4 10 - Tuesday, September 15, 2009 The Michigan Daily - michigandaily.com The CW's bloody mess of a series 4 Beautiful people, hideous acting skills. 'Meirose Place' has nowhere to go By CAROLYN KLARECKI Daily TV/New Media Editor "Twilight" has our country split more than it was during the last presidential election. Girls from ages 12 to 18 absolutely h love it - most everyone else, DjarieS not so much. But hopefully every- Thursdays one can agree at8 p.m. that The CW's The CW "The Vampire Diaries" has accomplished what most "Twilight"-haters must've never thought possible: It makes "Twi- light" look good. Next to "Vampire Diaries," "Twilight" looks like a brilliant piece of Pulitzer Prize- winning literature, and the movie seems like a contender for an Oscar. Yes, the show is that awful. Elena (Nina Dobrev, "Degrassi: The Next Generation") is a small- town girl recently orphaned by a car crash of which she was the sole survivor. On her first day back at school she catches the eye of the hunky new guy, Stefan Salvatore (Paul Wesley, "Army Wives"), who also happens to be a 170-year-old vampire. Their budding romance may never pan out, however, because Stefan's brother Damon (Ian Somerhalder, "Lost") has vowed to ruin every- thing. Throughout the season, Damon and Stefan will compete for Elena's affection, and hints of some plot-thickening supernatural happenings are already sprinkled everywhere. Almost immediately, the hor- rendous acting is evident. The actors utter already-cheesy lines in hushed tones as if everything they say is the most important thing anyone in their audience will ever hear. But the majority of the hour- long show is taken up by the char- acters staring forlornly into the distance - usually accompanied by music from The Fray - while contemplating how sad they are and wondering if they'll ever find happiness. Stefan is clearly fashioned after "Twilight" heartthrob Edward Cullen, as all of his facial expres- sions give that trademark look which says: "I can't reconcile my love for you with the fact that I want to eat you. And the script says to give a 'pained expression!"' Elena, meanwhile, is the newBella. She has one expression that's sup- posed to say "I'm shy and nobody understands me."' When the characters aren't half- whispering their thoughts to their friends or staring away from the camera, they're writing their triv- ial motivations into their diaries. Elena just wants to be able to smile again, her ex-boyfriend (Zach Roerig, "Friday Night Lights") just wants to win her back, Stefan just wants to exist peacefully in the small town (and win over the girl) and Damon just wants to wreak havoc by pursuing Elena too. It's not really clear why all these boys/ vampires are after the girl, but it's a little exhausting to watch a bunch of characters who all have only one goal in mind. Unsurprisingly, it makes for a painfully one-dimen- sional plot. Many people have called "Vam- pire Diaries" the next "Twilight," or at least its TV analog. It's nei- ther. "Twilight" was certainly not classy by any means, but it was a phenomenon that sparked a reviv- al in the vampire sub-genre and turned it into a bizarre adolescent It even makes 'Twilight' look respectable. trend. Stupid? Perhaps. But pow- erful? Definitely. Because of the success of this new vampire move- ment, the premiere of "Vamgire Diaries" became the most viewed program in the history of The CW. "Vampire Diarles" does what it can to imitate the "twilight" series, hoping success will quickly follow. But it does so with an inadequate cast, meager writing and shallow characters. And - lets be honest - "Twilight" really wasn't worth imitating in the first place. The remake of the '90s staple suffers from trying to modernize too much By JAMIE BLOCK Senior Arts Editor For better or for worse (hint: it's for worse), this isn't your parents' "Melrose Place." Never before would we have heard such evoca- tive and intriguing dialogue as "People will think we hooked up," retorted ever so wittily and mod- Merose ernly with "It'll give them some- thing to tweet about." mice The new "Melrose Place" Tuesdays appears to have been written by at 9 p.m. a team of "cool moms" and "cool The CW dads" who want to be "hip" to what all the "bros" are saying on the "strizzeets." Nobody in the cast acts his or her age, instead reverting to a demeanor reminiscent of the most obviously scripted scenes of "Laguna Beach." But considering both shows are aimed at the same demographic, that may not be so accidental - though it's still very unfortunate. With its primetime sloton The CW, the new "Mel- rose" is not hoping to win back the loyal daytime soap fans of yesteryear, but instead to cause a new genera- tion to rise up in cries of "Not now, I'm watching my stories," or something very similar but with more teen slang in it. It has all the staples of the modern teen drama: sex scandals, attractive lesbians (even "Heroes" is rumored to be using this tactic now), handsome heartthrobs and, obviously, murder. Yes, murder is afoot. Sultry landlord Sydney Andrews (Laura Leighton of the original "Melrose Place") returns as an older, more experienced bad girl only to be stabbed and dumped in the pool, much to the shock of her many tenants - each of whom, of course, seems to have some sort of motive to kill her. There's rich-boy renegade David Breck (Shaun Sipos, "Shark"), his partner-in-sexual-tension Ella Simms (Katie Cassidy, "Harper's Island"), the charming indie film- maker Jonah Miller (Michael Rady, "Greek") and his new fiancee Riley Richmond (Jessica Lucas, "90210") among others. But in a cast where everyone seems to want to have sex with everybody else, it's hard to know if any of those relationships will last more than a few weeks. On the other hand, with all the characters so irritating anyway, it's unlikely anyone will be heart- broken if they start to break up and shuffle around. Beyond the derivative writing and trashy cast of characters, the show's editing and camera work render the new "Melrose" difficult to watch even if you can handle the sleaziness. In the blink of an eye, the camera might cut between four or five dif- ferent camera angles, none of which even features the active character or object. While this is great for people hoping to get motion sickness in the comfort of their own homes, it's terrible for anyone hoping to be pleasantly entertained for an hour. And when it comes to sheer entertainment value, "Melrose" just doesn't deliver. This could change once it moves past its first few weeks, but at present the show inspires a constant uttering of, "We get it. They have troubled pasts. Let's move on." The inser- tion of unnecessary flashbacks only exacerbates this feeling. And whenever a big question is asked, such as why Simms hates Andrews so much, it just gets answered right away. The only major suspense left is the main murder plot, which isn't enough to tide viewers over from episode to episode. The new "Melrose Place" certainly isn't the trash- iest option on The CW lineup, but it will still satisfy anyone looking for a promiscuous diversion. That said, without some compelling cliffhangers and believable dialogue, even the sex scenes may not be enough to save the new "Melrose" from the remake junk pile. 0 Plot hole No. 2,417: Vampires aren't supposed to be able to appear in photographs. Patrick Swayze 1952-2009 Send us your favorite Swayze memories. SORORITY ROW From Page 5 both the most obvious choice and the least obvious.at the same time. There are such big holes in the logic at this point that a car could be driven through them without touching the sides. But no matter: If you're seeing "Sorority Row," it's clear that logic and rational thinking mean nothing to you. The saddest part of the whole film is how it com- pletely wastes a talent like Carrie Fisher. As the house mother, Fisher gives enoughspunk and energy to make up for the rest of the cast's lethargy. Growling Come *to mama" while wielding a shotgun, she'.begging for more screen time. Sadly, the director must have assumed (probably correctly) that the target audience would rather see skimpily clad bimbos (even though they can't hold a candle to Fisher in a metal bikini). It is probably for the best that films like this will be quickly madethen forgotten. If only the sisters had dumped this film down the mineshaft and saved all of us the trouble. E-mail us at battlebots@umich.edu. JiTCj,1Midigan Jai P R E S E N T S "I swear it's just for a new role-playing scenario. Work with me." THE ANTLERS From Page 5 tion to the ever-growing genre of fantastic breakup records. While the mangled lyrics can be taken quite literally as the depiction of a man helplessly watch- ing his wife die in her hospital bed as he lies beside her, they work just as well as a gritty allegory for the anguished deterioration of a highly dysfunctional relationship. And when Silberman invites all you hopeless romantics to be "buried awake" with him in his hospital bed, you should probably just cave. You'll feel better after. between tongue-in-cheek jest and morbidity. Hospice is a lot of things. It's a grower for sure. It's a record that's meant to be listened to as a record. It's a triumphantly tight combination of experimen- tal decay and pop sensibility. It's also a worthy addi- SICK OF THE DORMS? CAN'T FIND A PLACE TO LIVE? Visit michigandally.com/classifteds to see all of the great houses and apartments Ann Arbor has to offer on a convenient map! Also be sure to check out the Classified Pages for other great properties. The Antlers enjoy long walks on the beach, symmetry and looking bored. , t a