8A - Monday, January 25, 2010

The Michigan Daily ; michigandaily.com

An unholy nightmare

Pepa with a
grain of salt

Senselessly villainizing God
in a boring diner, 'Legion'
has no means of redemption
By NICK COSTON
Daily Arts Writer
Religion is a tough plot device to wrangle
for even the hardest-boiled veteran filmmaker.
The balance of maintaining creative license and
deigning to the pressures of
the almighty Box Office is a
delicate one, and its, success-
ful maneuvering can lead to Legion
critical praise and commercial
success for the resulting film. At Quality 16
One misstep, though, can undo and Showcase
a lifetime of sincere effort. ScreenGems
Fourteen missteps, well, that
just turns into "Legion."
"Legion" is ostensibly about a boring diner
full of boring people, including a pregnant
young grouch who unknowingly carries anoth-
er Messiah in her womb. These unlikeable stock
characters ramble interminably about things
in which the audience has no interest - in one
scene, the diner's owner hits the TV to improve
the reception for what might be ten uninter-
rupted minutes - until Paul Bettany ("The Da
Vinci Code") shows up with a car trunk full of
guns and a bloody back where his wings used to
be. He's the archangel Michael, and he's here to
save us from the evil forces of God.
That's right, God is the villain in "Legion."
The Big Man Upstairs is sick of humanity turn-
ing its back on Him, and He has decided to wipe
us all out using His famous strategy of sending
angels to possess weak-willed humans like zom-
bies - an attack He hasn't employed since the
Book of Applebee's.
There's a precedent in scripture for God's dis-
satisfaction with mankind. Angels have been
characterized as warriors in films past. But
"Legion" introduces the concept that those who
deliver God's judgment are malevolent demons.
The first attack comes from a little old lady,
whose violent intentions are revealed after she
eats a raw steak covered in flies, tosses some
F-bpmbs atthe pregnant girl, rips open a man's
throat with her shark teeth and skitters around
on the ceiling like a spider. She's supposed to be
on God's side?
It's asking a lot of an audience to root against
God, and the religious and atheist viewer alike
deserve more than just villainous, foul-mouthed
angels as a reason to do so. Michael continually
explains his decision to revoke his angel status
and defend humanity as giving God what He
needs rather than simply what He wants. The
film flatly states bizarre assumptions like these,

By CAROLYN KLARECKI
Senior Arts Editor
If the early '90s were the
Renaissance forhiphop,then Salt-
N-Pepa were Leonardo DaVinci
and Michelan-
gelo (Spin-
derella can be
Donatello). Let's Talk
Their jams were
infectious, and Abo Pep
everyone knew Mondays at
who they were. 10:30 p.m.
But what goes VHl
up must come
down eventu-
ally, and Salt-N-Pepa have been
down for the past decade. They
have yet to accept their slip into
the has-been abyss and instead
are making regular appearances
on VHI celebreality shows to
boost their image. Their latest
publicity stunt is an insight into
Pepa's dating life with "Let's Talk
About Pep."
Not only has Sandy "Pepa"
Denton lost her star power, but
she has also fallen off the dating
radar. After four years of celi-
bacy, she has decided to get out
there and resume the search for
Mr. Right. Apparently, this war-
rants a TV show. And what girl
wouldn't go on a man hunt with-
out her BFFs at her side?
"Let's Talk About Pep" follows
Pepa and her three besties who
fit neatly into convenient female
stereotypes. Joumana Kidd is
the sweet and compassionate
divorcee looking for some fun.
Jacque Reid is the ambitious
career woman who's ready for a
family, but doesn't want to wait
for love. That's why she's look-
ing first and foremost for.sperm.
And then there's Kali Troy, or
"Kittie" - the wild child who
went on a date to a strip club and
loved every minute of it. The four
go outwith guys and convene at
brunch to dish the details while
the cameras catch every moment.
The entertainment factor of
"Let's Talk About Pep" is based

on what females do with theil
everyday lives. There's no need to
listen to Pepa and her gang when
the girls down the hall have gos-
sip that's just as juicy. While it's
true that Pepa's dating life is a
little more exciting than most
(no one in real life is showered
with gifts on the first date), she's
not exactly starring in her own
personal romantic comedy. Still,
the creators did everything they
could to create suspense.
Each scene is accompanied
by what can only be described
as porno music - that funky
music that screams "Let's get
it on," creating the expectation
that someone will do just that.
But other than the requisite VH1
hot tub and stripper pole, "Let's
Talk About Pep" is quite tame
for a show centered on whether
or not Pepa is going to get laid.
Too cryptic to
resolve its
sexual intriguer
When that question is finally
brought to the table, Pepa coyly
refuses to divulge any details (as
though the line separating trashy
and classy hadn't already been
crossed with all the love-making
music). All that build-up with
no satisfaction makes for a total
waste of a half hour.
However, when it comes down
to the bottom line, "Let's Talk
About Pep" is fun and flirtatious
if not a little cheesy - all that it
hoped to be and nothing more
than other similar shows. Hard-
core Salt-N-Pepa fans will love
the glimpse into Pepa's personal
life, but the show doesn't explore
any deeper than her previous
forays into reality TV. It's not a
comeback by any means, but it
might beat some of Michelange-
lo's later stuff.

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"Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret. And I'm going to kill you."

and the audience is expected to accept them
without question. It doesn't matter whether the
viewer believes in God; he or she deserves more
than to be thrown into a film where mankind's
traditional source of compassion and mercy
becomes a zombie warlord.
So yes, "Legion" will grossly offend any practi-
tioner of an Abrahamic faith. But it should offend
everyone else, too. It's not terribly important that
the film vilifies God so lazily when everything
else in itis such indefensible garbage.
Michael's introductory wing removal is the
crown moment of the film's idiocy. He falls out
of the sky, wings and all, in a patented Termi-

nator bubble and lands in a Los Angeles alley
before dragging a heavenly dagger across his
nipples. Apparently angels' wings are loosely
affixed at the chest, because he then appears in
a dirty bathroom with holes in his back before
moving on to a room full of automatic weapons.
Oh, you don't know about the secret gun depot
for fallen angels in Los Angeles?
Calling "Legion" stupid gives it too much
credit. Stupidity implies some innocence.
"Legion" is an aggressive defiance of reason.
It should not have gone straight to Blu-ray. It
should not have gone straight to Betamax. It
should have gone straight to Hell.

EL m A omE
reboot at our spa.

A jolt of lostlove from Eels.

A-AVEDAINSTITUTE

By BRIAN FLAHERTY
Daily Arts Writer
Now in the throes of middle age, Mark Everett is as
ambitious, forthright and melancholy as ever. Often
going by the moniker "E," the tor-
mented singer-songwriter behind
Eels confronts his experience of
divorce with potency and matu- Eels
rity in the band's latest album End
Times. Weaving a tale replete with End Times
Eels's customary themes (alienation, Vagrant
loss, insecurity and loneliness), the
album adds a dimension of social
commentary as Everett draws parallels between his
failed relationship and a society that manufactures
failed relationships.
End Times is an experiment that occasionally
wants to cry "Eureka," but often doesn't pan out. At
times, E draws gripping connections between his own
experiences with intimacy and an outer world that
lost its authenticity. When he describes "People sleep-
ing / In Hazmat suits / Taping up their window" in
"On My Feet," he makes a haunting assertion that fear
and alienation in society has invaded and spoiled his
most intimate relationships. But when Everett likens
his grief-stricken self to a suicide bomber looking for
an easy way out in "Paradise Blues," the lyrics seem to
have been written more for shock value than mean-
ingful artistic purpose.
Following six months after a previous album
that explored the topjc of desire, the 14 tracks in E's
"divorce album" gravitate between angst-filled bum-
mer-rock and intimate melodies in Everett's hypnotic
vocals. End Times's volatile blend of musical styles
adds breadth to the album but it unfortunately falls
short of coalescing into a unified work.
Sometimes the album's tracks blend and comple-
ment each other harmoniously. Other times, they
clash together in head-on collisions that just aren't
pleasant for listeners. This problem first rears its head
between the opener and second track. The album's
opener, "The Beginning," is a butterflies-and-rain-

bows indie-folk tune of a relationship in its beginning
stages. But the second track, "Gone Man," features
beefy riffs and an overpowering rhythm, both very
much discordant with the song it follows. Everett's
attempt to represent the spectrum of his relationship
is respectable, but it doesn't go off without a hitch.
Still, End Times glimmers with tracks like "A Line
In the Dirt," which recounts in beautiful melancholia
the growing distance between E and his partner, the
final argument that broke E's marriage and his weigh-
ing uncertainty over whether he would ever return
home. Spare details and subtle piano arrangements
convey the vision of the gentle, troubled artist without
devolving into sentimentalism.
In "I Heed A Mother," E's confessions border on
heartbreaking when he links his desire for an affec-
tionate relationship to the loss of his mother to can-
cer. "I been your daddy for too long of a time / Need
a little help, you know / Just once in a while," he
sings with an echo. Perhaps the best moments on the
album are those like this one - when E's confessions
of personal experience trigger nuanced, penetrating
self-assessments.
Everett offers a candid
look at his own
experience with divorce.
For a work fixated on alienation and lost love, the
album is refreshingly upbeat and honest. "Well, it's
a wonder I survive," E admits in the album's hope-
ful final track, "And I'll be all right." There's little bad
faith and no villain in the story. Rather, it's an artist
making a candid and sometimes lacerating evalu-
ation of his experiences, his former partner and his
environment. End Times may not be groundbreaking,
but it's a welcome escape from the myopic, one-sided
breakup albums that so often line store shelves.

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BURIED LIFE
From Page 7A
Ronaldo and his agent. Is it juvenile
humor? Yes. Is it funny? Sort of.
The fact that only two of them
actually make it into the mansion
(the Cristiano Ronaldo bit doesn't
work out) lends a sense of realism to
"The Buried Life" - it's clear that
Playboy Mansion security doesn't

know what's going on. This sense
is heightened by the documentary-
style filming, which seems genuine
and especially appropriate for the
more contemplative moments.
As for the socially-conscious half
of the show, it's nice to see under-
privileged kids get a new computer
for their classroom. But watching
the guys swear, strip and party with
Playboy bunnies in one scene and
then talk to kids about the impor-
tance of education in the next is

jarring, no matter how well inten-
tioned they are. MTV will need to
reign in their wild sides - or at least
commit to more substantial acts of
generosity - if the network wants
to reconcile the split personalities
of "The Buried Life."
If MTV really wantsto update its
channel with some classier shows,
"The Buried Life" is a decent start-
ing point. Now all it needs is more
maturity - so put your pants back
on, guys.

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READ ANOTHER TV REVIEW ONLINE.
Go to michigandaily.com to read about Fantasia Barrino's life crisis as documented on VH1.

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