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13 WensaNoebr9 2011 / heStteen

I WednsdayNovembr 9, 011 / heStteen

statement
Magazine Editor:
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Editor in Chief:
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Hermes Risien
Photos:
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Copy Editors:
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Cover by Arjun Manhati
The Statement is The Michigan
Daily's news magazine, distributed
every Wednesday during the
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HAPPINESS IS
ONLY A SCOOPn
AWAY.

THEJUNKDRAWER
random student interview by kaillin williams

Welcome to the random
student interview,
where we existentially
debate your validity as a person.
Thanks for stopping.
Sure, why not?
Hey, I ask the questions here.
(Laughs) OK.
Don't worry, all the pressure is
on me. There isn't much pres-
sure on you at all. I only I need
to know one thing before we get
into it: Are you a real person?
Oh, I would say most days, yes.
Most days? What about Mon-
days?
If I've had my coffee.
Good thing it's Tuesday. You're
ready to be a real person today?
Yes I am. It took a little while, but
you know I got there.
Good. I had to ask because it
just occurred to me that I could
completely make you up. I'm
glad you're here and with us,
but I'm not sure we have every-
one convinced. So to hit the
point home, what's one word
that's just emblematic of you
right now?
Sleep-deprived.
No wonder you stopped to do
the interview. You're just too
tired to say no.
Yeah, I'm a zombie.
No, you're a real person,
remember?

Oh, yeah.
So, since we're only publish-
ing your first name and you
could be anyone named Renee,
is there anything you've never
told anyone that you'd like to
broadcast to the throngs of
readers I have?
I have no idea.
How about something you
wouldn't want your parents to
know?
(Laughs)
Come on. Anything you want to
scream from the rooftops?
I've never kissed a boy.
Oh wow. Have you kissed any-
thing else? I mean, when you
qualify that with "a boy" I start
to wonder.
No.
Well like maybe it's a saying like
you don't kiss "boys" you only
kiss men with scruffy beards.
Or you only kiss women, if
you're into that.
No.
Puppies? Puppies are great
kissers.
Oh no, that's gross.
Yeah, they're kind of gross, but
so are boys.
Yeah.
So do you anticipate creating
a movie starring Drew Barry-
more about your never-been-
kissed life?

No. No, I'm not that dramatic.
So do you mind me asking why
you're holding out?
Umm... Probably because I've
waited so long. I don't know. You
want it to be special, but at the
same time it's probably just going
to happen one day, and I'm going
to be like, "Wait! Did you just steal
my moment? I hate you."
Oh man. That's intense.
Yeah, there's a lot of pressure on
that guy.
So what would be the ideal cir-
cumstances under which you
would experience your first
kiss?
Umm. I like the guy. The guy is
attractive because I'm superficial
like that...
I think the whole world is.
They'll probably think you're
unattractive, but I can assure
them that you aren't and you
are a real person.
Maybe. Let's give them the ben-
efit of the doubt. So, and after a
wonderful conversation with this
attractive guy ... This is stupid. I
don't even know. I just want it to
happen sometime.
OK fair enough. That's a very
realisticgoal for averyreal per-
son named Renee.
Thanks.
Let's ground this conversation
and see what we have in com-

mon. Do you like Christmas
music?
I like it at Christmas.
I hate it at all times. Is now too
early?
Now is too early. I have to get
through Thanksgiving first before
I can listen to it.
What do you want to say to the
big Christmas music lovers?
Oh, they can stuff it.
Oh that's fantastic! Until
you've eaten you're stuffed
turkey at Thanksgiving, they
can stuff it!
Yeah, exactly.
It's quite a slogan. Glad we have
that feeling in common. So how
do you feel about people who
"reply all" to e-mails sent to
e-mail lists?
Umm ... I want to kill them.
I think the feeling is yet again
mutual.
Well I guess it depends on what
the message sent to "reply all" is.
You know, if it's a message asking
for the destruction of all Christ-
mas music as we know it, then I'm
all for it.
Fantastic. Who would've
known I would have so much in
common with this real person
named Renee that I most defi-
nitely did not make up!
-Renee is an LSA senior

BELLEVILLE, Mich. - Quietly
nestled beyond a deserted
intersection outside of Bel-
leville, Mich. sits Rollers Skate
Park - home turf of the Ann Arbor
Derby Dimes, Ann Arbor's roller
derby league since August 2010. On
a Wednesday night in November,
middle school pizza parties linger
in the lobby under the
neon lights. But push
through another set of
double doors and the
energy heightens.
THE GAME
On the shiny wood
rink, painted lines
gleam and direct a
swarm of fishnets, leop- Assist
ard print kneepads and
neon roller skates in
continuous circles. The
sound of a whistle com-
mands skaters to jump
or stop - a warm-up to Ass
practice skills essential
for the team to win a
game.
In derby, the game
is known as a bout. It C
comprises two 30-min- C
ute halves, according As
to referee Andrea Gru-
ber, also known by her
derby name, Whiskey.
Each half is split up into
two-minute sections called jams,
which is the equivalent of a play in
football.
Looking out at the track, Gruber
noted the calls the refs were mak-
ing as the teams scrimmaged, while
explaining how a bout works.
According to Gruber, each team
has five skaters on the track at a
time. On each team, there are two
types of players: jammers and
blockers. When the first whistle
blows, the blockers start skating
around the track. They're called
the pack. When the pack moves
past the pivot line, the jammers are
released.
"What makes derby special is
that it's both offensive and defen-
sive at the same time," Gruber said.
"The blockers are trying to get their
jammer through the pack, but stop
the other one. The first jammer to
get through is called the lead jam-
mer. After passing through the pack
a second time, every opponent she
laps is one point she gains for her
team."
The Ann Arbor Derby Dimes
League is composed of two home
teams, the Tree Town Thrashers
and the Huron River Rollers, and
one travel team, the A2D2 Brawl-
stars. The Thrashers and the Roll-

ers are both made up of 15 to 20
members and often play each other.
For the Brawlstars, bouts are
always against teams from other
leagues throughout the state.
"The travel team is the best of the
best," Gruber said.
Brawlstars skaters practice at
least three times a week, bouting
Derby
Girls
Huron River Rollers
Captain: Jacky O'Bashes
.ant Captain: Harriet The T
Tree Town Thrashers
Captain: Lezzie Arnaz
istant Captain: General St
Browlstors
:aptain: Kandy Knocka-ho
ssistant Captain: Courtnas
at tournaments twice a month on
an almost year-round schedule,
according to Gruber. Tournaments
attract many of Michigan's 14 derby
leagues and often span entire week-
ends.
This Saturday, the Brawlstars
will be heading to Shelby Township
for the Mitten Kitten Tournament
where 11 teams hailing from Tra-
verse City to Port Huron will bout it
out for the tourney title.
This weekend the Brawlstars
are playing Floral City and then the
Motor City Disassembly Line.
"Each team is seated depending
on what their scores have been in
past bouts," said Brawlstars mem-
ber Dani Van Dusen, known as
Hermione Gank-Ya when bouting.
"You're guaranteed at least two
matches. If you win one and lose
one, you might get a chance to play
again. Like for us, if we lose against
Floral City we play the Killamazoo
Derby Darlins on Sunday."
THE TEAMS
For a skater new to the derby
world, there's a lot to learn before
she can set a skate on the track for a
real bout. Inexperienced Ann Arbor

skaters - often referred to as "fresh
meat" - must go through a three-
month boot camp and pass a skills
test before being drafted to the
Thrashers or the Rollers.
For a lot of the women on the
Derby Dimes, the learning doesn't
stop after they're drafted.
"All sorts of women are here,"
said Elizabeth "Biz"
Nijdam, a Rackham
graduate student and a
skater for the Thrash-
ers.
"There are some girls
who need parental con-
sent, but we also have
women like me who are
30, to women married
with children working
in libraries, to women
highs on the verge of retire-
ment, who are actu-
ally some of the sportier
ones."
According to Nijdam,
the range in ages and
;rike sizes often works to the
Derby Dime's advan-
tage.
"We have these
tiny little girls
who can skate
e so fast, and then
ty we have these
blockers who
can knock any-
body down," Nijdam
said. "It's the most
accepting environment I've ever
been in because you don't have to
be anything in particular."
Alaina Lemon, who skates
under the alias of K.G.B. East,
is an associate professor of
socio-cultural and linguistic
anthropology at the Universi-
ty. Though she recently started
skating for the Derby Dimes, she
already appreciates the camarade-
rie among the women.
"It just makes me happy," Lemon
said. "It gives me something to
think about, to get better at ... to fail
at. Just being with all these women
who are urging each other to be
better and better is really great."
Though Lemon wasn't new to
the roller world, she said the bouts
were tough to get used to.
"The game is the hardest thing,"
Lemon said. "Getting all the rules
down and not getting confused
about what to do is difficult. The
first bout I scrimmaged in, I made
every mistake you could make - I
got on the jammer line and fell as
soon as they blew the whistle. The
rulebook is 43 pages thick, and I
forgot it all out on the track."
Even for the referees, it's "defi-
nitely a work out," Gruber said.
"We do a lot of different drills to

build strategy, endurance and agil-
ity," Gruber explained. "I ran for
Eastern, but once you get on skates,
it's a completely different story."
For Nijdam, though it's chal-
lenging, roller derby has become an
integral part of her weekly routine.
"It pushes you to your absolute
limits," Nijdam said. "It's what gets
me through grad school. If I didn't
have derby, I don't know if I'd make
it. It's my outlet ... we do endurance
tests that can last anywhere from
five to 30 minutes where you skate
really hard and really fast. It's just
blissful; I've never been pushed so
hard."
According to many skaters, roller
derby is not only physically tax-
ing, but it can even be dangerous or
harmful.
Heidi Nicewander, a gradu-
ate student in the School of Social
Work who rolls under the alias of
Charm School Reject, has perma-
nent damage to her cornea because
another skater's wrist guard caught
the corner of her eye.
"A lot of people have gotten bro-
ken legs or broken ankles,"
Nicewander said. "One
of our refs broke her
leg in the first three
minutes of the first
bout we ever
played,
so

ball or rugby, but many aspects of
the game distinguish derby from
these contact-driven sports - one
of these is their costumes.
According to Nijdam, the knee
and elbow pads hardly get in the
way of the Derby Dimes' self-
expression.
"It's really neat that some girls'
names become their persona,"
Najdim said. "They dress up so their 4
'boutfits' match their character. I'm
'Biz' by day, 'Biz' by night and 'Biz'
by derby, but we have girls like
'Hermione Gank-Ya' who always
wears a Hogwarts tie around her
waist and uses that Harry Potter
font on her jerseys."
Sirene-Rose Lipschutz, a gradu-
ate student in the School of Social
Work, skates under the alias Kitty
N. Pink. She said that choosing
derby names is a process based on
the player's unique interests and
their amount of loyalty to the team.
Each Derby name must be reg-
istered to each player - A National
Derby database disallows anyone
to have the same name as another
player in the country.
"You have to go to a certain num-
ber of practices to show that you
are dedicated, and then you get to
choose it," Lipschutz said, a skat-
er on The Tree Town Thrashers.
"Numbers are important too. I'm
34A. It's my bra size."
"There's a big dramatic aspect to K
it," Mark Schaffer, an avid derby
fan and friend of a Huron River
Rollers skater, said.
"It really just draws the
crowd in. Everything
from the costumes
the girls wear,
to their aliases,
to the numbers
they choose for
their jerseys. It's
almost more like
watching a show
than watching a spectator sport"
Schaffer said. "It has the skills and
finesse of a hockey game but the
theatrics of pro wrestling in some
respects."
Because of derby's outland-
ish persona that Schaffer ref-
erenced, the sport has not
had a large following in
the past. But recently,
especially in Michi-
gan, derby has
begun gaining
See DERBY,
Page 8B

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now
she's
reffing
because
she doesn't
want to
play. Stuff
like this
just proves
that this
is definitely
an aggressive
sport, just like
football and rugby."
THE
SPECTACLE
The intensity of
roller derby is often
compared to foot-

/ aly