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ARTS
Tuesday, July 24, 1984

Page 10

The Michigan Daily

Diary of an opera lover

By Jeff Frooman
SH EY BABY, want to go to the
opera with me?"
"No of course not, Jeff; don't be,
ridiculous."
"Hey c'mon. . . it will be good clean
fun."
"Good and clean isn't fun. Besides,
opera is borr-rinnnng. And all that
whining and shrieking gives me a head-
ache."
"Aw c'mon, you'll love it ... It's The
Secret Marriage by Domenico
Cimarosa. It's a comedy and it's in
English. I guarantee that you'll love
it."
"Hey Jeff ....."
"Yeah, baby?"
"Take a hike . . . and don't come
back."
Two nights before the opera
Dear Diary:
Let's face it ... this Cimarosa thing is,
just not working out. I checked out a
copy of the script and a record of the
opera from the library. "A major
coup," I thought. "I'll know everthing
there is to know about this opera. It'll
be easy." But the script and record
were in Italian. "Dammit," I thought.
The Night Before the Opera:
Dear Diary:
The translation is going slowly. Ap-
parently the opening of the opera has

something to do with the Apollo space
missions, Coor's Beer, and Happy Days
reruns. Of course that's my own rather
loose, idoiomatic translation. I'm now
in the process of translating the second
sentence. Fortunately, this is a short
opera and I should be able to finish
translating it sometime next year.
The Night of The Opera:
It's tonight! Was nervous and up-
tight. Had a few beers. Coor's. Am now
happy and relaxed. Loose. This will be
easy. I'll just write a bunch of bullshit
about the opera. Like I do in all other
articles. Easy. And hey ... just because
I'm a critic doesn't mean I have to
know anything. Right?
Besides, my editor knows less about
opera than I do. If that's possible.
Anyways, no one will ever know that I
don't know beans about opera as long as
I sound authoritative. I'll just say stuff
like, "The cellist was singing off key,
and the entire orchestra sounded good,
especially the mezzo-sopranists." No
one will be the wiser.
After the Opera:
Dear Diary:
It was fun. No really ... it was teuly
fun. I like it.
It was about two lovers, Carolina and
Paolino, who are secretly married and
who are trying to tell Carolina's father,
Geronimo, who is busy trying to marry
Elisetta, Carolina's sister, to the Baron
Robinson, who loves Carolina, while
See DEAR, Page 11

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Jill Allen, Blane Shaw, and Joan Castrodale in 'The Secret Marriage,' convin-
ced The Daily's reviewer that opera is, indeed, an entertaining art form.

The dB's make the big leagues

By Larry Dean
(The setting is a press box
overlooking the dance floor and
stage of Joe's Star Lounge. Low-
key lighting is used, and the music
of Elvis Costello, James Brown,
R.E.M., et. al., plays to add at-
mosphere.)
(Lights up in the box on George
Swell and Al Battery, the commen-
tators. Both are ex-baseball
players.)
George (grabbing microphone):
Good morning, good afternoon and good

evening, everybody. Hold onto your
bobby sox but it's time for baseball!
(Crowdsounds, cheering, etc.)
Al: Yep.
George: It's a beautiful day out there,
fine for playing -
Al: (Shakes his head and whispers
to George)
George (Pauses): It's the dreariest,
most motherfuckin' day we've had in a
long while, but we're gonna liven it up
with a little BASEBALL!!
(Crowd roars, loud cheering)
George: But first, Al has a message.
Al?
Al (Clearing throat): H'lo,
everybody. And a special h'lo to all you

Canterbury House Friends Announce
AUDITIONS
for a new musical play by Tom Simonds
to be produced in Mendelssohn Theatre in Oct. 84
Open Auditions Next Monday & Tuesday
July 30 and 31 - 7:00 p.m.
ANDERSON ROOM, MICHIGAN UNION
for more information call 665-0606

denture wearers in the listening
audience, plus a special reminder that
if you trade your bridgework in at the
gate when leaving the field, you can get
compensation on your income tax and a
T-shirt.
George: Thanks, Al (He takes his
teeth out; they clatter)
(Raucous laughter from crowd)
Al: D'mention it, George
George: (Returning teeth): This fine
day we have the pleasure of a triple-
header on the bill, between Michigan's
Map of the World, Minnesota's Tetes
Noires ...
Al: I see you still remember French
class, George.
George: Woodshop's more like it, but
I been brushing up.
(Mild crowd hoots and hollers)
George: . . . and the North
Carolina/New York dB's, not to be con-
fused with the Ypsilanti/Newark
Beady's, or the Miss Manners'
Preparatory Academy Debs, of
Kneebuckler, Vermont.
Al: All fine ball clubs in their own
right, though.
George: Damn straight.
(The familiar organ strains of
Francis Scott Key's classic ode to
wartime gutsiness abruptly begins;
Al and George rise, placing their
hands over their hearts. Huey Lewis
and the News make a guest ap-
pearance on the field, sing a terrible
version of the anthem, and are
driven from sight by a barrage of
cans, bottles, undergarments,

plums, tomatoes, and small
woodland creatures. Everybody
sits.)
Al: (Shuffling papers): First up
tonight is ... er ... first on the agenda.
.m ... I, uh ... (cough)... la-de-da--
de-daa ... the opening team tonight will
be...
George: (Whispers)
Al: Will be Map of the World, from
Ann Arbor.
George: A truly consummate
ballteam, with about two years'-
experience behind them.
Al: There's talk these guys are goin'
for the pennant, George.
George: "Hometown kids make
good."
Al: They kick.
(The crowd cheers wildly as Map
of the World take the field. All five
members seem right at home, even
casual. They begin playing one of
the best games you're likely to see
from an unsigned team, with much
more vigor and acknowledgement
of the audience's presence than ever
before. The crowd eats 'em up,
cajoles 'em back on thefieldfor an en-
core of Tracy Ullman's "They
Don't Know About Us. ")
Al: I love that team. They make me
feel like whackin' the hide offa the o1'
ball again.
George: Take your pills ...
Al (Swallows arhandful of pills,
mumbles): Nech uh wee bee Tesh
Narr.
See dB's, Pagei14

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