0 0 0Daily I. . . go Cheapening spring break How to have a kick-ass break without breaking your wallet By Allie White I Deputy Magazine Editor Don't waste your money on bot- tied water.*Sure, your parents told you never to touch anything that has come out of a faucet south of the Mason Dixon line, but come on now. You've been drinking alco- hol and eating Backroom Pizza for a while now - your stomach and intestines should have toughened up at this point. You can handle whatever surprises the tap water has to offer. Buy your alcohol at the duty- free store in the airport when you land. You'll probably pay around the same in Mexico for Patr6n as you would for El Toro in Michigan. Sadly, the higher-end liquor doesn't come with an adorable plastic som- brero like the cheap stuff does, but you can probably look past it for a smoother finish. Save the fancy restaurants for when your parents are footing the bill - embrace the authenticity and cheapness of beach-hut food. Who cares if you don't know how to ask, "Is this mysterious lump on a stick chicken?" in Spanish. Think of it as cultural immersion and go with the flow, man - you're on spring break! "Excursion" is really another way for a hotel to say "We're going to put you on a smelly bus, drive nine hours into the jungle to look at a stone that may or may not be really old, serve you a stale roll instead of the four-course lunch we promised and charge you a lot of money for it because we can." If you really want to venture outside of the comfortable all-inclusive bubble you're staying in, try to find cheaper alternatives to hotel- sponsored trips. Don't be afraid to ask the staff or guests for other, less expensive ways to explore the area. Just please remember tobe safe and have decent judgment. And even if exchange for cash? it's free, never.accept a tour run by If sitting on the beach isn't a guy with a hook for a hand and enough for you and the water sports what appears to be dried blood on enjoyed by those with money to his clothes. burn look too good to pass up, go the homemade route rather than paying someone to do it for you. po-it-yourself Step: Find a long rope, several it-y u durable trash bags, a hot glue gun and the closest hospital. Step 2: " Fashion a harness and a parasail out of the aforementioned materi- als. Step 3: Strap in. Step 4: recruit Is "Girls Gone Wild" paying per a few friends who are even drunker appearance yet? If yes, get on that! than you to pull the other end of the The probability that your parents rope as the run up the beach. Step will see the video is slim to none, 5: If you do manage to get off the so you really have nothing to worry ground, try not to die. Step 6: Rinse about. Or better yet, enter as many and repeat. hotel-hosted pool deck competi- Souvenirs were precious when tions as you can: bingo, wet t-shirt you were younger. But you're in contest, limbo, lap dance - they your twenties now - you don't need all offer some sort of prize to the your hair braided on the beach or winner. What's a little dignity in a shot glass that says "Acapulco." Save your pesos and spring for sun- screen instead. You won't be able to enjoy the trip you've spent.your money on if you're bed-ridden with third degree burns, wallowing in self-pity and aloe. Completely avoid hotel costs by simply pitching a tent or unrolling a sleeping bag on the beach and com- muning with nature. Beds, showers and ceilings are overrated. You'll get to wake up to the sun rising over the ocean, fresh air in your face and stray dogs peeing on your suitcases. Another plus of the sleeping-on- the-sand strategy is that you'll be guaranteed a prime location for lounging in the sun even if you're not down to wake up at the crack of dawn to compete with everyone else for beach chairs. And most importantly, there's no tipping the chair boy when you need neither the boy nor the chair. Charles Darwin Most intellectually frail ful spring break ever. Alexander Graham Bell Installed first phone is Mexican prison. Also first person to say "I want my phone call" ina Mexican prison. John F. Kennedy Marilyn Monroe Jane Goodall Cyborg X4500 Spent spring break relax- See John F. Kennedy Spring break with the Spring break is inef- ing in Cape Cod, basking chimps. Even under the ficient. Inefficiency must iv the sun and soabint in '5 crcumstances record he deleted. Allhail your the rays. Had a sony nice still not set for most feces robot overlords. time. Surprisingly, there is thrown at spring break. no documentation of this trip ever occurring. 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