The Michigan Daily - Orientation Edition 2006 - 27 In defense of Mammy Spears f there's no experience in a woman's Curious scent. We're just confused at culture diva, Madonna, did little more life as sacred, fulfilling and life- the moment because, for all the media than make headlines that nobody read. affirming as the profound act of giv- hype surrounding the birth of your little With album sales down and her tantaliz- ing birth, then the ubiquitous princess of progeny, all the continuing speculation ing little-girl routine three years past its pop should be feeling a cozy inner glow about what the Spederline offspring will prime, Spears did the least logical thing this week. Britney Spears, our culture's be christened (US Weekly's call of PMS in the world. primary source of male fantasy, female Federline sounds pretty good), no one is She got married. In fact, she wed adoration and preteen anorexia brought entirely sure why you're still here. her multimedia empire to just about the forth a sweet little new fragrance this past When Spears first hit airwaves scrubbiest, scruffiest, sketchiest and all- week. And she popped out a kid to boot. across America, she was decked out in around skeeziest man you could imagine On Wednesday afternoon, US a naughty schoolgirl uniform with pink into existence. Kevin Federline, backup Weekly was the first to call the pop poofs in her plaited hair, a dancer and expectant father, singer's first successful step toward cheerleader routine and a despite all objections of overpopulating the earth (her musi- somewhat unorthodox plea morality, sanity and basic cal attempts at world destruction now for domestic violence. As hygiene, won the heart of foundering). Her website boasted an fetish novelty acts go, Brit- America's most famous pop exuberant Spears kissing a doo-rag- ney was a hit and an over- tart, and the joyful couple donning Kevin Federline with baby- night superstar. The moral embarked on a career- blue letters proclaiming to the world, implications of her image crushing whirlwind of pub- "It's a Boy!" and a statement as touch- were discussed ad nauseum, lic adoration. ing as it was grammatically incorrect, with outraged soccer moms If that weren't enough, "We are ecstatic to announce the birth decrying the singer's coy the whole circus was docu- of our son! Everyone is happy, healthy and subversive sexuality. AMANDA mented for the spectacu- and doing wonderful." Then came the hits ANDRADE larly unsensational UPN It's been a long journey for Spears, and - "Crazy,' "Oops, I Did it reality show, "Britney & America has walked every mile by her Again," "Stronger" - and they kept com- Kevin: Chaotic." The tedious celebra- side: From media reports of her dalliance ing. And the schoolgirl that everyone knew tion of love failed in its debut, and only with the family man Federline, to short- was a fad became a pop-culture icon, the got worse in subsequent airings. Com- lived outrage at his desertion of pregnant definitive face, moniker and, for better or bined with sagging album sales and a girlfriend Shar Jackson, to her over-the- for worse, voice of a generation. She sings, nonexistent film career, Britney's only top wedding (hey, it's her prerogative) she acts, she peddles perfume and an unat- profitable venture remains her perfume and finally to rabid media reports of her tainable image of perfection. line - where, as J.Lo so thoroughly reported pregnancy. And in the home She even remains famous when all the proved, the famemongers go when stretch, we've seen a photographer shot at substance of her empire has crumbled they've only got fame left to sell. her baby shower and enough photos of the around her. Britney hasn't headlined So what exactly happened to Spears bikini-clad, barefoot, baby mama to turn a major hit since "Toxic" and that was in the past few years to reduce her from us off celebrity gazing for a week. only a punctuation of an even longer dry kittenish sex goddess to public punching So, Britney, congratulations. We loved spell for the one-time hit factory. Even bag? A string of bad songs didn't hurt, and you circa 1999, and we totally dig that her overhyped duet with that other pop- her pregnancy weight suggested she was Uh oh, Britney, there's another pregnancy behind you. preparing to deliver a small village, or, at the very least, maybe twins. But above any of this was the simple fact that the illusion of Britney Spears has been irrevocably shattered. The Britney Spears that head- lined sold-out concerts but demurely pro- claimed her virginity; the Britney Spears who dated Ken-doll-Justin Timberlake and always had some excuse to show off those impeccable abs - that Britney is gone forever. But Spears is unique among the image- obsessed, fame-hoarding universe of cardboard celebrities. In a world where Tom Cruise has to brainwash a cookie- cutter starlet to pose on his arm and where Brangelina play peek-a-boo with the public to plug their umpteenth bad movie in the hopes of mutual career salvation, Britney's personal life is completely, absolutely her own. No publicist anywhere, in any state of mental disturbance, would have sug- gested this path. Sure, her new perfume line launched a day after her son's birth. I'll give her a pass. That baby and that hus- band are ravenous parasites slowly drain- ing her of every last ounce of goodwill and fame she's ever accumulated. And as far as I can tell, she couldn't be happier about it. - Andrade needs a reality check of epic proportions. Go ahead and give it to her at aandrade@umich.edu. Sept. 19, 2005 II Unitversity Tower Reserve your apartment home for next year starting End of November, 2006 Check us out online for prices, floor plans, and leasing information. OUR COMMUNITY FEATURES: Fully Furnished Apartments Outdoor Pool Heat and Water included Fitness Center Study Lounge Wireless Internet Studio 1 Bedroom 2 Bedroom and 3 Bedroom Apartments Fantastic views of Ann Arbor Located ON Central Campus near restaurants, shopping and nightlife! UTowers S tsiversit www.UniversityTowers-MI.com 536 South Forest Ave Ann Arbor, Ml 48104 (734) 761-2680 Voted Best Apartments by the Michigan Daily Readers 2002, 2003 and 2005! Set up your tour to find out why!