L T H TOR

Answer for
education is
simple
TO THE DAILY:
I am writing in response to
Peter Cunniffe's editorial "For
the children, whether they like
it or not" (5/8,/00).
The Daily must be pretty
desperate for spring term writ-
ers to have printed this liberal
and half-baked article. Yes
education in America's public
schools does need major
change.
However, letting unmoti-
vated students roam the
streets during the day because
they are not required to attend
class only makes the risk of
petty crime increase, they
have to find something to
occupy their time.
In the perfect world if
everyone's parents encour-

aged their children to attend
college as much as many of
ours did Peter's plan would
succeed with flying colors but
the harsh reality is most high
school students don't want to
go to college let alone finish
high school.
I think it would also be a
danger to keep older students
in school 'Itil they graduate,
in fact many states have a
maximum age law forcing
older students to quit school at
a certain age.
There is a good reason for
these laws, I know I wouldn't
want my 14 year old daughter
in the same class as a 23 year
old man.
I think the simple answer
to the problem of education in
public schools is to raise the
standards.
JILL PETERSON
ENGINEERING JUNIOR

r p
DA-o
muw

Monday May 15, 2000 - The Michigan Daily - 5
Teaching in modern day education, my best scam yet
m altering the minds of America's youth more same clothes that I do, and who in a two or three
and more every day. I'm not kidding - years might be in the same position.
Philistines, like me, have more influence over your But subbing can be a lot like stand-up comedy.
little siblings than you know. Either you'll roll with thejokes and hold the class in
I'm a substitute teacher. the palm of your hand or you'll die a painfully slow
It's by far the best scam I've uncovered in my death in front of an unmerciful audience. And
four years at this institution of higher learning. I'm there's no curtain to save you either, only a bell after
now able and encouraged to cater to the you've taken a Roy Jones Jr. pummeling
susceptible minds in the buildings of from the "bad" class.
lower instruction. If you know what you're talking about,
It's much simpler than it once was - though, you can definitely teach some-
all you need is 90 credit hours from any thing. So all of you who did so well on
accredited podunk college to be eligible your SAT's and think you know every-
to shape young minds into whatever thing, just wait until you have to explain it
forms you want. multiple times to some poor kid who
They check your criminal history to missed his Ritalin medication.
make sure perverts, pedophiles and any There'll be a lot of questions coming
other p-word pronouns aren't allowed your way too. I've had classes ask me if we
near America's best and brightest. JON ZEMKE could go on a beermrun, and still others who
So there are a few checks and finger 't come up to me after class asking if I can
printing sessions, but they'll help you get ichae hook them up with a case even after I
around the other obstacles, including 7peakitg already said, "No, I like my freedom."
paying you to go to a two-day seminar on When they ask me if I've ever smoked
how to become a member of the education bullpen. pot, I tell them I can pass a drug test. And when they
Don't like kids? No problem, they'll get you ask me if I have a girlfriend, I say I have two and
around that. Never taken an education course? No that's more than enough.
sweat, you don't need it. Don't have the least idea These kids are quick and far from shy. I've
about what you're teaching? Don't worry, neither spent more time than I should have explaining
do the students, college. Yes, animal house still exists. Your class
Actually, the third sentence out of my mouth is, schedule can accommodate four-day weekends. I
"I have no intention of ever becoming a teacher." have taken classes with A-train. And Hash Bash
I sit on my stool, yard stick in hand, unshaven is incredibly overrated.
with my Tigers cap on backwards, dressed in khakis And Michigan's schools are desperate for peo-
and a sweater, while I hold court in Ambercrombie ple like me - or worse - to help pick up the slack
and Fitch high school. It's a riot. from the teacher shortage.
I look like one of the students, but they have to If you think I might be bad, remember I received
call me Mr. Zemke or by my given name, Sir. Even my education from a top of the line university. Just
my little sisters, who have called me every name in imagine the winner from the local community col-
the book except that authoritarian prefix, have to lege who is seriously considering this as a career
abide by these rules. option. I'm Sidney Fine compared to that dude.
And I'm paid at least $100 a day to pretty much - Jon Zemke can be reached at
baby-sit kids who listen to the same music, wear the jzemke@umich.edu
Navigator: Set browsers on stun
A h, the frenzied thrill of browsing. Point. Click. brought against them by the recording industry,
Wait, wait, wait, scroll, scroll, click, there is now no way to thwart the idea that spawned
wait...wait... All right, so it's not so frenzied. the program. The legal system cannot stop the net-
That's the problem. But being connected to the worked masses. Because every user of Napster is
University's high-speed backbone can give you the acting independently, suing them would be suicidal
idea that someday the net will be as instantaneous in for record companies.
any location. And wireless internet It is easy to foresee a time when artists
access is making information almost produce music because they care about
ubiquitous. So, as we make the jump to their art, not the money Britney Spears is
always-on net access, I'd like to offer a going to die a horrible death.
few subversive ideas on saving your Join an obscure cut. This makes the
online soul. surfing experience all the more intimate.
Set browsers on stun. Really sock it to Just kidding. But visit the pages of some.
them. Spend time on sites that aren't try- obscure cults, at the very least, like the
ing to make money. Don't rack up hits for Cult of the Dead Cow or the very strange-
the big guys. Make your start page some- dragon cult, whose leader, while on wel-
thing obscure and avoid the corrals of fare, claims to have channeled a very
customization that cull information for JOSH advanced species of lizard who ruled the
you - and from you. Expose yourself to WICKERHAM earth before the extinction of the
new ideas. The rest of the net is often vil- T " P. . dinosaurs.
ified, being billed as scary or too incon- It may not be sane. It may not be ratio-
venient for all but the quickest jaunts off W____D nal, but it's out there, ready to make you
the beaten path. The experts aren't kid- wonder, "just what is going on here?"
ding when they call AOL the suburbia of the If you're an Elvis fan, search Yahoo! for "Elvis
Internet. But don't be scared if you leave and the worship" and discover the Presleyteians, who rec-
grass isn't green and the streets aren't paved. That's ommend seven square meals a day with snacks in
how the rest of the world lives. between. You can learn the gospel at the Church of
Make your own world online. Search for some- Elvis Christ. "Lo, and the King spake to the crowd
thing obscure. Read newspapers from around the surrounding the lowly recording artist: 'let he who
world. Punch your most hated celebrities in the face is without bad singles cast the first rhinestone."'
digitally. Download music that has yet to be catego- Develop an addiction to the net. Feel withdrawal
rized. symptoms setting in when you've been out of the
Dont patfor anthing. This whole e-commerce loop for a few days. The net can be as addictive as
bandwagon is just an attempt to structure a medium smoking, but it's still better than television.
that may yet prove to be a serious threat to the tra- Did someone forget to tell you that you are now
ditional capitalistic ideal that everything must have in control? You are. So set your browsers on stun,
a price. You don't have to pay for news on the web. because the mouse is truly mightier than the sword
You don't have to pay for pictures or songs. and the world of ideas waits to be mapped by your
Information is now yours for the taking. clicking finger.
Although Napster, the online music swapping Josh Wickeram can be reached via e-mail at
software, may have lost in the first round of suits jwickerh@umich.edu

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