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2B - Thursday, December 4, 2014

The Michigan Daily - michigandaily.com

28 - Thursday, December 4, 2014 The Michigan Daily - michigandailycom

Your upcoming
million - do lar novel

Your tears only make me stronger.
Having a favorite
song is overrated

By MELINA GLUSAC gers on
Daily Arts Writer it even

You know it's coming.
Your heart starts to beat a lit-
tle faster. Your chest reacts to its
changeofpacewithup-and-down,
up-and-down motions. Your eyes
widen in anxious anticipation for
the four most complicated words
in the English language that'll
soon be thrust in your direction:
"What's your favorite song?"
Every song you've ever heard
starts to go through your head
and you get dizzy and time keeps
passing. But you still haven't said
anything. Your heart begins to
race even faster than before. All
memories of melodies soon van-
ish, except for the "Friends" theme
song because it was the last thing
you watched on TV before you
went to bed last night. You sud-
denly want to utter an expletive
(or break out into "I'll be there for
youuu"), but you look up at the per-
Son who asked the question - that
cruel interrogator - and realize
that an immediate reply is neces-
sary because you're dancing on
the brink of social ineptitude and a
nervous disorder.
So you blurt out your go-to song:
some old Beatles tune you heard
when you were five or some sappy
acoustic number that touched you
at one point in your life. The typi-
cal answer. But is that really, out
of all the brilliant music weaving
through the world, the song that
powers through for you? What is it
that sets a song apart, and how do
you know when you've truly found
the one?
It's so hard to narrow it down.
We're fortunate enough to have
more genres these days than fin-

rock r:
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ex
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The
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ite son
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ibly at
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urrect:
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Being
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But
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hear t

our hands, but that makes I can't pick just one from that
harder. You could go the crazy, aforementioned bunch.
oute, the EDM route, the That's five different eras, art-
re hip-hop route - all will ists, genres, moods and melo-
e beautiful and valid con- dies that are impossible to
s. compare. They radiate on their
own. And when I try to pick
one, I find I'm blockingthe light
of another; it's just not fair.
J1 m elodies The four-word tortuous ques-
vanish, tion is also ambiguous. It could
)O fl, be interpreted as "What's your
:cept for the current favorite song?"and that
opens a new dimension of ditties.
iends" them e to choose from. I could spit out
a couple amazing songs that've
come out in the past year (Beyon-
ce's "Partition," duh). And I could
also expel a few jams I've been
n there's the pesky issue listening to as of late, which don't
: can your all-time favor- necessarily have to be from the
1g only be from the past 21st century - Hozier's "Take
t has stood the test of time Me to Church" and The Smash-
y, making it automati- ing Pumpkins' "Today" presently
reat? I often cite one of dominate my Spotify account. We
orite tunes as "Heroes" by all struggle with this musical grey
Bowie (1977), an incred- matter and these contradictions.
mospheric, 7-minute plea I would argue, though, that
oo hard for me to describe these are the furthest-things from
why I love it so much). contradictions. Music is art, and
en kind of immortal, res- art is meant to be enjoyed any-
ed quite famously in a where, anytime in its various
in Rouge" medley and, forms and guises. Songs are our
ecently, in "The Perks of cousins, our siblings, our family
a Wallflower." The first - it's too politically incorrect and
heard this song I had nearly impossible to pick a "favor-
all over my body. ite" member. We vibe to what we
the first time I heard vibe to, and there's no sense in try-
" by The Middle East, ing to add a hierarchy to one of the
d, and that song is from few spheres of the world where
So is it any less worthy of we are free of any kind of order.
le of "favorite" because it The beauty lies in the freedom
paid its dues yet? I can to declare "Anaconda" by Nicki
muster "Aneurysm" by Minaj as good as "Yesterday" by
sa, "What's Going On" by The Beatles, if you wantto.
n Gaye and Frank Sina- It's taste, and a lot of music
Summer Wind" when I tastes good. So what's my favorite
he word "favorite." But song? All of them.

By GRACE PROSNIEWSKI
Daily Literary Columnist
The end of the fall semes-
ter always brings a wide array
of emotions. There's relief that
classes are over. There's excite-
ment for the upcoming year. But
for those of us who are graduat-
ing in May, there's a very differ-
ent emotion to contend with: fear.
For seniors, this time of year is
rife with indecision and anxiety
about our plans for after gradu-
ation, specifically on whether
our degrees will be enough to
find a job to help pay back loans
from getting our degrees. Ah, the
American higher education sys-
tem.
If someone else is paying your
tuition (and you aren't concerned
about student loans), you have
my permission to stop reading
this article and go back to riding
your pony around your ancestral
estate in the Hamptons, which I
can only assume is what you do.
But back to the desperate
undergrad. After racking your
brain trying to figure out a sure-
fire plan for gaining financial
stability, you've undoubtedly
come to the only logical conclu-
sion: pay off your student loans
by penning a series of highly
successful historical romance
novels.
"But wait," you protest, "I
don't know anything about his-
torical romance novels." Well,
you're in luck, because in this
particular genre there's a well-
established formula for success.
You're going to want to set
your story in Regency-era Eng-
land. Why, you ask?
Because it's a thinly veiled
attempt to borrow some literary
credibility by trying to vaguely
associate your work with Jane
Austen. But if anyone asks, it's
because you like the dresses.
Your heroine will be indepen-
dent and witty, but 'alsb refined
and demure. As such, she is
either a wallflower or a spinster.
Her family is in dire financial
straits and she's the only one
competent enough to dealwith it.
While she's made peace with her
quiet life on the fringes of ball-
rooms, she yearns for adventure
and, dare we say, romance.

You should make sure to
repeatedly mention her plain
looks, but then offer descriptions
that make it clear she doesn't
actually deviate from traditional
standards of beauty at all.
Your hero is a rogue, a rake,
a scoundrel, etc. Some incident
from his childhood, perhaps
mentioned in the prologue, has
left the hero jaded and aloof.
He's far taller than what would
have been statistically normal
for the time, but it's symbolic
of how he holds himself above
people. Deep, right? It almost
goes without saying that he is
god-like in his handsomeness.
In addition, he's most likely the
richest man in England. And
he's a Duke. In other words,
he's kind of a big deal. How-
ever, someone may be plotting
against him in order to steal
his title and fortune. You don't
have to pay too much attention
to that part though, as it will
only be mentioned sporadical-
ly. Love takes precedence over
intrigue in these works.
Your hero and heroine will
meet in a decidedly awkward
manner. It will probably have
something to do with the hero-
ine needing financial help. Once
the hero learns that he cannot
easily intimidate or charm the
heroine, he will be fascinated,.
and of course, completely smit-
ten. The heroine will find him
vexing, but will acknowledge
that he is indeed gorgeous and
makes her feel odd things. The
hero, always up for a challenge,
will engineer several "acciden-
tal" run-ins with the heroine,
slowly building up the tension.
Then comes the moment that
all the little moments have been
building up to: your hero and
heroine hook up with the white
hot intensity of a thousand
suns. This will most likely be
an unplanned tryst i a library
during a large elegant party.
(Who knew that when you
sneak off to the Stacks with your
significant other, you're actually
participating in a rich literary
tradition. Just please wait until
I've returned my book.)
But the hero and heroine are
not so conscientious, and are
caught by either the heroine's

guardian or the biggest gossip in
town.
Because your hero is first and
foremost a gentleman, he will
offer to marry your heroine so
she will not be socially ruined.
While both of them will express
misgivings, secretly both of
them will actually be totally
stoked at the turn of events.
And so they'll get married, by a
special license, of course.
As time goes on, both hero
and heroine will realize that
they actually deeply care about
each other, but neither will
admit anything to the other
because humans are intolerably
dumb.
The denouement is when that
pesky plot, which hasn't been
mentioned in some ten chap-
ters, is finally resolved. Usually
it runs down something like
this: villain kidnaps heroine,
hero saves heroine, they admit
their feelings for each other
and your eyes roll so far back
into your head you can see your
brain. I understand the narra-
tive need for a dramatic real-
ization that they both love each
other, but can we not mix it up
a little? Would it be so heinous
for the heroine to save the hero?
And not through some wussy
cop-out "she saves him through
love" junk.
Anyway, your couple is now
free to live happily ever after,
secure in their social rank and
status. Though in all honesty,
there's probably a pretty good
chance your hero is syphilitic.
But don't mention that, since
it's kind of a mood-killer.
And finally, you'll need a
title. Luckily, this too can be
distilled down to a simple for-
mula: "How to (insert a syn-
onym for seduce) a (insert a title
of English nobility)." And with
that, you're done.
Now you're fully prepared
to start your Regency romance
empire. When you've raked in
your millions, spare a thought,
or some of your millions, to this
humble columnist.
Prosniewski is working
on her first bodice-ripper.
To get an advance copy,
e-mail gpros@umich.edu.

4

SINGLE REVIEW

EPISODE REVIEW

"Hibbing 911" offers a mir-
ror totheusual"Supernatural"
formula,
putting
the boys
on the
back burn- 'Supernatural'
er and "Hibbing 911"
spotlight-
ing a pair The CW
of capable
and kick-
ass female characters: Sheriffs
Jody Mills (Kim Rhodes, "The
Suite Life of Zack and Cody")
and Donna Hanscum (Briana
Buckmaster,"Baby Sellers").
This episode finds us in
Hibbing, Minnesota, where a
man is spray-painting smiley
faces in an alley when he is
brutally attacked. Back in the
bunker, Sam (Jared Padalecki,
"Gilmore Girls") and Dean
(Jensen Ackles, "SmalIville")
are still unsuccessfully look-
ing for a way to cure the Mark
of Cain.
Jody and Donna partner up
and learn about a chewed-up
body that wild animals don't
seem to explain completely,
so Jody calls the Winchesters.
The ladies bond, and the mon-
ster soon claims another vic-
tim.
The boys are so bored of
research that they pack up and
go to check out the case them-

Petite Noir's song "Chess"
floats in like an eclectic, slow
electronic fog. This elec-
tronic back-
drop remains
the founda-
tion for the Ch
song from 'Ces
start to fin- Petite Noir
ish and isn't
tarnished by Dm
heavy beats
or obnoxious
bass drops. The mist is cut by
Yannick Ilunga's haunting,
gentle, James Blake-esque
falsetto. Singer, producer,
multi-instrumentalist, this
exceedingly talented South
African artist lets his voice
and lyrics carry his listeners
through the fading mist of the
song. As if he means to repre-
sent the dueling personalities
of the struggling couple the
song describes, Ilunga allows
his voice to vacillate from a
high falsetto to a low alto.
Breathy yet strong, his vocals
are undoubtedly the stron-
gest instrument the song pos-
sesses.
By the three-minute mark,
multiple marriages of sound
emerge. An additional electric

guitar and drum set meet amid
electronic mist to add inten-
sity and sonic depth. Ilunga's
alto carries the lyrics while his
falsetto beautifully whispers
more on the song's intent. A
love that was supposed to be
as easy as checkers is made
into a complicated, sonically
inspiring six-and-a-half min-
ute chess game. Speeding up
and adding on until its very
end, the electronic landscape'
underlying the = tragic love
story builds and then bur-
ies itself into the song's close.
Starting simple and expanding
into a deeper, matured excel-

lence, "Chess" sounds like a
completely different song six
and a half minutes later.
This is the kind of song you
buy expensive headphones
for, that you send to that real-
ly hip friend because you've
finally found something even
they will not deny. And yes,
unfortunately Pitchfork likes
it, but don't let that fog your
burgeoning obsession. Bob-
bingyour head with your Wal-
greens headphones in won't
do "Chess" justice: blast this
one from your speakers.
MIMI ZAK

4

selves. While they go to inves-
tigate, the girls continue to
bond over their past relation-
ships; Jody calls out Donna's
ex-husband for fat shaming
and general douchery. Donna
goes out for some air and dis-
covers that one of the sheriffs
in town is actually a vam-
pire. Unfortunately, though,
this scene is marred by some
shoddy camera work - we've
grown accustomed to the dra-
matic zoom that "Supernatu-
ral" is so fond of using, but the
shaky camera style used here
was particularly jarring.
Naturally, Donna is startled
by her crash course into the
supernatural world, but once
all four characters are on the
same page, they check out a
lead together. When they find

the sheriff they're pursuing,
they're ambushed by a gang
of vampires who are planning
on convincing the Sheriff to
come back to their gang of free
love and bloodletting. When
he refuses, the other vam-
pires kill him before Dean and
Donna break free and take
them down.
While Jody helps Donna
come to terms with her partic-
ipation in a beheading, Dean
admits that for the first time
since he came back he didn't
feel like the Mark of Cain was
pushing him during a kill. But
this might simply be the calm
before the storm, with immi-
nent drama of the mid-season
finale looming ahead next
week.
- KIM BATCHEL OR

HALF OF US DON'T KNOW 0
WHO BRADY HOKE IS.
WE'RE O.K. WITH THAT.
@MICHIGANDAILY

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