Y7we!r an wyout news from a campus near you O Study Hard, Party Harder Virginia Tech U. Hope next year they'll come up with a better solution to students' drinking problems. Or at least not follow the example of Virginia Tech president Paul Torgersen. When he discovered students were (gasp!) drinking alcohol, he immediately took action. Torgersen circulat- ed a memo to all faculty providing guidelines. The solu- tion? Assign homework over the weekend. Sounds a lit- tle dry to us. U. Bookworm U. of Illinois He's every librarian's worst nightmare. Over the course of two years, UI student Sean Harte managed to accumulate 174 overdue library books, valued at $10,000. That was before he was arrested, spent 43 days in the slammer for missing his first court date and eventually pleaded guilty to charges of misdemeanor theft. Part of his plea forbids Hart from returning to campus. Consider this an APB to all public librarians. Set Your Monkey Free Tulane U. Students aren't the only ones mon- keying around at Tulane. Two dozen mischievous chimps broke out of the school's Regional Primate Center. But their taste of free- dom was short-lived. Within three days, workers recaptured the primates and returned them to their covered outdoor corral. Do you think they spanked those naughty monkeys? Dinf Dng U. of Montana After 10 years of negotiations, a hostage has been returned. But this isn't your average hostage. It's a 1,000-pound brass bell that was smuggled back and forth between UM's Sigma Chi and Lambda Chi frater- naties for decades until 1978, when it disappeared from campus. Ten years ago, the alumni association director began negotiating with the hijackers for the bell's return. It seems like kind of a big to-do for a bell, but names have been witheld to protect the ding-dongs who stole it. Stapler Shake-Up Indiana U. At most campuses, if you attend a particularly heat- ed student association meeting you can normally expect tempers to flare and angry words to fly. But you rarely need to watch for flying staplers. Which is why off-campus senator Matthew Muterspaugh was taken aback when he was struck in the ear with a stapler after appointing a colleague to a new position. The stapler flinger was hastily removed from the meeting. Apparently, flying office supplies are not consid- ered constructive criticism. I L~.__ K No Moon Over Miami Miami U. of Ohio What do you think of when you hear "Miami" and "thong" in the same sentence - your dream vacation? That might change after you hear this one. At Miami U. of Ohio, a music professor is suing the university because it won't let him swim in the campus pool anymore. School officials say professor G. Roger Davis' choice of swimwear, a not-so subtle thong bikini, violates the pool's dress code. The prof says the university is violating his constiutional rights. We can only hope that if Davis wins, it doesn't set a precedent for classroom attire. Stick 'em Up! U. of California, Santa Cruz We agree that you should put education first, but come on, guys! After UC Santa Cruz freshman Emma Freeman decided she didn't want to be forced to get a job that would interfere with school, she allegedly teamed up with her boyfriend and his roommate for two armed robberies. The trio was accused of robbing a hair salon and a Costco warehouse in a span of five days, but had less than $100, a boom box and a portable radio to show for their efforts. What's really unfortunate is the attire Freeman is said to have worn during the heist - a Spice Girls T-shirt. Old S o U. of Alabama - - Weird Scinc Harvard U. Students aren't the only pranksters at Harvard. Apparently, physics profs join in the fun now and again. Case in point: John Doyle, an associate professor of the Natural Sciences, who thought it would be a real hoot to pretend he had a colleague named "Ulf Fireloins." Through Doyle's debauchery, the fictitious Fireloins managed to operate a Web page, was quoted in the Harvard Crimson, and sneaked his way into a draft C the university's teacher evaluations guide before one oF the guide's editors caught on that Fireloins was a fake. Choice of a U. Generation Santa Fe Community College What could be more refreshing than a dip in the water and a nice, cold Pepsi? Well, if you were a student at Central Michiga enjoy the best of both w prankster. After a parked in U. last fall, you could've orlds, thanks to a campu Pepsi semi-truck rolled headfirst into a cam- pus pond, the driver suspected foul play. He says someone pulled the air brakes when he was inside the student activity center making a deliv- ery. At least he didn't catch the wave when the truck went under. S4 npus bars might want to start serving up the alongside their Bud Light. U. of Alabama y became one of many universities sponsoring ent communities near campus. The idea is that alumni can come ind enjoy the and sport- ents, as univer- cilities. r how t'II be / Ne see2 resh and Juring the \ f> s circuit. Boston College Feminists typically preach against sexual discrimi- nation, not practice it. Exception to the rule: Mary Daly, theology professor at BC. Daly, a radical feminist who thinks women tend to defer to a man whenever one is in the room, will not allow men to take her courses. BC officials say they will not tolerate Daly* rules and have given her the choice to admit men or stop teaching. Daly took a leave of absence this semester to think it over, but what we want to know is if Dennis Rodman showed up for class wearing a dress, would she let him stay? Illustrations by Paul Adam, U. of Missouri 4 www..uinagazine. com * April/May 1999