SPORTS
The Big Ten channel will be
the next big thing on television
The Michigan Daily - Monday, July 17, 2006 - 15
In the weeks following the Big Ten's
announcement of the creation of its
very own TV channel, I've been able
to infiltrate the Big Ten headquarters in
Park Ridge, Ill. to smuggle out the chan-
nel's programming for its launch.
Sure, it may not launch until August
2007, but it's never too
early to prepare. Too bad
the Big Ten doesn't have
better security guards.m
The first show will feature a sit down
interview between legendary coach Joe
Paterno and Stuart Scott.
Scott: Yo JoePa ... last season your
team was off the hook and Michael Rob-
inson be all like "I'm sorry Ms. Jackson,
ohhhhhhhh, I am for reeeeeeeeal. Bam!
And he would score touchdowns.
LI What was it all like?
Paterno: What?
I
6:00 a.m.-7:00 a.m. -
"Tuesdays with Maury":
Talk show host Maury
Povich will make the jump
from helping disgruntled
husbands deal with their H. Jo
wife/sister cheating on
them and host this weekly BOSci
show aimed to help col- The Bos
lege athletes deal with the Watch
rigors of being a Division
I athlete. Some ideas for the show have
already been pitched, such as, "I couldn't
throw a ball 10 feet in high school but
now I'm the starting shortstop at Indi-
ana" and "Opposites attract" featuring
the 7'2" basketball center dating the 5'1"
gymnast. For every other day, this time
slot will feature infomercials.
Side note: Mitch Albom wrote a col-
umn about suing the Big Ten and Pov-
ich for naming rights, but it was later
revealed he never showed up to the
courthouse. Readers also found out that
the three men he discussed in the col-
umn: His lawyer, Povich and the judge
were also not there.
7:00 a.m.-12:00 p.m. - "Sportscen-
ter: Big Ten Edition": The channel may
be in collaboration with Fox Sports,
but ESPN is allowed to do its famous
Sportscenter for the Big Ten crowd. The
show runs for an hour and will play five
times in a row because ESPN wants to
make sure you don't miss the analysis on
Big Ten golf.
Ms
F
S(
t
12:00-12:30 - "Three's
Company": This sitcom will fol-
low around three football play-
ers: Jerome Jackson, Tyrone
Jordan and Landon Smith, and is
a coming-of-age show about the
SE trials and tribulations of team-
mates in college football. In the
H pilot episode, Jackson, Jordan
ch and Smith try to play a practi-
cal joke on a friend of theirs, but
the joke goes horribly wrong and
the three players face a stern lecture from
coach Lloyd Carr.
12:30-1:00 - "Titans of Taste": Wis-
consin athletic director Barry Alverez is
the host of this show, which will travel
across the Big Ten nation to find the hot-
test spots to eat on each campus. Viewers
will be able to e-mail Barry a crazy food
challenge that he will have to perform
at the end of each episode. At the end of
the first episode, Alverez will be in Ann
Arbor to have a burrito-eating contest
with Takeru Kobayashi outside of BTB
Burrito. Should be loads of fun!
1:00-2:00 - "The Price is Right":
Nothing that has to do with the Big Ten
here. Bob Barker is just that awesome.
2:00-5:00 -"Thelllinihoosierhawkeye-
wolverinespartangoldengopherwildcat-
buckeyenittanylionboilermakerbadger
Sports Magazine with Doug Karsch": Hilar-
ity ensures when Karsch takes two hours to
try and explain how every team in every
sport in the Big Ten is doing well.
Karsch: So the Michigan women's
softball team won its 10th conference
game in a row, sweeping Minnesota by
a combined score of 27-0. Now onto the
Golden Gophers softball team, which
fought valiantly against the Wolverines
this weekend, but fell in two heartbreak-
ing games.
6:00-7:00 - "Sportscenter: More Big
Ten Edition": In case you missed all of
the action in the morning, you can see it
again in prime-time.
Paterno: Let me get this straight -
are you asking me how I felt about the
season?
Scott: Boo-ya! Holla at ya boooooooy.
JoePa is finally feeling what I'm saying.
Paterno: ... What?
7:00-8:00 - "24": A reality TV show
that follows all the members of the Mich-
igan State football team with GPAs more
than 1.0.
8:00-9:00 - "What Not to Wear": Jim
Tressel, the suavely dressed coach from
Ohio State, becomes the fashion police
as he helps players and coaches alike
turn fashion faux pas into fashion fabu-
lous. His first guest: Tommy Amaker.
10:00-10:10 - "Great Moments in
Indiana Football History": The title real-
ly explains itself.
10:10-11:00 - "Deadwood": Joe
Paterno takes his wealth of knowledge
about life from the football field and uses
it to help sexually frustrated college stu-
dents deal with their lusty problems.
And that concludes our broadcast day.
What, you want more?
What do you think this is, NBC?
- Bosch hopes you don't take this seriously.
He can be reached at hectobos@umich.edu. Joe Paterno will be featured on the new Big Ten channel.
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