the tailored manner or
dressed up. Casually
perfect models that
you can wear and en-
joy now and way into
Spring.

II

A® i y

s®®i

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