SPORTS
Friday, June 14, 1985

Page 11
THE P TNG
By DAVE ARETHA
"A Little Off Base
A fine play, courtesy
Major League Baseb
Cast of Characters
The Players .................
The Owners ..... .......
Commissioner Peter
Ueberroth ..............Pet
Act I, Scene I
(Winter, 1985. The owners are
$1 billion TV contract with the
Monaghan is ordering pepper
everyone, while Joan Kroc pass
McDonald Fun Meals. Suddenly
on the door. ENTER the players.)
Players: Whoa ... don't start cel
Fun Meals just yet. Hold the pickles
you signed for a billion, but don't for
titled to a one-third slice of that billion
Owners: You're off the wall.
(The players whip out an old con
Players: It says here, on page 86, Si
Rule 12 C, Minute Point 19, that we
thirty-three percent of all TV revenue
Owners: Yeah, but that contract's
when the networks only shelled out
we now need every penny of that bill
pay your freaking salaries.
Players: But the contract is still
$333 million big ones, big guys.
Owners: Yeah, but ...
Players: Don't yabut us. Cough
we'll go into the left-field corner an
until our faces turn Dodger Blue.
Act I, Scene II
(April, 1985. After severalfutile
the players for drugs, Commiss
tries to arouse their guilty consci
other baseball personnel to agree
then addresses the players.)
Ueberrotfi: Look, guys, Gene Ma
and even Jean Yawkey have agree
The Phillie Phanatic is scheduled
Tuesday. Grandpa Ho, a 94-year-old
the Honolulu Pineapples, will take
sday. And you know those Haitian w
your baseballs? Yoiu got it - flying
testing.
Now guys, it's your turn.
Players: Ha. Ha. Ha. Commish
flow in the Cleveland Indian clubhou
draws blood from our arms.
Act I, Scene III
(May, 1985. The owners, po
million and facing serious fina
need to negotiate a new cont
athletes.)
Owners: All right, here's the de
Sixers
*pick new
coach

The Michigan Daily

Raise the curtain... Larkin takes
VIEWS
...but hold the anchovies
average major league salary of $363 thousand dollars
intact. We'll also give you improved retirement
" benefits, a higher minimum salary and a larger post-
of season pool. However, you have to agree to a salary
all cap for each team. O o ro
Players: We hope you said celery crap and not O 1
: salary cap.
The Players Owners: No, we said salary cap.
. Players: Salary cap? SALARY CAP? That's the By ADAM MARTIN isn't a big thing, but there is an ad-
The Owners worst labor request since the Industrial Revolution, Two weeks after his hometown Cin- justment factor. He needs to learn the
when eight year olds were asked to work 90 hours a cinnati Reds drafted him in the first strike zone, and where before he got
er Ueberroth week in the coal mines. Salary cap. Be real! round of Major League Baseball's hits on inside pitches, now he may
Owners: But Mr. Average Joe Ballplayer will still amateur draft, Barry Larkin will break his bat."
celebrating their get almost $400 thousand dollars per year. begin his professional career. But for Barry Larkin, a few splin-
networks. Tom Players: That's not the point. There will be no salary The senior shortstop leaves ters are a small price to pay for his
oni pizzas for cap. Period. tomorrow for Burlington, Vermont fertile future.
And if you don't start negotiating reasonably, we'll where he plans to be the everyday
es out Ronald call a strike faster than umpire Ken Kaiser after a shortstop for the Vermont Reds, Cin-
there's a knock fastball down the middle. cinnati's AA farm team, under head
Act 1, Scene I coach Jack Lind.
(July, 1985. Negotiations resume.) BY SIGNING with the Reds, Larkin
ebrating on your Players: No go. ended his three-year stint with the
,hold the lettuce, Owners: What do you mean, "No go." We're giving Wolverines after being named Big
get us. We're en- you what you wanted, and then some. Ten Most Valuable Player each of the
dollar pizza pie. Players: But you hurt our feelings when you asked last two years. The Cincinnati native WM
for the salary cap. Now we want more. hit .368 in his final season with
itract.) Owners: Like what? Michigan and guided the Maize and
ection G, Part III, Players: Like Sundays off, seven-inning games, Blue to the South I Regional at
have the right to overtime pay for extra innings and only two outs per Mississippi State where the Bulldogs
inning. dropped Michigan in the final tour-
from the old days Owners: SAY WHAT? That's the most ridiculous ... nament contest.
peanuts. Besides, Players: We'll strike! Despite his promising future,
ion dollars just to Act II, Scene II Larkin said he was ambivalent about
(July, 1985. A glum Ueberroth holds a press leaving the Wolverines.
good. You owe us I'm a little apprehensive," he said
conference.) in a telephone interview last night
Ueberroth: Members of the press, I have some from Cincinnati. "It'll be weird. I Larkin
up the dough. Or disturbing news concerning the results of drug testing. really can't tell what it's gonna be ...on to Vermont
d hold our breath Evidence of PCP has been found in the blood sample of like. It hasn't affected me yet."
California owner Gene Autry. Such conduct will not be AFFECTED OR not, Larkin said
tolerated, even though the drug he used was Angel he's ready to play for the Reds. "I was
eattempts to test dust. very confident at the end of the
oner Uersotesh Autry will spend the next thirty days in the Alan season, and they said they wanted me
toner Ueberroth Wiggins Rehabilitation Center and will not be allowed to play everyday. I want to play short,
ence. He gets all in the saddle again. but I could play anywhere."
to drug testing, Act II, Scene III Larkin's obvious objective is to ,
(August, 1985. Negotiations resume.) reach the big leagues. If all goes well,
inch, Gene Autry Owners: All right, look. We'll give you Sundays off, Larkin could fil Dave Concepcion's
d to drug testing. you can play seven-inning games and we'll even pa spot at short within two years. Several
for a urine test you time-and-a-half for extra innings. But there will be factors will affect his progression to
peanut vendor for a no-hitter in the Metrodome before we allow two-out the majors, but according to Larkin,
a blood test Thur- innings. his offense is the key.
omen who sew up So what do you think about them apples? "Depending on how I hit-if I hit
in next week for Players: They're sour and they're rotten. If we can't well-maybe I'll make it to the Reds
have two-out innings, we want other concessions. in a couple of years," he said. "The
Owners: Oh yeah? Like what? pitching is more consistent (at the
, champagne will Players: Like all the concession stands in the AA level). The pitchershit their spots Middaugh
se before anybody National League East. Like a billion of Joan Kroc's Big It'll be scary when I first go." e
Mac ad eouh o Agi Buchs bertowash them THE MAN who knows Larkin's . " . xpects Larkin to start
Macs and enough of Augie Busch's beer to talents the best-Michigan coach Bud
dOwners: Anything else? Middaugh-feels his former shor- SH R
ssibly out $333 Players: Uh, let's see. Yeah, we'll take a couple of tstop's defense will carry him to Cin-
rncial problems, Monaghan's pizzas to go. And guys? cinnati. "His defense is his number CPIN 1A INJ
ract with their Owners: Yes? one asset," said Middaugh. "I think
Players: Hold the anchovies, the Reds chose him because they're Ann Arbor's fastest!
gonna need some help down the From 10-800 T-shirts screenprint-
al. We'll keep the (Curtain.) road." ed within 24 hours of order.
Middaugh agreed Larkin would Multi-color printing our specialty.
PHILADELPHIA (UPI)-The Pollack said a news conference would play immediately in Vermont, but You supply art or use our expert
Philadelphia 76ers yesterday signed be held today at 11 a.m. said 1985's fourth pick in the country design staff.
Matty Guokas as head coach, a team might need a few weeks to adjust to Hundreds of surplus T-shirts only
spokesman announced. The 76ers' first choice to replace the exigencies of professional ball. $2. each. io< - .ueee nd Pi9 Ce
Goukas will replace Billy Cun- Cunningham was Detroit Pistons' "Sure, he'll step right in...so they'll a0e'; s Fs p',Pon994-37
ningham, who resigned two weeks ago coach Chuck Daly, a former have a Michigan infield (with former
after the team lost in the Eastern Con- Philadelphia assistant. The 76ers Wolverine Chris Sabo at third base),"
ference finals against the Boston were not willing to give up the first he commented. "The biggest things
Celtics. Cunningham had been head round draft choice Detroit asked for for (Larkin) will be going from an
coach for eight years. as compensation, however. Daly still aluminum bat to wood (a requirement
Terms of the contract were not has a year remaining in his Pistons' in pro ball) and playing every day .
released. Team spokesman Harvey contract. with a bunch of professionals. The bat ANN AI It)