12- he digmD* ~ m.12,1993
99 ways to impress your drunken friends

By ALSNLEVY
Welkiddies, its springtime and
as you've allnoticed, the amopere
in AimArborhbas undergone a major
shift, similar to the mythic green-
house effect The stres factor is in-
versely prportional to the party fac-

for and right now, the stress factor isat
an all-time low. Now is the time when
you can spend ail day at Dominick's
and still pull the elusive "A" in all of
your spring classes. Even graduates
with no motivation to move spend their
days trying to drink away the fact that

all of their friends have left them for
good, and that it's time to goout and
find a real job -job-type-job.
So, Brett Stern has devised a
manual to help us all through these
troubled times, 1199 Ways to Open A
Beer Bottle ... Without A Bottle

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Opene." Besides providing you with Pry off with metal tab. 3. Drink. 4.
creative ways todrinkand impress your Renmember to zp your fly.
friends, Brett's book offers innovative I provided this one for those of
ideas that- may just spark your own you who don't own an eyelash curler.
creative streak. How P.C. of me. I learmed this at the
Obviously, this paperback does not University. Atleast that's semething.
read like "War and Peace." Stem's 5. BARBECUE GRILL - 1.
simple wording, coupled with large- Stick cap in grill. 2. Preis down. 3.
photos, malkeit easy to comprehend for Drink. 4. Don't forget to flp the
those who hat trouble with the more burgers.
complex works ofJudy Blume, but still This one's great for when you're
managed to get into the University. sitting around the Smokey Joe with
Here's the gist each "way" is onits your friends, suited up inyour Dock-
own page, followed by numerical di- ers and bullshitting shout changing
rections. A "difficulty" guide is pro- cars or even finding one at all.
vided on the bottom of the page. One Now cone on, would you really want
beer bottle is for easy, two for medium, to break up this picturesque scene
and three forhard. Siskel and Ebert faus because you lack a bottle opener?
rejoice! Got it? Let's move on, there's b. DISPOSABLELIGITER--
drinking to be done. Since times are l.Holdbottleasshown(Oops.Iguess
tight and you can't escape the laziness you need the book for this one, but I'll
of the season, I've generously provided continue all the same.). 2. Place bot-
a few examples below. tomoflighterundercap.3. Pull lighter
1. POLICE CAR-i1. Make sure up. 4. Drink. FOR PROS ONLY.
nobody is in the car. 2. Place cap in Hard though it may be, if you can
trunk lld. 3. Press down. 4. Drink. 5. still do it; without even seeing the
Don't get caught. (P.S. #5 is quite im- photo' you rock my world.
portrnt.) 7. COMPUTER -i. Place cap
2.BICYCLEGEARS-l.Wedge in hard drive slot. 2. Pry off carefully.
cap in gears. 2. Press down. 3. Drink. 4. 3. Drink. 4. Play some more computer
Don't ride. games.Note: this willprobably scragc
I picked this one because you don't your computer, but it will open your
even need your own bike. There's al- beer. If you're at Angell, request a
ways abunch around town. During the computer in the back. They get a lttle
spring the Diag is your best bet. One testy about this kind of thing.
suggestion though, leave the bike there So, there you have it. Have fun
(if it isn't yours). and good tuck. And for those of you
3. EYELASH CURLER - 1. who don't drink, especially the mar-
Place metal lip under cap. 2. Gently lift keting majors, this book is worth-
up. 3. Drink. while because it shows you hwuoe
soe-kew they were good for some- on witha dumb ideittlemoney
thing. and even less taeat crake in te
4. ZIPPER -1. Undo zipper.2. mlainn.
THE UNIVERSITY _______
OF Religious
BALLOOM Services
DANCE CUB AVAVAVAVA
LUTHERAN CAMPUS MINISTRY
LOROFULGHT LUTHERAN CHURCH, ELCA
Starting in May, we meet at 8Sth uort(atlHitstree), 66&7622
the Stusdent union every SUN DEDAY., orenu10-am.
Sumdaynight to dance theEvnigrye- tsdy6pm.
- -.Eveung~hye-pm.

0
0
0

Swing, Fox T rot, Watz,
Cha Cla, Rumba, Tango,
.Mambo, Quickstep, and
oilher dances.
Come at sevenfor a
beginning lesson
Come in at eight for
general dancing
Come alone or with a
partner
Come ornly once or
every week
Any questions?9
Call 668-249.1

ST. MARYS STUDtNT PARISH
{A Roman Catholic Community at l1.M
CoereWilliam andThompson S.
Acruss from Cottge Inn
Weekend tLiturgies- SATl1RaDAyY:s5 p.m.
SUINDAY 8:30 a m., 10 a m., 12 noen
5 pm., and 7 p.m.
FRID2AY: Confessiensa4-5 p.m
TEMPLE BETH EMETH
A Reform Congregation
2309 Packard Read
Rabbi Robetbevy
FRID2AY: Services 8:00 pm
665-4744
UNIVERSITY LUTHERAN CHAPEL~ LCMS
Summer Schedule May August
£Sl2&D1G Wership-9:30 a.m.
WE.I2MEIBAY: Sapper/Activides-6p.m.
1511 shtlenaw, nearHilSt.
Paster Ed Krauss, 663-5160