Opinion
4
Page 6
The Michigan Daily
Vol. XCII, No. 53-S
Ninety-two Years of Editorial Freedom
Edited and managed by students
at the University of Michigan
Tuesday, August 3, 1982
The Michigan Daily
SEuphemizing reality
Take it from
Harry Tru man
PRESIDENT REAGAN has spoken several
times on the dangers of nuclear weapons
and how they must be reduced, but he has been
reluctant to. take steps in that direction. The
president could take some lessons from another
cold warrior, former President Harry Truman.
Truman, of course, is the president who ap-
proved the first and only use of atomic bombs,
when the United States destroyed Hiroshima
and Nagasaki near the end of World War II.
Recently discovered memorandums show that
by 1958, however, he saw that the world was not
safe as long as nuclear weapons abounded.
"Now we are faced with total destruction,"
he wrote. "That destruction is at hand unless
the great leaders of the world prevent it." For
Truman the choices were simple: The world
faces either the greatest age in history if it
comes to grips with the nuclear problem, or
complete disaster if it does not.
President Reagan should not wait until he
steps out of office to come to the same
realization.
Students need
Few people know that the
Christys come from a long line of
assassins, renegades, and double
agents.
And so it was that, when I went
to Washington, D.C., last week to
complain to my congressman
about the lousy grade of cocaine
he's been sending me, I dropped
in on a relative at the CIA.
My relative is a very important
spook with the agency. In fact,
he's so important that nobody
knows he exists. Not even the
agency.
Not Funny
By D.B. Christy
His name is Cloke N. Dagyr, a
second cousin thrice removed on
Uncle Skulk's side of the family.
He showed me around the CIA's
headquarters in Langley, Va.
Deep in the bowels of the CIA
building-a revolting metaphor
that I stole from an undercover
proctologist - we came across a
sophisticated array of computer
terminals and memory banks
humming along in electronic
overdrive.
"This," said my cousin Cloke
proudly, "is the CIA's famous
euphemism generator."
"Gee, and I thought it was just
a myth," I said. f
"No, nothing's too bizzare for
the CIA," Cloke replied. "We
built it back from in the 60s."
"For Vietnam?" I asked.
"Yup," said Cloke, smiling
nostalgically, "those were the
good old days. We never could
have managed to keep that war
running so long without it. You
have no idea of the extent of the
contributions to political
duplicity for which the
euphemism generator was
responsible."
"Such as?" I asked.
"Well, the first time we wanted
to bomb some Cambodians back
into the stone age, we didn't know.
quite how to go about it."
"You didn't think of using air-
planes?"
"We knew that much, ninny,"
answered Cloke disgustedly. "We
just didn't know how to tell the
American public about it. So we
fed the problem into this com-
puter and said to call is a
'pacification project.' ' t
"Brilliant!" I said, fervently
impressed.
"Yes, wasn't it? Well, we knew
right then that this computer was
mentally defective and would be
indispensible to us. In the years
to come, it invented such un-
forgettable euphemisms as 'rec-
tification of borders' for taking
over somebody else's country,
'resettling populations' for bom-
bing refugees out of their homes,
and 'tactical incursion' for in-
,'asion."G
"Not to mention the ever-
popular 'destabilizing regimes'
for the murderous overthrow of a
government," I said, eyes
misting over at this trip down
memory lane.
"You don't have to mention
that," said Cloke sternly.
"Anyway, after the war and
Watergate gave the CIA a bad
name, we didn't have much
demand for euphemisms and
shut the project down."
"You certainly look busy
enough now," I observed.
"Yes," said Cloke happily,
'with Ronald Reagan in the
White House the demand for
euphemisms is the largest it's
ever been in peacetime. Why, in
the last year alone our
euphemism generator has con-
cocted 'trickle-down effects" for
making the rich richer, 'reducing
the deficit by decreasing federal
spending' for keeping the poor
poorer, and 'the new federalism'
for dumping the whole ugly mess
into the laps of the states."
"That's an amazing track
record."
"Yes, and we expect even
greater things since we added a
new double-think processor onto
the system. This new option is
capable of welding two glaring
inconsistencies together without
a visible seam. That's why us
selling grain to Russia is 'suppor-
ting the free marketplace,' while
western Europe's purchase of
Soviet natural gas is 'catering to
the communist opression of
Poland.'"
"I get it!" I said en-
thusiastically. "That's how we
decrease aid to Israel because
they 'misuse armaments
designed for defense' and in-
crease aid to El Salvador because
they've 'improved their human
rights record.' "
-"That's right," said Cloke.
"Now I'll show you our 'in-
telligence gathering
capabilities.' We're the only
country that has them, you know.
The Russians use spies."
Christy's Not Funny
appears every Tuesday.
4
4
some good news Sinclair
T HIS IS THE TIME of year when students
find out their financial aid awards. Hit by
the double blow of soaring tuition and plum-
meting federal funds for financial aid, the news
has been mostly bad.
There may be some good news on the way,
however, if the Senate and the president have
the sense to go along with a measure supported
by the House of Representatives that will in-
crease student financial aid by $169 million.
Federal aid to students has been slashed
mercilessly at a time when students are most in
need. Senate approval of the measure would
send a clear message to President Reagan that
aid to students is essential and must be in-
creased rather than further cut back.
Of course, the federal government will have
trouble finding funds to support students. But
the investment in the country's future is worth
both the effort and the money.
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