0 0 0 0 0 IB Wednesday, January 26, 20 / The Statement PERSONALSTATEMENT the statement JANUARY 26, 2011 A DANGEROUS LUST AN ABUSIVE ENCOUNTER LEADS TO SELF DISCOVER BY ALLYSON SAMFILIPPO few years ago, I was madly in lust with my abuser. *Barry was 5'10" and tow- ered over me like a sneering gar- goyle. My ignorance nourished his caustic disrespect as our mutual antagonism evolved into palpable abuse. Our arguments excited me, and his slaps reinforced my suspi- cion that anon-jerk simply wouldn't satisfy my "needs." One day, in his mother's dingy apartment, one of our verbal quar- rels erupted into our last physi- cal struggle. I was sitting opposite him on a barf-green faux-velvet sofa chair. My thighs sunk into the cheap cushion. Barry was drum- ming the fingers of his left hand on the coffee table, hunched over the Marlboro Red he was twirling. The ashes fell haphazardly onto the table I could imagine his mother polishing hours earlier. Tomorrow, she would tut, clicking her tongue against her teeth and shaking her blonde curls, as she cleaned up after her freeloadingson. I scowled. "'What?" he smiled contemptu- ously. "You can't use the ashtray?" He puffed the cigarette, held in the smoke and exhaled through his yellow Chiclet-sized teeth before stubbing it out and rising to his feet, still smirking. "Nope." I rose to my feet so that my nose was level with his neck. I was not looking into his eyes. I usually didn't. Barry brought his middle and pointer fingers to the soft spot right below my collarbone WORLDLY From Page 5B She tried her first burrito earlier this month and her first cup of cof- fee during finals week last semester. Still, Zulkifli cultivates her home culture on campus, living with some other students from Malaysia and participating in a Malaysian club, which celebrates festivals for the three main ethnici- ties in Malaysia - Chinese, Malay and pushed, testing my mood. My weight shifted to the heels of my feet, andI put my hand on his shoul- der to steady myself. My mood was volatile. He mistook volatility for unsteadiness. He clenched my wrist, removed it from his shoulder and pushed it behind my back, spinning me around so I was facing the terrible print to the right of his mother's television of a woman sniffing flow- ers with her eyes closed. He had both my wrists in his glove-like grip, the fingers of his other hands jabbing into my sides. He was tick- ling me. This was vaguely amusingto me, until his touch became vicious. I bent forward slightly, letting my elbow drop and then bringing it forcefully into his thin torso. Hot air exploded from his lungs and he dropped my wrists immediately, doubling over with his face hidden. I smiled. This was how we played. Hands on his knees, he lifted his head and met my smile with a malevolentglare. Ina swift motion, Barry had picked me up, confining one arm to my side. His feet made circles on the shag camel rug beneath us, and my protests grew louder: "Put me down, now," I started. He ignored me, giggling. "I'm serious. I am going to hit you," I threatened. + Hestopped walking in circles and struggled in a curvy line toward the bathroom while my legs flailed in protest. "Let go of me!" I continued. and Indian. According to Zulkifli, the acceptance of different multi- cultural clubs is similar to the acceptance of diversityin Malay- sia, where people from different cultural backgrounds co-exist. This acceptance has helped Zulkifli adjust to new experienc- es and a life far different from the one she knew before. "I'm so far away from home and my friends here ... they make me feel like home," she said. and I slammed into the bathtub, tailbone first. He yanked the rod out of my hand, baring his teeth as he strained to unbend the metal into a straight line. I didn't move. I Y was absently staring up to the right at the moldy showerhead. Barry enveloped my limp hands in his aggressive ones, pulling me to my feet once more. I let him. Walking He set me down on the bathroom slowly to the living room, I scanned counter, one hand holding down my the stifling space for my coat that left arm and the other tightly grip- I found hanging on the plastic ping my thigh. In blinding anger, I metal rack. My shoes were in a pile brought my right hand back to gain beneath it. I grabbed my things and momentum and thrusted it forward padded down the stairs in stock- to meet his cheek. The sound of my ings, surprised by my calmness as hand on his face surprised me. And Barry trailed behind me cursing and afraid. "I was falling backward, so "You can't leave, Allyson. quickly and forcefully that I was You won't make it down the block." likely to bruise." I did leave, walking backward then silence. He paused, bewil- to my car with my shoes in hand in dered. I had never hit him, though the middle of February, staring at he told me his dad did. At once, him where he stood slouching in recognition filled his eyes until his the doorway. pupils seemed to be swimming in I am not thankful for Barry, rage. He pulled me off the coun- nor did he teach me any "lessons," ter by my collar and then pushed except how to throw a cuff with one me backward toward the bathtub, hand behind my back. Simply put, throwing his hands up with finality Barry was bringing nothing to the as he let go. table except violence and suffer- I was falling backward, so quick- ing. I shouldn't have needed a push ly and forcefully that I was likely to realize it. That night, I decided to bruise. I reached for the shower I was going to respect myself and curtain rod, but the stupid cheap to demand it from those around aluminum buckled into a V shape, me. The alternative was - and is - compromise and self-loathing. Here I am, very much in one piece, still drawing on the stan- dards I extracted from that grim year-long maelstrom with Barry. The would-be chaotic dating scene at the University, brimming with an infinite number of potential com- panions, all with varying accents, worldviews and life goals, has been simplified by my self-centered approach to dating. Before I invest more than a second glance, I want to know: "What are you bringing to my party?" This philosophy is self-centered, not selfish. It's necessary: an hon- est and critical evaluation of some- one's additive potential. Barry was bringing guacamole made with rotten avocados to my party. I don't blame him for his putrid fruits. My inexperience blinded me. I told him how to treat me. I didn't know how important guacamole was to the party aesthetic, nor did I real- ize exactly how many people were waiting behind the velvet rope bearing five-foot speakers, inten- tionally ordered playlists, crystal punch bowls, red cups and ping- pong balls. Now I know. I've hired bouncers. Your clever advances might be tempting, beer-breath bio- chemistry major and your 4.0 GPA is vaguely impressive, but what am I to do with your stale chips? -Allyson Samfilippo is an LSA junior *Names have been changed. An International Education The students who make Michigan a global community 4. 46 CENTER FOR ETHICS Fellowship Opportunities IN PUBLIC LIFE The Center for Ethics in Public Life is pleasedto announce its Fellowship Program for the 2011-2012 academic year. Fellowships are available for University of Michigan Doctoral candidates, Pre-candidates, and Undergraduates. The Dissertation Fellowship Program provides summer support for doctoral students who have achieved candidacy and who are writing dissertations that engage ethics in public life. The Pre-Candidate Fellowship Program provides summer support for pre-candidate doctoral students who plan to incorporate ethics in their dissertations. The Undergraduate Fellowship Program provides support for undergraduates to develop and explore issues related to ethics in public life for the campus community. Fellows will receive a stipend of $4,000. Applications are due February 21, 2011. For further details and application materials, please visit: www.ethics.umich.edu L^lThe [ic4igan wily