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2B Wednesday, April 11, 2012 // The Statement
THE JUNK DRAWER

I Wednesday~~- , Apil11 212// heStte en

from two weeks ago: tedx & csg
Are you going to TEDxUofM?

random student interview
by laura argintar/ illustrations by jeff zuschlag
Welcome to the Random Student sucked so hard. I'm a huge fan of those gross ones with pictures. One
Interview, where it's not our "American Pie.' Those movies are time I got in trouble.
firsttime at the rodeo. classics.

College confidential
As told to Laura Argintar
Ever fantasize about having sex on the block 'M'? Wonder what really goes on in the Michigan dining hall? Individuals
speak out about scandals you've always felt were happening on campus but never knew who they happened to.

Yes
Z-~50%

No /
50%

Do you think Manish Parikh and Omar Hashwi should
have been disqualified from CSG elections?
N o
53%
Online comments
"'tDES OF MARCH'- should have been the headline...Still have to sup-
port Manish. He is well spoken, intelligent and approachable."
-hauswaldo
"The tide begun to turn when the Commission discovered that the oppo-
sition had e-mailed the exact lists Social Work listserv that they accused
Andrews had e-mailed. Practice what you preach, man!"
-libarmatdor
*63 We tweet, too!
Follow us on Twitter @thestatementmag

Howdy, partner! I cannot even imagine what
I wasn't aware we were at a rodeo. they're going to put into that
movie. I hope it lives up to the
Me either, but your hat suggests hype. So what's the move to
otherwise. wrap up the end of the year?
I'm trying to eat at and go to as
many places as possible. I know I
have a year left, but when the end
of the year comes I still get nos-
talgic. My girlfriend and I want to
Oh yeah! I guess I forgot to take it go to Raven's Club on a Wednes-
off. I had a presentation for a class day night or Blue Lep karaoke. I
and wore this. heard you have to tip the karaoke
guys to actually sing, though,
Must've beenan interesting pre- because the lines so long. And I
sentation. What class was this for? have to make it to Rick's now that
It's not really related to the class. I'm finally 21.
I think I just chose to wear this
hat because I liked it. Now you're Rick's gets rowdy. It's one of my
making me feel really stupid in it, favorite places. There's a bar-
though. tender there that wears a shirt
that says, "What's Your O-Face?"
On the contrary - I'm a big fan of
cowboy hats. They're very Brit-
ney Spears circa 2005. Anyway,
did you check out Bruce Con-
forth's lecture? 9
Yeah. I actually went to the MTV
taped production of it. It was at
the Business School. It was really
inspiring, not to be cheesy. He's the Dude, my girlfriend would not like
man. He just gets it, no bullshit. I this innuendo.
never had him as a teacher but I'm
hoping to take his class next year if I'll show you mine if you show
I can get into it. me yours.
(Laughs nervously) Nah, I'm npt a
Yeah, he's likea celebrity. It's good sharer.
nice the school honors teachers
like him. Have you seen "Ameri- I bet that bartender gets alot of
can Reunion" yet? awesome lines about that shirt.
No, but I need to get around to it. I And tips.
wish I went to that Q&A after the I used to be a waiter at a pub back
screening at the theater. I waited in at home and I'd always wear stupid
line forever. My friends and I tried shirts like that. It promotes conver-
to make a buddy system where we sation, which is always nice. And
rotated who had to wait in line, but yes, tips. I'd wear those stupid ones
I ended up not making it in, which with terrible puns on the back or
THE statement
Magazine Editors: Editor in Chief:
Dylan Cinti Joseph Lichterman
Jennifer Xu Design Editor-
Deputy Editor: Nolan Loh
Kaitlin Williams Copy Editor:
Josephine Adams

Wanna tell me an example of one
of these shirts?
I don't know, they're really bad.
One says "I tried it at home" and
has a picture of a dead guy with
blood spurting out of his head. Stu-
pid but kind of funny.
SI
(Laughs) I get it. I'msure you're
not telling me about the others in
your extensive collection so, what
are your plans for the summer?
I got an internship in New York,
so that's pretty exciting. It's at a
finance company and I'm hoping
it turns into a job when I graduate.
I've never lived in New York. The
internship doesn't start until June
and it goes through August.
Finance does not sound excit-
ing. Don't you have to work
really hard this summer? Sorry,
I sound like an ass. I guess it's
pretty legit if you get ajob out of
it. Still though, I'd rather have a
stupid one that's only three days
a week. I guess I'mjust bitter
about having to graduate and get
a realjob. Don't rush into it!
(Laughs) No, I understand. I don't
really want to work that much, but
it's kind of what I'm conditioned
to do.
Well, as long as you can wear
your cowboy hat to work, I think
you'll be OK.
- Max is a Business junior.
Managing Editor:
Josh Healy
Photo Editor:
Terra Molengraff
Junk Drawer:
Jordan Rochelson

Chea ter s nev'e r p ro s p e r ?
always heard those scary stories about teachers comparing Scantron answer sheets or putting
essays through special websites, but I never actually believed them - or even if I did, I didn't
care. I had it perfected to a science: I'd sit in the lefty desks on the aisle, and I'd be elevated in
the stadium-style seating in the lecture hall. I could see everyone's Scantrons in the aisle adjacent to
mine. It worked for quite some time and in a variety of classrooms.
It was a stupid test. I was sitting next to my best friend, and I guess we were a little too confident
because we didn't notice our teacher noticing our blatant cheating. When we handed in our papers
(each at different times; we weren't that dumb), our professor made a suspicious comment. I tried to
play it cool and forget about it, but afterward I caught up with my friend, and she was worried.
A few days later, we both got separate e-mails requesting to meet with the professor individually.
I knew we were caught. He said if we formally wrote him a letter admitting to cheating, he wouldn't
notify the University, and we'd just receive zeroes on the test. My friend was more concerned about
writing that letter than getting a zero, which I thought was absurd.
That class ruined my GPA. I guess I was a little bitter about the whole thing because I couldn't
bring myselfto write the letter - I somehow convinced myself I didn't really cheat. So I paid someone
else to write it for me and sent it in.
was at Espresso with a friend, talking about 've hearc
Adderall and studying for the LSAT, and this never su
guy was eavesdropping and started talking to It's ac
us. I nudged my friend, feeling really uncomfortable inside or else
because I recognized him as my professor from last cab driver dr
year. We had to
Somehow, we started talking about where he was heard of pet
from, where we were from - that kind of thing. We faulty turnst
both thought he was gay. Then we all exchanged place it shou
numbers and e-mails. ioned. We ft
He actually wrote me an e-mail a couple days later. fence, so he
We had discussed restaurants when we met, and in top of the tra
the e-mail he wrote, "Why don't we try one out?" other side a:
Assuming he was gay, I agreed to go. bars.
We met for drinks at The Black Pearl and got a bot- Then hef
tle of wine. Then I was like, "OK, this guy is weird," and brought
so I went to the bathroom, called a cab, came back out land on it as
and said it was time to peace out. He tried to kiss me, a mistake. I
and I got all weird. Then I realized he actually was bin and lane
not gay or pretending not to be. Anyway, he continued one. It hurt
to e-mail me. I didn't respond. that's where
I saw him again at Amer's, and I said "Oh, I was in, becauseI
sick. I haven't had time to respond to e-mail, and I've it hurting.
been away for two weeks." It was a shitty lie and awk- We got to
ward situation, but I thought that that would have incredible. A
*uumsepuguevillgestI been the end. However, he continued to e-mail me, one bright li
PROFESSOR not getting the hint. block 'M'. It'
u" """""" suiM "" I see him around campus and wave or put my head of my life -s
down. But I'm still wondering if he ever remembers the followin
me from class. guy.
ILLUSTRATIONS BY NOLAN LOH

Confessions of a cafeteria
s part of my work- worker
study, I work in one of the
ichigan dining halls. It is what
it is. Would I rather be earning cash else-
where? Yes. Am I doing that, too? Yes.
I'm sure you want to hear all about how we drop food on the floor and
still serve it. Or that we spit in it. It never happens.
It's sometimes awkward when I'm wiping up crap after a kid from my
discussion. Or when I'm cleaning some mess and my friends walk in, and I
can't join them. But then I get to clean up their mess too.
I hate when people linger. Like if I'm putting up the chairs and you're
still sitting there, you should probably leave.
Girls eat more than guys, but guys definitely eat grosser shit. My favorite
is those girls who come in every day, starting out at a normal size in Octo-
ber and then gradually, they get bigger and bigger. That shit is pretty funny.

"W

d of so many people trying to break in to the Big House, coming really close, and
cceeding. I've done it twice.
tually pretty complicated, and you have to be the perfect kind of drunk to get
you'll either be too sloppy to maneuver or too sober to attempt it. We had the
op us off at the gates of the stadium after leaving the-bar.
circle around it for a while before figuring out a way to get in. I've
ple doing crazy shit to get over the fence: slipping through
iles, getting a limb stuck some
ldn't. We were pretty old fash-
ound a trash bin near the
went first. He stood on
ash bin, leaped over to the
nd kind of slid down the
found another trash can Q
it closer so that I could
I jumped over. That was
jumped from one trash
ded over onto the other
so bad - well, actually,
the drunk part comes
I don't really remember
the 50-yard line. It felt
Li of it. There was only
ght on, spotlighting the
was some of the best sex
so good that I went back
g year with a different