The Michigan Daly Thursday, January 28,t2010
Spring break through the ages

Velociraptor
Around March, a bachelor
velociraptor discovered a
watering hole full of attrac-
tive female velociraptors.
A year later, he went back
with his buddies. Spring
break was born.

Moses
What started as a para-
dise getaway resulted in
a 40-year trek through
the desert. Record set for
biggest spring break flop.

Dante Aligheri
Dante set the record
for longest spring break
trip as he went through
all the circles of hell,
climbed through purga-
tory and ascended the
heavenly spheres. And
boy were his arms tired.

Copernicus
Revolutionized spring
break tanning when he
discovered that it was
the Earth that revolved
around the sun, not the
other way around.

Benjamin Franklin
Drinking inside with
his friends on a stormy
spring break night, Frank-
lin is dared to fly a kite
out the window with a
key attached to it. Record
holder for worst burns
acquired over spring
break.

Beethoven
Beethooen goes deaf at
sweet noon party from
standing too close to
speakers. Spends entire
rest of career trying to
recreate that one sweet
jam he was rockin' to.
Mistakenly continues to
compose fine classical
music,

pring reak
in a bottle
. grinder we never could've fully
WASHED ASHORE prepared for. OK, so the park rang-
From Page 5B ers were quite apprehensive to
sign off on our particularly ambi-
He spent the next ten minutes tious itinerary (which we ended up
laughing in bursts of bubbles from deviating from anyway). But how
his regulator as we slowly but sure- were we supposed to know the
ly figured outthatthe white chunks temperatures in the Texas desert
of ceramic we were examining would reach 110 degrees at mid-
were in fact the remnants of toilets. day? Or that we'd get stalked by
Asshole. a mountain lion? Or that I would
I don't know how long it took step inches from a coiled rattle-
us, but when it was clear we finally snake while hiking at night?
understood, he floated over and And, yes, the park rangers
took a seat. In a particularly light warned us there was only one
year for tourists, our diving guide flowing source of stater on the way
had to get his laughs in somehow. to our ultimate destination: the Rio
So he watched as seven ridicu- Grande, a mercury-contaminated
lous Americans, decked out in full glorified gutter. It was a puddle,
diving gear, closely analyzed the mislabeled as a spring. And what a
scum-covered porcelain artifacts. savior that puddle was - until out
Classiest break ever. water filters clogged and broke,
-ANT MITCHELL Finally, though, we arrived at

-
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Thursday, January 28,2010- The Michigan Daily
a b
2010 7:30 PM
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Noah
doab thinks he is seeng
douhle on the Ark. Tells wine
and children. First recorded
instance of someone acting
drunk on spring break when
actually not. Definitely not
the last.

Emperor Nero
As Rome burned to th
ground, emperor Neri
played his fiddle in the
streets. He still holdst
record for most laid
approach to spring hoe
Runner up for worst
burns acquired over
spring break.

Columbus Shakespeare
Columbus sails the ocean Shakespeare voyages
blue on Queen Isabella's to the beach for spring
dime. First recorded Moctezuma I hreak'hoping to pick
spring breab booze up the ladies. He soon
cruise. A so cheapest While his pyramids were discovers that Shownme
originally believed to be your pounds of flesh" is
temples, archaeologists an ineffective pickup line .
now beleon they were Worst spring break sex-
aborate marketing ploys ploits ever Napolean

e
the
ack
eab.

designed toices
tourism during spring
breaks 400 years later.


Bonaparte
Napoleon set the record
for most depressing
spring break when he
went to Disney World
with his buddies but was F
too short to ride all the
rides. Then he whined
about it, even though it
was his idea. What a dick.
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If you're looking to flirt with
fatality this spring break, keep in
mind you've got options other than
alcohol poisoning. You could ven-
ture into one of the world's most
unforgiving environments, going
toe-to-toe with the oppressive
forces of nature.
That's what my roommates and
I did last February when we struck
out for Big Bend National Park in
extreme southwest Texas.
Despite the experience many
members of our crew possessed,
our five-day backcountry trek
across barren Big Bend was a meat

the Rio Grande,n here we cel-
ebrated b rationing water and
clamoring for shade at the ruins
of a 16th-century stone Span-
ish house. That night, we hiked
15 miles to a developed campsite,
where we rediscovered the glory of
plumbing and undercooked pasta.
We made it back to Ann Arbor
alive after another overnight drive,
and the ensuing shower was in my
lifetime's top 5. if the excitement
of the life-threatening desert trek
wasn't enough, the 105-mile-per-
hour driving on the rural Texas
highway strips will stay with me to
this day.


L ®R

..... ---A ------

-DAVID WA'.

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