VIEWPOINT
b Blanchard in the great white north
The fat and the furious
LUKE SMITH UNRESERVED EMBRACE
Monday, July 29 2002 - The Michigan Daily - 5
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BY JoHN HoNKAA cans watched in horror as a jubilant
Joe Carter bounced recklessly around
stay silent for only so long. the bases after his walkoff homerun
hs now, the Democratic nom- secured a World Series victory for the
Michigan's governorship Canadian nine, the deep cultural divide
bled and pawed at one anoth- between the countries widening with
litter of blind little newborn every taunting fist-pump.
rn two too many for mama's Other men and women have crum-
ts. Watching their feeble bat- bled under this sort of pressure. But
-death has been somewhat Ambassador Blanchard? Unlikely. By
hough to be honest, at times 1995, he was helping to broker the his-
nspirational watching them toric "Open Skies Agreement" that
i sigh at debate inaccuracies broke the iron sway of the U.S.-Cana-
passive-aggressive shots at dian "Aviation Berlin Wall." A year
er behind muscle-defying later he was given America's most
hool-picture smiles. Sur- prestigious honor, the "Foreign Affairs
deed. Award For Public Service."
sedly all three are in a dead World-savvy and blessed with the
polls. That was acceptable a good looks and charisma of his hero
hs ago, but I'm beginning to Jack Kennedy, Ambassador Blanchard
f anyone can actually see may in fact be over-qualified for
ing on here. Sure they all Michigan's executive office. Alack,
ke the same mundane, wet- Ambassador Blanchard is also a man
andidate, but Jim has yet to of integrity. He has self-imposed the
his broadsword, so to speak. political experience equivalent of cam-
now, I should think, its com- paign finance reform by restricting
ikely there will be parades. himself to the same amount of political
e Jim really is going to go capital as his lesser opponents Bonior
with this. Maybe I'm the and Granholm. Thus, he rarely men-
LI won't let him; the public tions his ambassadorship and the vast
informed. See: This whole arsenal of political expertise it is has
a farce, the polls dispensable, provided him. Instead, he rambles on
its useless. The old cliche and on (and on) about his two rather
ndy and babies is apt. One tepid terms as Michigan's governor in
so eclipses the others as to the '80s. Surely his repeating of the
em as futile as a stationary phrase, "I've done it before. I'll do it
he Engler household. I am again" is an attempt to lower himself
o, of course, Jim Blanchard, to the level of your average pandering,
ambassador to Canada. Or sound-bite politician. And sending his
ll forgotten about that? Per- son to Michigan State is the most obvi-
tory lesson is in order. ous kind of self-effacement.
gust 1993, Blanchard was The primary's inter-party quibbling
to the most soul-wrenching, is most certainly a Blanchard cover-up.
position in the State Depart- When the public actusally teamns of the
hen-president, Bill Clinton. ambassador's three years of Gandhi-
fiery introduction of Blan- like public service, it will realize that
he called him a "very able there is no one this side of Marion
"ant' - left nary a dry eye Barry better fit to deal with Michigan's
hite House lawn and set the vast financial and social problems.
n ambassadorship that would Who better to tell Canadians to keep
be the perfect breeding their trash on their side of the border?
'or a second go-round in Who better to stem the violence in our
s executive office. cities than the man who spent three
b performance goes, the yeams on the mumn streets of Canada?
or's was unparalleled. He What better fiscal training is there than
e years as proximate to the spending three years converting and
s one can get, refusing the reconverting U.S. quarters into Cana-
I solutions of his predeces- dian "quarters?" And who among the
irecting battered U.S.-Cana- Democratic candidates -nay, the free
ions toward the promise of world - is better equipped to quash
harmony that has so teased the latent Upper Peninsula separatist
American populace. movement than the man who accord-
ed with reigning in the torrid ing to his book, "Behind the Embassy
ip between the two countries Door: Canada, Clinton & Quebec"
the longest undefended bor- almost single-handily prevented Que-
world, Ambassador Blan- bee's break from Canada in 1995?
ame a chameleon, shifting But the Democratic primary
forth effortlessly between the marches on, catty and under-whelm-
part minutiae of U.S. and ing, toward its Aug. 6 terminus. Each
English, dipping french fries lackluster day another 24 hours of
with the adroitness and dex- Ambassador Blanchard-inspired politi-
a 40-year Winnipeg couch- cal hysteria lost. Whether or not the
d learning how to perform public discovers the true nature of this
ult layback-forward camel election is up to the ambassador. God,
on on figure skates. grant him the courage to open his
(eh) two months into Blan- beautiful, transnational soul to Michi-
rm, America was blindsided gan Democrats. Lansing needs an
onto Blue Jays. Already reel- ambassador.
Caesar Barber has
a bone to pick
with the fast
food industry. Actually,
Barber already picked
his bones clean at Ken-
tucky Fried Chicken. It
might be better to say
Caesar Barber has a
beef with the fast food
industry, but as his five-foot-ten 272 pound
frame jiggles, he's already had plenty of beef
His girthy midsection and poor health
has led Barber to file a class action suit
(naming.Burger King, McDonald's, Wendy's
and KFC as defendants) against the fast food
nation. This man and a host of other fast food
aficionados are set to launch an assault on
the okay-food-quickly powers that be for
more than a chunk of change.
Why should anyone care if a man ate fast
food, had a pair of heart attacks (circa 1996
& 1999) and got fat? You'd think the first
heart attack in 1996 would be a good lifestyle
clue, let alone the second batch of blockage
in 1999. The 56-year-old Barber, a mainte-
nance worker, told MSNBC, "I didn't realize
how bad it was for me until 1999." Maybe he
should sue the doctor who didn't tell him
about his burgeoning belly in 1996 when he
had his first heart attack.
Come on. Does anyone feel bad when a
college co-ed drinks too much at the bar, goes
home, pukes and falls asleep? No. Barber said
he would eat at fast food restaurants "four or
five" times a week. The man ate like a friggin
hobbit. It certainly doesn't take a rocket scien-
tist to understand that in most cases, if some-
thing tastes good, itsis probably bad for you.
Barber's lawyer Samuel Hirsch likens
this case to the suits against the cigarette
industry. Hirsch says that consumers are not
adequately warned about foods that could
cause obesity, diabetes, heart disease, high
blood pressure and cholesterol levels. Hirsch
believes that the level of deception deployed
by the fast food industry is on par with the
tobacco giants. He maintains that consumers
are not being told all of the facts about the
health content, or lack thereof, in fast food.
Is this big news? I thoughteveryone knew
that fast food wasn't good for you. Was this
some big secret? Those white menus with the
nutritional information have been deterring
me from the Double Whopper for years now.
Why couldn't he read those menus and realize
that the higher the numbers are in most cate-
gories, the worse the food is for you?
Maybe the four horsemen of the expand-
ing waistline apocalypse should fire back
with a counter-suit. McDonald's can lower the
arches and Burger King should pull the plug
on Kid Vid, and the giants should team-up,
enlist KFC and Wendy's to the fold and sue
the fat people clogging their restaurants.Yeah,
maybe obese people are taking business away
from the fast food industry. Perhaps prospec-
tive patrons peruse the restaurant-mosphere
and see a bunch of cage-ball-sized people
spilling out of swivel chairs, and instead of
going in for a Western Bacon cheeseburger
the nearest customer heads back out the door
and off to Subway for an Under Six Grams of
Fat sandwich. Maybe the hondo-hoss mon-
sters scarfmg down their fifth meal of the day
courtesy of Mickey-D's (right Mr. Barber?)
are creating a loss at the business end because
patrons are scared off by looking into the win-
dows and seeing the flabby future threatening
the joints of the tile floor.
There is a greater concern here than this
one man's suit in the name of the chubby
everywhere. It returns to the American value
that life should be fair Instead of filinga law-
suit against the four fast food chains, perhaps
Barber should sue his parents for providing
him with the genes to fatten him up and his
slow metabolism. Or Barber should sue his
mouth and appetite, taking them to court and
finding them responsible for his obesity.
Caesar Barber and the other butterballs
involved in this legal action are overlooking
what most of the world's population continue
to glance over. That life is not fair. It's not fair
that Caesar Barber loves fast food and loved
enough of it that his bodyrmass index boomed
up over 39, deep into the obese portion of the
scale. It's not fair that people get addicted to
sex, booze or burgers. But because of addic-
tion and ignorance, does this make it right to
sue the corporations that Barber and the
chubs blame for their tubby stomachs? Maybe
they should sue the fitness centers for not
being alluring enough or not having enough
televisions so they could watch Emeril while
they Stair Master-away the extra tonnage.
Even more effective than this class-action
lawsuit would be a Million Pound March on
Washington - I just hope that Barber et al
make sure they book the hotels closest to the
Capitol because frankly, I don't think the
steaming masses will be able to get that gris-
tle in motion for too many miles before some-
one needs a fast food break.
Luke Smith can be reached at
lukems@umich.edu.
VIEWPOINT
Only the fans lose with MLB's latest travails
BY S. NAUMAN SYED
Just like everyone else these days, Major
League Baseball is feeling the money crunch.
Unlike the current economic woes, baseball's
financial crisis has been looming for years.
Some teams can't keep up and may be
contracted. Several others, like the Tigers, are
finding it increasingly difficult to pay huge
salaries, unjustified by the waning interest in
baseball. Of course, even of those teams that
can pay, none can pay like the Yankees.
And now both the owners and the players
are fighting for an even bigger piece of the
pie. Like bandits, these idiots are prepared to
throw away their system for a little bit more
money, money that means little to most of
these people. With a strike or a lockout, hope-
fully some improvements will be made to
even the playing field, but if it comes to that,
will anyone be in the stands watching the
field? If either a lockout or a strike does occur
and baseball does not have a World Series this
fall, it will not be the owners or players that
lose. No one should feel sorry for the owner
of a baseball team and the players are for the
most part only a step below that. Gone are the
days when players had to work a second job
to make ends meet. I am not talking about
minor leaguers who only make $30,000 a
year.
No, it is the fans who lose out on all
counts. We are the only ones who make no
money in the scheme. We invest time, money,
and passion into our teams and are more often
than not repaid in disappointment. And if the
owners or players decide to stop the game
without regard to its fans, why should we care
about the owners, players or the game?
Unfortunately, it is we the fans who large-
ly have caused this vicious cycle of capitalis-
tic cannibalism. In past decades, strikes could
be justified and supported by fans because
owners were not giving the players their due.
But now when everyone is rich but still com-
plains, clearly there is no end in sight to the
greed. Greed and money has really spoiled
America's pastime. Ballparks no longer house
heroes, but mercenaries, and baseball is no
longer a game, but a means to exploit the
masses.Yet the power still lies inour hands.
The money that is in question here is the
fans' money, and because they haven't with-
held it to voice their displeasure, the combat-
ants have ignored them. Fans must really slap
owners and players with indifference to get
the message across: If that is how you want to
play, baseball is not that important after all.
With prices jacked up to compensate for
higher salaries, an honest kid would have to
save for weeks to go to a ballgame, and even
then, he probably could not afford a hot dog.
It was never the game that brought most casu-
al fans to the stands but the experience, the
atmosphere, the escape, the memorable after-
noon. Now most people would probably
remember the ticket price pain more than the
actual game.
Baseball's price has exceeded its value. If
it does not come back down soon or if the
value does not go back up; many fans will
have no choice but to abandon it. Like a bad
habit or a costly hobby, baseball should not be
acceptable for long. As a Red Sox fan, I
would like for nothing more than the BoSox
to finally win one, but I think my happiness
would be tainted or hollow knowing that it
took $200 million just to beat the Yankees.
Imagine how much good could be done with
such money, from everyday expenses to bet-
tering the community. Instead, most of it is
just being blown on the high life. In this, I
envy the Twins and the Expos. They also
share the futility, but at least they didn't waste
as much money trying (or not trying) to win.
Nonetheless, baseball has a function to
play in this society, a role that is quite
important especially in this day and age. At
a time when random kidnappings plague the
nation, baseball stadiums like Enron Field
need to change their names, signs of the
apocalypse come every week, the economy
is acting like a sinkhole, and the Justice
Department wants us to spy on our neigh-
bors; America really, really needs an escape
like baseball. Both the players and the own-
ers must shape up quickly and avert any
work stoppage not only so they continue
making money, but so we have something to
take us from the travails of the times, if just
for a little while. If the fans are ever forced
by economics or disgust to abandon base-
ball, baseball will die. And if baseball dies,
a little hope, a little dream everywhere dies
as well.
Syed isan LSA sophomore and a mem-
ber of the Daily's Editorial Board.
the effects of Canadian she-
line Dion's cross-over hit
he Power of Love," Ameri-
Honkala is an LSA senior and a mem-
ber of the Daily's Editorial Board.