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February 27, 2014 - Image 10

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2B - Thursday, February 27, 2014

The Michigan Daily - michigandaily.com

2B - Thursday, February 27, 2014 The Michigan Daily - michigandailycom

Dishes it for
Best Picture
Oscar Nominees

in this series, three daily arts writers in
varying states of mind visit the same
place and write about their experiences.
this week's destination:
Napoleon Dynamite

adies and gentle-
men, I am not Ellen
DeGeneres (though
I was once accused of dress-
ing like her - a compliment, I
think?), and
I have the
backing of
no academy.
I have never
been to Hol-
the Dolby
Theater or, NATE
actually, WOOD
west of the
I've never even met a celebrity
(save for a casual sighting of
Jerry Springer exiting his limo
on a seventh grade field trip to
And so it is with that unfor-
tunate dose of reality that I
present the Oscar musings of a
food-obsessed mind: "The Per-
fect Food Pairings for the 86th
Academy Awards Best Picture
Nominees." Cue the opening
American Hustle:
Spaghetti & Meatballs, Salad
and Red Wine
What better way to cel-
ebrate a leisure suit-clad cast
of mobsters and FBI agents
than with an Italian-Amer-
ican classic - spaghetti and
meatballs? We're talking thick
bucatini noodles, red sauce
loaded with garlic and big,
moist balls of beef and sau-
sage. To round out this carb-
and fat-heavy meal, throw
together a side salad with a
simple Italian vinaigrette and
serve a bottle of a Sicilian red.
J-Law would be proud.
Captain Phillips: Ham Et
Been Soup, Biscuits and Any-
thing with Rum
In the pre-refrigeration era,
sea' voyages' delicacies were
limited to dried beans and
cur'ed meats. And rum. Bis-
cuits? What a treat. Feel free
to bring this menu to 2009 by
using butter that hasn't even
spoiled yet!

Dallas Buyers Club:
Barbecued Baby Back Ribs,
Coleslaw, Baked Beans,
Cornbread and Sweet Tea
Any true Texan would die
for a meal like this. In the
state where everything's big
and barbecue is king, go for
the full rack. Also take note
that baked beans require
bacon and cornbread should
be made in a cast-iron skillet
for a truly authentic crust.
And as far as the Southern
iced tea, even a Yankee like
me can admit ain't nothin'
Gravity: Macaroni Et
Cheese, Granola Bars and
Luckily for us earthlings,
macaroni and cheese at the
g-force of one doesn't need
to be rehydrated before con-
sumption ... though it is
admittedly less fun to slurp
apple juice from a straw than
out of floating blobs in the air.
Break open the boxes of Kraft,
Quaker and Juicy Juice and
pretend you're an astronaut
yourself to fully enjoy Gravity.
(I'm just now realizing astro-
nauts eat like four-year-olds).
Her: Nothing
For this flick, don't eat
actual food. Instead, use
your iPhone to search for
your favorite foods on Google
Images. Then, fall in love with
the pictures. Finally, trick
yourself into believing that
you're actually experiencing
the complex flavors that eat-
ing these foods imparts on
your taste buds. Virtual food
is just as good as the real
thing, right? Serve with a tall
glass of technological delu-
Nebraska: Meatloaf
Mashed Potatoes, Green
Beans, White Dinner, Rolls and
a Glass of Whole Milk
I've never driven from Mon-
tana to Nebraska, but I can
only imagine what one might

see while doing so: grass, grass
and more grass. Boredom
aside, this slice of Americana
known as the Great Plains has
one culinary trick down pat
- a meal of good ol' meat and
potatoes. As these kind folks
have already discovered, you
can't go wrong with meatloaf
and ketchup, a mash, a green,
a grain and full-fat dairy.
Philomena: Irish Stew,
Soda Bread and a Pint of
A plot in Ireland demands a
few Irish staples: namely, dis-
gusting soup, dried out bread
and bitter beer. And that's
why I support Philomena's
journey: With a culinary tra-
dition like that, I would ditch
the homeland, too.
The Wolf of Wall Street:
Caviar ft Crackers, Kobe Beef
Carpaccio with Truffle Oil and
Don Pirignon Champagne
Only the best for Leon-
ardo DiCaprio's alter ego,
Jordan Belfort - filthy rich,
high life-living stockbroker
extraordinaire: Beluga caviar
straight from the Caspian Sea
on dainty little wafers and
thinly sliced beef from a cow
who was massaged and given
beer daily, washed down with
the best bubbly you and I will
ever be able to afford. But hey,
at least you and I won't end up
in prison. (Whoops - spoiler
Will Leo ever
win Best Actor?
All we know is
caviar s great.
I'm hungry ... must be time
for the after party. Cue the
closing credits. .
Wood is chowing down on
caviar. To join him, e-mail



I smoked two bowls of Pineapple Express and played free associa-
tion. Here it is, edited for length and clarity, but not decorum.
"uncle rico, porno, mustache, suitcase, cockyx, bloody steak, see
my video, hand on knee, dressing on arm, pedro, romantic, soulmate,
happy ending, softcore porno, the sounds of chickens in cages makes
my teeth hurt, circle of laugh, run the gauntlet, tooth is itchy, shad-
ing on upper lip - that's what they call it these days, damn my teethy
are itchy, hidden devil, suit its incredible, carrying cupcake? phallic
symbol, where's my bathrobe, skinny jonah hill runs down road to
get skinnier, who invited the goth girl, Jon Hamm's dick, napoleon
chews tobacco, teeth are itchy, angelica from Rugrats seduces napo-
leon, napoleon secretary = typewriter, time travel machine looks like
a sybian, this whole thing is an elaborate parody of porn parody, the
sybian needs crystal, walter white, markers same as beer, looks like
he's chugging donkey semen, my teethy are itchynipple inspection is
funny in of itself, its gettin' hot in here, lets cut all our hair, higher,
higher, i need to get higher....get the joke? A Connecticut Yankee in
King Arthurs' Court, one direction wigs, hands touch in popcorn,
recess schools out theme music, Jonathan Safran Foe gets bullied,
my foot is itchy, mexican standoff, monty python, I wish i had an army
man on my VCR, your hair looks good today, i'm lafawnduh, take off
those sweaty clothes, you've had practice, I don't believe in soulmates,
Monica Lewinsky's blue dress, napoleon has breasts, she likes fish, fat
kid in audience, chimneney changas, mrs. poppins?, he actually has
pretty good moves, moon boots."
Here's the thing: I've never really "got" Napoleon Dynamite. I get
that you're not really supposed to "get" it, but I've never "got" what
I'm supposed to "get". But I haven't seen this movie since I was in like
5th grade and I've gone through a serious improvement in einemato-
graphic awareness AND I've got a solo cup and a half of cheap wine
and a couple of bong hits in me (I'm the lightest lightweight there has
ever been), so here we go.
We're probably half an hour in and DC has not stopped giggling like
a small child since the movie started. But, this is totally understand-
able. The whole tots plotline absolutely killed me. Tina the pet llama.
Who even thought of this. Every line of this movie is so brilliantly
awkward and every person is just a caricature of a different kind of
weirdo. The color scheme in this movie looks like a mid 1990s fast
food restaurant, which makes me REALLY want fast food to fuel my
drunchies. Kettle corn will do. (Side note: did you know that Google
Drive recognizes "drunchies" as a real word? What a beautiful world
we live in.)
Napoleon's "Vote for Pedro" election dance is the best film climax
I've ever seen. Ok this movie is brilliant. "The people who directed
this movie must have been on acid," DC says, and while that could be
true they could have also been drunk off ten-dollar wine..
Indifferent? Unenthused? Two unexciting words to parallel my
unexcited state at the prospect of revisiting modern films' favorite
awkward friend, Napoleon. The screen lit up and failed to hook my
attention. Give it a minute though, and suddenly my seat on the couch
seemed a more comfortable place for the next hour and a half. Maybe it
was the music in the opening credits, sounding a lot like a prelude to the
"Juno" soundtrack, which struck a memory of pleasure.
In all, it took me about four minutes to remember why "Napoleon
Dynamite" became a legend. The camera lingers for too long in every
shot, especially during mundane scenes, which become inexplicably
funny. Point in case, Napoleon in a chicken coup, or Napoleon clean-
ing his glasses. It's this kind of simple awkwardness that mostly rules
comedy now, paving the way for actors like Michael Cera to take stage.
A personal favorite scene of mine is Napoleon testing different glass-
es of milk for deficiencies: "This tastes like the cow got into an onion
patch." Who thinks of that stuff? The same goes for Napoleon's interac-
tions with Tina, the pet llama.
I hate to say that Napoleon Dynamite has a kind of sophisticated
irony (that statement has some annoying overtones), but there, I've said
it. That's probably why my mom liked it as much as my brother and I did
when we watched for the first time, and probably why I laughed more
watching it now.
Other things to laugh at upon revisiting this gem: Pedro's eyes don't
move, Uncle Rico selling a plastic bowl, the "medieval warrior" plastic
doll head, Napoleon's delicious sea bass.
If nothing else, the dance scene is epic. We should all learn it as a
party trick. And on the subject of parties, this one still works sober.




In 2009, a still unproven
Tfyga, ajust-about-to-blow
Nicki Minaj and agolden age
Lil Wayne
toamed up for p
the bombastic
"Roger That," Senge
a highlight
from Young Tyga, Nicki
Money's &
compilation inaJ& VI
album We Are Wayne
Five years Young Money
later, the trio
has reunited
on "Senile," the latest single
from Young Money's upcoming
Young Money:Rise ofan Empire.
This time, however, the cir-
cumstances are much different.
Nicki is a bona fide superstar,
Tyga has his own career and
Wayne has gone from "Best
Rapper Alive" to meme-inspir-
ing absurdity.
Despite these changes, the
chemistry between the three

rappers isstill there. Over a
stripped down beat with throb-
bing bass and cryptic chimes,
Tyga namedrops Ben & Jerry's,
Nicki stays on her hot streak
and ravages the track claiming
"I got this shit locked tighter
than a bear hug" and Wayne
sounds surprisingly energized
on the closing verse.
Nonetheless, Nicki complete-
ly outshines her male counter-
parts, as she's been doing for a
while now, and Tyga is unable
to escape his habit of face-palm

In his latest music video,
"Addicted to You," Avicii
proves that his progressive
beats have
their due
place outside AddiCted
the club. Stay- to LoVe
ing true to
its title, the Avicii
fourth single Universal
YOUNG MONEY off of his
debut album,
worthy choruses. Instead of True, confesses a woman's
creating the sound as in years involvement in an uncontrol-
past, Wayne and Co. are now lably addictive relationship.
just adapting, and this beat The video, however, tells a
could easily have been given to deeper story.
anyone from Sage the Gemini In short-film fashion,
to E-40. Young Money is in a the video moves through a
much different place in 2014 series of coherent frames that
than it was in 2009, and while detail the violent lifestyle
"Senile" is a fun banger that of a homogenous couple.
gives hope to the new compila- "Addicted to You" follows the
tion's dreadful looking tracklist, adventures of an outwardly
the crew feels suddenlyout- model waitress spellbound
dated. by a risky-yet-impassioned
-JACKSONHOWARD relationship with a glamorous

female criminal. It justifies
violence and a life of crimi-
nality in the face of love, and
pitches danger as a comple-
ment to passion and romance.
But the video also challenges
the conventional image of a
dominant male responsible
for a couple's lawlessness.
Avicii's musical style has
its advantages. While still
classifying as a dance track,
"Addicted to You" relies little
on its bass and more on its
drops. The music renders per-

fect climactic plot elements,
and the riotous aesthetics of
the video perfectly blend with
uncredited vocalist Audra
Mae's folk slurs.
The video ends tragically,
with the couple meeting their
demise at the hands of a
police squad. The lyrics jus-
tify every plot element, and
once again, Avicii's music
video cements a tragic, yet
convincing story onto his
mesmerizing beats.

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