The Michigan Daily - Monday, May 15, 2000.-- 11

oBattlefield' blows - seriously
By Erin Podoisky with "Battlefield Earth" are members, although its stench will haunt him for
Dily Arts Writer and founded by L Ron Hubbard, who quite a while; this is the kind of movie
also authored the book on which the that not only ruins careers, but ruins
It took eight years for the 1990s to move is based. I point this out not to studios, too. But don't worry. The mar-
produce a film worthy of the dubious denigrate a religious sect, but to ket is on the rebound, the Hollywood
distinction of being called worst film attempt to partially explain what in L. coffers always seem to replenish them-
of the decade, finally ringing the bell Ron's name convinced Travolta to selves and for those lucky few who
vith "One Tough Cop" in 1998. The undertake this misguided mess. like the movie, I'm sure the sequel will
>uble-Os seem to have peaked early in Because if he did this movie solely on be out just in time to ring in 2010.
this new century and millennium - not the basis of the script, well, kiss that
even six months critical love goodbye, John. The days of
into the new year adoration and adulation are over.
and Hollywood The humans are led in revolution by
already has a win- Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Pepper), who in
Battlefield ner of a addition to his preposterous name also
Earth stinkbotnb with has bad hair and labors under the added
Grade F the megabudget, burden of looking like a fine-boned
at SdeasF m e g a t o n girl. Jonnie briefly wanders through the
& Qualty 16 " B a t t I e f i e I d abandoned civilization of the United
Earth." And while States before he is captured by the
this might be a Psychlos, prompting plenty of ques-
real buzzkill for tions about how it is that the monu-
John Travolta's ments of our society (especially minia-
long-since-resur- ture golf) haven't eroded in the wake of
rected career and abandonment. Putt-putt isn't the worst
Barry Pepper's offense of "Battlefield Earth," though,
nascent one, perhaps it's a blessing in and the entire movie is little more than
disguise. a poorly phrased cipher.
It's all uphill from here. There isn't much else to say about
Set in the year 3000 (as we are so "Battlefield Earth." The Psychlos are
indly informed as a subheading to the an odd bunch of conquerors, given that
ovie's title, this is no ordinary flick - Jonnie and company outsmart them
this is a saga! A saga of grand propor- time and again despite being out-
tions, of far-reaching impact, of brained, out-weighed, out-gunned and
humankind stretched to its limits, of out-manned. If "Battlefield Earth" had
victory, of grandeur, of SHEER its way, we'd go through life thinking
GENIUS!), "Battlefield Earth" opens that the operating manual for an atom-
with the information that the alien race ic bomb was as easy to read as "See
of Psychlos has colonized Earth and Dick Run.'
sent the few remaining humans who Which brings me to the puzzle of
weren't slaughtered in the nine minute how and why this reprehensible movie
takeover of the planet scurrying for the got made. It's the kind of movie that is
-hills. to "abomination" as "abomination" is
* This information, like most other to "masterpiece." It's difficult to find
pertinent or not so pertinent facts of the any logical explanation given the
movie's ridiculous plot, which I shall movie's complete lack of internal
not reveal much of here to save you all coherence - not to mention its com-
from mutilating yourselves in pain, is plete lack of humor, or plausible
repeated at least three times during the action, or romance, or any of the ele-
course of the film. Also used repeti- ments that make a good movie great. It
tively are wipes instead of dissolves for even lacks the good sense and acumen
transitioning between scenes, the only to be properly cheesy, like the brilliant-
reason for which might be to recall the ly sardonic "Starship Troopers."
Weesy-yet-appropriate wipe effects of Travolta's performance is hamiy but
Star Wars," perhaps to even subcon- not pointed; he's a blunt knife where a
sciously encourage the audience to saber might have saved the day. Might
look at "Battlefield Earth" as an epic have.
along the lines of Luke, Leia and the Travolta's career has enjoyed a resur-
gang. Instead they come across not just gence during the past ten years. We all
as cheesy, but insulting and ridiculous. know the story: after languishing for
(The stealing doesn't end there, either; years in movies-of-the-week and the
the great white hope of the humans urmpteen incarnations of "Look Who's
learns all about his captors and their Talking" in his post-70s stupor, he made
world and their skills in a manner sus- a Psychlo-sized comeback in "Pulp
piciously reminiscent of Neo's quick Fiction" and never looked behind him.
ducation in "The Matrix," so much so Has the string of successes finally hit a
dat I half-expected him to jump up and wall? "Battlefield Earth" could only be
announce, "I know kung-fu!") the product of a narcotic-addled mind, or
Travolta plays Psychlo security chief at least a narcotic-addled conscience that
Terl, which rhymes with "hurl," which saw its way clear to spending E. Ron-
doesn't seem to be an accident. As only-knows-how-many millions of dol-
imagined by director Roger Christian, lars to make and promote it.
the Psychlos are a grunty lot. They The best articulation of precisely what
look like second cousins of the trouble Travolta has thrown himself
Klingons of "Star Trek," or at least hea'dlong into can be found in a drug trip
what Klingons would look like after a of another color, Sick Boy's philosophy
d day at the beauty parlor with a hair of life and Sean Connery in
stylist fresh out of Joe Bob's "Trainspotting." At one time you've got
Cosmetology Academy. That's not to it, and then you lose it, and it's gone for-
be confused with Joe Bob's ever, Sick Boy tells us.
Scientology Academy, branches of With luck, Travolta hasn't lost it. He'll
which Travolta and others involved likely survive "Battlefield Earth, OPENS M AY

Ker (Forest Whitaker): "Wow, this movie is really and truly awful, isn't it?"
Teri (John Travolta): "True." (A scene from "Battlefield Earth")

19 IN TH EATRES EVERYWHERE,