Wednesday, July 26, 1995 - The Michigan Daily - 5 inn Markey/Markey's Malarky I e birth of CHZ Back in high school, Inaively believed that Ihad astered the artof procrastination.I was exceedingly roud of the fact that I could start any paper at 'dnight and finish it by five. In between time I ouldleisurelysipPepsiandtake breaksby watching The Three Stooges." I thought I was so clever. Alas, I was wrong. I didn't explore the full pabilitiesofprocrastinationuntil Icametocollege acquired roommates. Now some people will say that a procrastinator s anyone wastes valuable time with nonsensical aversions,(such as testing out aroommate's blender y making chocolate ice cream floats the night fore a column is due). I, however, am not so enient. In order to be deemed a true Procrastinator. ne must not merely put off work, but one must nvent an entirely new activity, of questionable ntertainment value, to pass the time. This lofty goal s easily accomplished through the intervention of eroommate. It is, after all, the responsibility of the mmate to prevent any school work from ever etting finished. (The second highest duty is to creen for any unwanted phone calls.) Last year, I was fortunate enough to have oommates responsible enough to join in my rocrastinating so that it became a group activity. ssisted by my trusty roommate Nancy, I stopped riting a paper long enough to concoct an idea for a ew television channel - CHZ, The Cheese etwork. I elected myself president of the network fter all I was the one sacrificing writing a paper) d got down to business. CHZ's mission was to ring back all of the truly worthless TV shows from the 1980s that are so cheesy that they are no longer preserved through reruns. In order to achieve this goal we worked out an elaborate plan. The first step was to make a list of possible shows. Each candidate underwent a rigorous inspection by two judges- consisting of Nancy and myself. Any show exhibiting anymeritwhatsoeverwasimmediatelydisqualified. Also, "Punky Brewster" was banned because it was way too annoying- even though in a controversial cision we approved "The Gong Show." Step one consumed my life for almost an entire semester. Soon, word of our project leaked out and people were calling at all hours lobbying for their favorite bad TV shows. (My brother called long distance one night because on his airplane trip he suddenly remembered"Hardcastleand McCoruck and thought it couldn't wait till morng.) Step two involved some sort of implementation phase that had we done it, might have made us rich and successful. However, since we aspired only to * Procrastinators, we skipped this step and began a new project altogether. We branched out to found a radio station consisting solely Eighties songs from now forgotten groups. Now that I am a whole year older and Ihave even more roommates, procrastinating has reached new levels of maturity. Last week, one of my roommates' visitors fell asleep sitting on our couch, snoring with his mouth wide open. The sightinspired someone to balance a French fry across his open mouth. I was so impressed that the fry remained despite the snores, at I quit writing to snap a photo. In a moment of ehilarity, someoneposedwithoursleeping victim. The real fun began when another came up with the brilliant idea of coaxing our dog, Sandy, to eat the fry out of our guest's mouth. By this time I was the only one who had any film, and received the grave duty of capturing the stunt for posterity. To my dismay, I pressed the button before Sandy was ready. Fortunately, someone fished out his video camera and caught the entire process on film. After a grueling and *tense 30 minutes of training, Sandy snatched e fry. Soon, we were taking turns bouncing fries off of our sleeping visitor for Sandy to snack on. Then it hit me. We had all the makings of a new sitcom for CHZ. Maybe I'll start working on that tomorrow. I Normu Qurmu "Back when I was at the University I had fond memories of being In the Sig Ep house." -Regent Shirley McFee (R-Battle Creek) i 'OCUS i Incarceration: To reform or punish? PART TWO OF A SERIES By Adrienne Janney kids need is one on one. The kids don't get it." Maurice Thompson is a youth specialist at Despite all the money spent for corrections, and the juvenile detention facility Maxey Boys Training provisions made for reform, the system is falling School,inthe maximum security Green Oaks Center. short of its goal. Many people feel that prisoners get He works on D-wing, ahallfor sex offenders age 14- special perks, but these perceived benefits are not 21. When asked if the "unreformable" still deserve doing much to alleviate the problem. In fact, prison a chance to try to change post-incarceration he sighs seems to perpetuate the problem. and says that two years ago he would have said yes. This leads one to question whether society "Since the murder, I feel no," he said. possesses the tools to reformcriminals.Is punishment Two years ago a female teacher was murdered a means of reform? Sarri said, "All evidence is to the by an inmate-since then the staff is very protective contrary. That's not how people change." of whoever is brought inside to volunteer or tutor. How do people change, then - by being sent to Thompson said, "I knew the victim, and I knew the their cells tothink about what they have done?Inside kid that did it." The boy who committed the murder a prison, especially an adult facility, little is done to was one of the five who were regularly under facilitatetruereform. BecauseofGlover vs. Johnson' Thompson's care. higher education ismandated for incarcerated women Understandably, Thompson's outlook has been in Michigan. But the bulk of the prison population, altered by his experience. The issue he grapples with the men, have provisions for nothing beyond a GED. is the same for all who work in the criminal justice Furthermore, any type ofemotionalsupport comes in system: Should the system reform or punish? the form of volunteers who run self-help groups such Itis unclear which is the focus today.Washtenaw as Alcoholics Anonymous, which is available on the County Prosecutor Brian Mackie said, "In many outside. cases it does a poor job of both." He outlined the Reformable, not reformable or reform at all - objectives as he perceives their importance. The first which is the best tack to take? It seems that society is "to try to ensure the safety of people in society,"the holds a certain responsibility to reform if it is at all second is "to punish wrongdoers" and last is "to help possible. If some are not reformable, do we lock them reform wrongdoers." However, he said "anyone who up, throw away the key and forget to deliver the bread can be reformed, we should make the effort to (reform and water? Of those deemed unreformable, Mackie them)." said,"Whatthey deserveishumane treatment.Beyond Mackie's statement implies that some are that I don't know what they deserve." reachable, while others are so far gone that they For those who can be helped, the programs need cannot be reformed. "It can work for some people. to be improved drastically. For those who cannot - It's a fairly small percentage of the criminal who istosaytheycannot behelped?Whathasbeendone population that are just evil to the core," he said. totry?Thompsonsaidthat formanyoftheboysheworks School of Social Work Prof. Rosemary Sarri, a with their empathy for their victims is "wellhidden." faculty associate at the Institute of Social Research, And for those who truly cannot be reached, they would contend that social policy creates these deservethechancetotry-becausehumanetreatment impossible conditions,thenpunishes people because includes a shot at rehabilitation. of them. The criminal justice system does little to Punishment may feel good. It may feel like foster a solution to these problems. Sarri said, "Our something is being accomplished. But it sets a poor prisons are ugly sensory deprivation." example. And it sets society further back. Maxey activity therapist aide Denise Thomas Arevision of Mackie'sobjectives: first,to protect said, "Society has made us animals and monsters ... society and secondarily, to salvage every bit possible. (but) you can always trace it back. There's always a Taxpayers should be willing to make the investment patte'." She spoke of a particular inmate who had if the investment is in human beings. raped and killed a two-year-old. "Ihatedhis fucking "I wish we could change other people's view," guts ... and then there was that'mom' partof me that Mackie said. "I wish they had more information." knew he had probably been raped as a baby." - Janney is an LSA junior and Thomas said in a juvenile facility that "what the a Daily editorial page editor By Matt Wimsatt V;\ 44 OOP i Jean Twenge/The Erasable Pen Rise up creatively In the traditional telling, the American colonies revolted againstEngland to gain their freedom from an oppressive government. In truth, we revolted against their tax laws - because we were cheapskates. Almost all of the Great American Sayings were written by cheapskates. A penny saved is a penny earned; never buy it new when you can buy it used; use i up, wear it out, mnake it do or do without. That evenleavesout the ever-popular"Pile intotheinto, everybody, we're going to Wal-Mart!" My grandfather lived through the Great Depression. andhe seemedo have passed on to my father the idea that you never know when you're going tobe living in acardboard box, so you'd better buy your clothes at Goodwill now. Better yet, don't buy any new clothes at all, so your daughter can inject humor into any situation by saying, "Hey, dad, isn't that the shirt you were wearing in my baby pictures'?" (During the 80s, my dad insistedthat bell bottoms would come back in style, a suggestion that sent my brother and Irolling on the floor in laughter. Guess who's laughing now?) As the cheapskates in my life have taught me, saving money isn't really very difficult. All you have to do is follow a few simple rules: Screw yourroommate by making him pay the extra penny on the utility bill when it's an odd number. They add up, you know! Oneof my favorite cheapskates was a roommate who'd buy a quart of milk for 99 cents and come to me and our other roommate for our one-third shares. We'd each give him 35 cents instead of bothering with the pennies, and he'd walk away with a victorious gleam in his eye,sure he'dcheated usoutof ourmoney. "Chicken fried rice - cheapest thing on the menu!" was his constant motto. You don't really need that $10 your mother gave you for dinner on the train - pack a lunch when she's not looking, and voila! you've saved the equivalentoftwohoursataminimum-wagesummer job. Tax free, too! Trashcans are your friend! Michigan's 10- cent deposit gives just about everybody an excuse for digging through sticky recycling bins for those precious aluminum finds. Although Texas doesn't even have a bottle deposit, my father has made digging in trashcans his weekend hobby. The aluminum is still worth a penny or two a can, but more important are the myriad wonders found in business and apartment complex trash cans. Before deregulation when phones were big, heavy, and obtained only from the phone company, my father found two phones in a trash can. We used them for years,especially aftermy momaccidentally dropped our other phone in the dishwasher and, for years afterward, it gurgled when it rang. Judging from my father's finds over the years, people also tend to throw away vast numbers of beverages. We rarely buy beer or Coke at my house; my father finds plenty, unopened, in his weekend forays to the trash bins. Of course, you usually have to wipe the dirt off the can first. Garage sales. Whether you're giving one or goingtothem, theseare acheapskates' paradise. My dad likes giving them: anything he found in thetrash cans that our family doesn't want he sells on the garage sale, bringing new meaning to the saying "One man's trash is another man's treasure." The best garage sales are the multi-family undertakings - that way you can buy the neighborhood kids' unwantedtoys andthey can buy yours, leaving you basically the way you started. There's also no better place to shop if you're into 1970s decor; on the averagesummerday in suburbia,the avocadogreen and burnt orange of garage sale furniture is almost blinding. At least our parents got rid of the plaid pants we wore in first grade a long time ago. However, our mothers probably have pairs of platform shoes hidden in the back of theirclosets -and you know those will never come back in style ...