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ARTS

4

Monday 1gf
July 29, 2002 1V

No, BABY, NO

Spoofsequel is a less
than Power-ful rehash
By Lyle Henretty desperation to remain "swinging."
Daily Arts Editor Ozzy aside, there are plenty of
star cameos in "Goldmember," big
It would be beneficial to human- stars that are either friends with
ity to set up faux cameras outside Myers or didn't read the entire
of every motion picture theater script. Or quite possibly, this main-
playing "Austin Pow- stream Hollywood
ers in Goldmember." brain trust is hoping to
The smiling faux force-feed this drivel
reporter could ask (No STARS) masquerading as
viewers what they IAUSTIN POWERS humor on to an unsus-
thought of the movie. IN GOLDMEMBER pectting public in order
If the answer is any- to numb to actual wit,
thing along the lines At Showcase and so that they, them-
of "Hilarious, "The Quality 16 selves don't have to
best of the series" or New Line Cinema work so hard at cre-
"I haven't laughed so ativity. There was
hard since 'National Lampoon's probably nothing
Van Wilder,"' the faux reporter so devious at
would nod a quiet affirmative . hand, but based
and snipers stationed inside of a on the reac-
neighboring theater, possibly one # tion of
playing "Halloween: Resurrection," t h e
who will then do the world a favor pre -
and put a bullet right between the. view
humorless bastard's eyes.{audi-
The third spy-spoofing Austin e n c e
Powers film feels like star/creator 1 a s t
Mike Myers and director Jay week,
Roach ("Meet the Parents") ate the Holly-
second (and not very good) film w o o d
and squeezed it out, one sloppy could
drip at a time, back into main- s t a r t
stream America's mouth. The jokes f i1mi-
are exactly the same, with hardly a i n g
variation. The shamelessly self- people
reflexive inclusion of a cue-card fat, r cleans-
reading Ozzy Osbourne calling get it? , ing their
producers to task for repeating CourtesyofNew line c o o n s
themselves shows the filmmakers and open

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I'll have the cream of sumyounguy, please.

with a $50 million dollar weekend.
The film is less a story than a
themed frat party, where that one
"really funny" guy entertains
everyone with his "totally hilari-
ous" voices. It may be funny if
you're right there and seething
with drunkenness, but videotaping
the debauchery to show later just
doesn't fly. Myers has proven his
comic ability on more than one
occasion, but here he seems to be
cracking up only himself and a
handful of fourth graders who
can't get enough jokes about
poopin' and urine. And dropping
midgets out of uteri.
The bare-bones facts have Austin
going to the 1970s to find his
randy, oft-absent father Nigel Pow-
ers (Michael Caine, "Jaws; The
Revenge," who hopefully made lots
and lots of money on this trash).
Nigel was kidnapped by Goldmem-

her, a Dutch disco owner with a
solid gold wang who eats his own
skin. Goldmember is the blandest
character played by Myers, and is
both wholly uninteresting and
extremely unfunny.
Goldmember has teamed up with
series villain Dr. Evil (also played
by Myers), who was funny in the
first film and has been reduced
hereto a caricature of a caricature.
The fourth character played by
Myers, Fat Bastard, is even less
funny than his name.
Once in the '70s, Austin teams
up with the beautiful Foxy Cleopa-
tra (Beyonce Knowles, "Carmen: A
Hip Hopera"), a parody probably
conceived by someone who once
heard of Pam Grier. She has an
afro and keeps saying "I'm a whole
lot of woman" Hilarious.
Foxy and Austin start going
through time and Dr. Evil gets to

rap Jay-Z, and Robert Wagner
(returning as Dr. Evil's right-hand
man) gets to sit around and look
embarrassed, which he should be.
What made the original Austin
Powers enjoyable was the novelty
and energy with which it was
paced. It moved along nicely, had a
few good laughs and some fresh
ideas. Seeing it all again the sec-
ond time, only bigger, is the usual
trash sequel Hollywood regurgi-
tates. Annoying, but inoffensive.
But to make the exact same
movie a third time, to drive the
jokes into the audience with the
subtlety of a gold penis, to flag
jokes miles before they occur, and
to actually give Verne Troyer
another movie role is offensive.
And stupid. And the worst movie
I've seen in 10 years. Including
"Battlefield Earth."
Yeah, baby.

Get your dishes, utensils,
sUof (lassesm, c soth, an much
More! VERY, VERY CHEAP!
PTO THRIFT SHOP
1621 S.State - Telephone 996-9155
1 mile south of The Michigan Union, inside Bargain Books
HOURS: Tuesday-Friday I lam-7pm, Saturday clam-6pm,
Sunday I lam-5pm. CLOSED MONDAY.

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