6A - Monday, February 18, 2013

The Michigan Daily - michiganclaily.com

6A - Monday, February 18, 2013 The Michigan Daily - michigandailycom

6

"Our careers are over, LOL."
Mundane 'Haven' sinks

"Are you thinkingwhat I'm thinking?..TacoBell. '
Just 'Die'a

Newest installation
of Willis thriller
can't bring the heat
By AKSHAY SETH
Daily B-Side Editor
"It's going to suck ass," they
said. "It'll make you hate John
McClane," they said. "Dude. None
of us have dates.
Watching Bruce
Willis pistol-
whip Russian A Good Day
people on Valen- to Die Hard
tine's Day isn't
going to change At Quality16
shit," they said. and Rave
They were right.
And now 20th Century Fox
I'm down $30
for dragging them to a movie that
had me convinced that low expec-
tations could be shattered. Who
cares if the trailer dragged us
through a graveyard of unoriginal,
shoddily edited action sequences?
Did it really matter no one had any
idea what the film was going to
be about? of course not. This was
"Die Hard," dammit - random
stuffs were going to spontaneously
combust and the only thing tying
it all together would be virile one-
liners spat out of Bruce Willis's
("Moonrise Kingdom") smirking
mouth.
But "A Good Day to Die Hard"
is not in the same category as

those fist pump-inducing shots
of testosterone we used to watch
when Willis had hair. Weird and
unnecessary, this fifth installment
sputters along like an old jalopy. It
limps through an amalgamation
of scenes that reek of the alcohol
some writer in Hollywood (Skip
Woods, "The A-Team") drank and
then regurgitated on the script
when trying to come up with idiot-
ic references to the most idealized
version of manliness imaginable.
Apparently, real men are inca-
pable of hugging (biceps too big)
and laugh after getting impaled by
large, blunt nails.
But let's be fair - you're sup-
posed to leave your brain at home
when watching an overblown
action extravaganza like this,
right? Whoever came up with the
plot (Stop hiding - we know it was
you, Skip) certainly thought so.
We start off with John
McClane's estranged son, Jack (Jai
Courtney, "Jack Reacher"), killing
someone in Russia. The murder
prompts our hero to hop on the
next flight to Moscow in an attempt
to finally come to terms with his
son's apparent delinquency. As it
turns out, Jack works for the CIA
and McClane's unannounced visit
throws off his mission to escort
a Russian whistleblower to the
United States. Father and son
eventually join forces, and the
jalopy wheezes to a start. Throw
in a couple senseless plot twists, a
few barrels of weapons-grade ura-

nium and the most moronic, car-
rot-chewing (why, Skip, why?), tap
dancing Russian villain (Radivoje
Bukvic, "Taken") ever conceived,
and you've got yourself 97 minutes
of my life on Valentine's Day, 2013.
Like a lot of other teenaged
males, I don't necessarily mind
when some assholes try to ped-
dle this exclusive brand of hare-
brained idiocy as long as there are
at least a few well-choreographed
scenes of flaming carnage. In this
film, there are no such scenes.
There's flame, there's carnage,
but it does nothing more than slap
you with a migraine. Every single
action sequence is over-long, drag-
ging to the point that the sound of
metal grinding against pavement
actually starts to become part of
the background noise. Seriously,
we don't need to hear every little
engine spurt as John McClane
clumsily tries to figure out how to
get his car off the side of a bridge.
And by the time it finally does,
it becomes clear I'll never watch
another "Die Hard" sequel
again. John McClane used to be
an iconic character, but like with
any action hero worth knowing,
he got old. The time's come to
move on. So here's my goodbye:
Throughout the film, our not so
battered protagonist frequent-
ly yells out, "I'm on vacation."
John, I love you, man, but you're
not on vacation anymore. You're
retired - you just haven't real-
ized it yet.

By SEAN CZARNECKI
Daily Film Editor
Aslifeless asitgets, "Safe Haven"
is amelodramasloshed tothe grimy
brim with schmaltz. It leaves you
pining for some-
thing - any-
thing - real,
but look all A Good Day
you want, you to Die Hard
won't find the
tiniest pulse At Quality16
in this bland and Rave
Nicholas Sparks
big-screen adap- Relativity
tation. It's an
agonizing, sadis-
tic way to spend a date.
A woman, whose real name is
Erin Tierney (Julianne Hough,
"Rock of Ages"), arrives in South-
port, N.C., hoping to escape her
past. The good people of the town
welcome her into their lives,
including, and especially, widower
Alex (Josh Duhamel, "Movie 43"),
with whom she falls in love. Unfor-
tunately, Erin's history threatens
to quash their blossoming relation-
ship.
Despite a story full of conflict,
Hough does little to provoke any
empathy from the audience. An
emotional core is nowhere to be
found in Hough's performance.
She strives for a girl-next-door
vibe, but the attempt amounts to
the unconvincing, reprehensible
charm of a pretty little liar. The
same could be said of Duhamel. As
a father, however, he conveys (to a
small extent) a sense of despera-
tion: The frustrated gentleness
with which he asks his son to be in

a picture with him almost makes
himbelievable, even likeable.
Unfortunately, the nice-guy-
meets-a-nice-girl part of his char-
acter is gag-worthy. It's the same
"you hang up first" joke you see on
sitcoms all too often, but without
the self-aware irony - just lovers
tryingto be cutesy, clueless to how
annoying they are. In short, "Safe
Haven" has but a quantum of suc-
cess in portraying giddy youth.
There's more life to Ken and Bar-
bie than this cloying melodrama.
That said, the fault mostly lies
with its superficial script, which
substitutes believable charac-
ter development for half-baked
emotional depth. Erin suffered
through an alcoholic, abusive rela-
tionship; Alex loses his childhood
sweetheart, but their problems
are hardly given their due respect.
While "Safe Haven" isn't meant to
be commentary butjustsomething
fun, the ankle-deep character
writingnonetheless fails to engage
its audience. And the dialogue: so
tacky and stilted, one wishes "Safe
Haven" were a silent film instead.
Near the movie's finale, Jo (Cobie
Smulders, TV's "How I Met Your
Mother"), Erin's best friend in
Southport, proclaims the day sim-
ply "incandescent." Who the hell
says that?
The story's emotional shal-
lowness is made still worse by its
cock-eyed plot twists. A super-
natural element is tossed into the
mix to little effect, except for the
presumable purpose of sewing up
the plot's loose ends. By doing so,
the tremendous suffering of both
characters is trivialized, robbed

of its trauma - whose full weight
is, again, terribly absent in the
first place. The result of the cheap
addition of supernaturalism? A
complete lack of authenticity. The
plot twists are inane, their stupid-
ity exceeding excusability; "Safe
Haven" is offensively stupid.
Barbie and Ken
have more life.
Nothing yet has been men-
tioned of the stock music riddled
throughout the film or the severe
incompetence of editor Andrew
Mondshein ("The Odd Life of Tim-
othy Green") and director Lasse
Hallstrfm's ("Salmon Fishing in
the Yemen"). For there are great
romance movies out there. Take
"Amour," recently released in the
Michigan Theater, or even "Silver
Linings Playbook." Watch some-
thing that'll make you laugh and
cry, not slap yourself via facepalm.
The worst thing a film can do is
make you feel like it wasted your
time. It'd be wrong to say "Safe
Haven" did that. No, it damn near
brings your pulse to a syrupy stop
with boredom. It drawls with the
urgencyofafilibuster, allbutwast-
ing its (and your) time. More time
is spent convincing us how cute
Alex and Erin are together than
crafting a story built on genuine
people of genuine problems. It's an
insufferable experience.Youmight
as well stay home and munch on
stale bread. _

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