The Michigan Daily - michigandaily.com
Tuesday, January 20, 2009 -5A
Bad in all dimensions
Unnecessary remake isn't
rescued by its archaic
visual gimmick
By BRANDON CONRADIS
Senior Arts Editor
"My Bloody Valentine 3D" is a rip-off in more
than one way. Not only is it a
horribly plotted, generic and
exploitative piece of shit, it
demonstrates Hollywood's My Blo
complete lack of originality
by both remaking an obscure Valetine 3D
1981 slasher movie and resort- At Showcase
ing to the age-old and long- and Quality16
defunct ploy of 3D to boot.
And another thing: It actually Lionsgale
has the audacity to hold out
its palm and ask for more money in return.
At Quality 16, there was an extra fee of $2 to
compensate for this "state of the art" 3-D expe-
rience (the fee varies depending on the theater).
Even in a time of prosperity, charging an extra
fee for a slasher film would be a laughable idea.
But to charge extra when the economy is as bad
as it is now - especially for a film as crappy as
this - is downright criminal.
As with most slasher movies, the plot is
simple. Jensen Ackles (TV's "Supernatural")
plays Tom, the son of a deceased mine owner
who returns to his hometown to sell his father's
business. He's still in love with his old flame,
played by Jaime King ("Sin City"). The thing
is, she's married to his old friend Axel (Kerr
Smith, "Final Destination"), who has somehow
managed to become sheriff even though he
looks like he's fresh out of college and wouldn't
know the difference between a handgun and
a blow-dryer. Meanwhile, there's a killer run-
ning around, dismembering innocent bystand-
ers with a pickax and sending their dislodged
hearts to the police in candy boxes.
To be fair, "MBV 3D" is entertaining for
its first third. But it's still the kind of trashy
movie that is completely devoid of any sense
of good taste or subtlety. Perhaps this is most
evident in the scene where one unlucky lass,
completely naked expect for a pair of stiletto
heels, runs around a motel screaming her head
off as the masked maniac closes in on her. It's
beyond ridiculous, but it's also humorous and,
"Hot damn! Driving in 3D is almost as crazy as driving or
yes, entertaining.
Unfortunately, as the film progresses it suf-
fers the same fate as a lot of drawn-out slash-
er films: It becomes boring. Honestly, once
you've seen one masked maniac chopping up
brainless victims, you've seen them all. "MBV
3D" doesn't just adhere to the formula - it
inadvertently spoofs it. It's perhaps the most
insipid, pandering and generic slasher movie
imaginable.
Clearly, a filmgoer has to have a sense of
humor when it comes to slasher movies. But at
this point, when the sub-genre has been virtu-
ally hacked to death by every country in every
setting imaginable, the filmmakers have to
have a sense of humor as well. 2006's "Hatch-
et" was a good example of a slasher movie that
could be scary, fun and smart. "MBV 3D," on
the other hand, takes itself painfully serious-
n acid!"
ly, never realizing how stupid it really is. The
film just doesn't grasp what makes the genre
work. There's no tension, no atmosphere and
no originality whatsoever. It relies solely on
splashy gore effects and sleazy elements to
keep the audierice awake. It's lazy, offensive
filmmaking.
With all that said, what about the 3D? After
all, that's the gimmick that will presumably
draw the crowds, right? Unfortunately, the
entire film is in 3D, meaning it feels like you're
looking at a hologram for two hours, and the
occasional flying pickax or geyser of blood
aside, the effects just aren't that impressive. In
fact, they're distracting rather than thrilling.
"My Bloody Valentine 3D" could very well be
the epitome of Hollywood laziness. Then again,
maybe that's giving more credit than what this
frankly inconsequential film really deserves.
The silver
screen s most
ofensive ilms
really don't like to throw the player simultaneously broke after
word "offensive" around. I've watching this awful gay-joke of
always assumed that it's used a movie. Serves her right. It's a
only by crit- mockery of gay rights for the sake
.ics who don't of an implausible scenario. We're
understand the , still laughing at two men kissing?
intent of other It's especially uncool after the
people's work. a' passage of California's Proposi-
But sometimes, tion 8.
some things "Rambo: First Blood Part "
are undeniably Offensive To: Liberals
offensive. BLAKE John Rambo goes to Vietnam in
Over winter GOBLE 1985 to kill a shit ton of Vietnamese
break, audiences and Russians? That's called a con-
spent $165 million to see one of servative wet dream.
the most insulting films of the "The Day The Earth Stood Still"
last decade. It was a manipula- Offensive To: Conservatives
tive, unintelligible wreck about The left does have its share of
a dull couple who happened to insulting propaganda, but "The
own a wacky dog. Yep, "Marley & Day" happens to be the most puer-
Me," offended me. Think of it like ile. When Keanu Reeves tells the
this: The film is supposed to be human race that we've treated the
about life lessons learned from a Earth so badly that he must destroy
pooch, but it was poorly conceived it, we get it. Even Al Gore wasn't
beyond belief. Sure, it was cute, this rigid.
but what did anyone get from it? "Audition"
Hem and haw all you want, but Offensive To: Good taste
folks who saw the movie know Violence can be a powerful
that the scene involving dogs cinematic device ("Bonnie and
being unleashed at the beach to Clyde," "Hostel"). But when a young
the tune of The Verve's "Lucky woman graphically saws off a man's
Man" was just awful. Insulting leg with a wire - gag - the only
to good ideas, good taste and all question to ask hereiswhy? Why!?
around cinematic competency,
the flick was just kinda, totally ...
offensive.
Now, offensive may seem a lit- Insulting the
tle harsh, but it makes sense. Any s n .l .
film that's deliberately insulting sensibi les
to the intelligence of film-going o bod
audiences ought to be considered of every d y
offensive. Yes, it can still be a
good film (see: "In the.Company everywhere.
of Men"). But what films are truly
offensive? I've been thinking
about this as objectively as pos-
sible. And I'm not talking about "Knocked Up"
blue talk, bare bodies, bloodlet- Offensive To: Feminism
ting or the debatable classics like Katherine Heigl gives up her
"Triumph of the Will" or "Broken fast-track career, her dream of
Blossoms." I'm talking about films meetinga decent guy and all of her
that deliberately ridicule their hopes and aspirations to rectify
audiences . - a horriblylif-alteringclne-night-~
Different things are offensive stand? Oh, and this sucked as a date
to different people, but here are a movie.
few films that, anyway you slice "The Other Sister"
them, offend: Offensive To: The mentally chal-
"Songofthe South" lenged
Offensive To: African-Americans When Robert Downey Jr.
Remember that episode of"The explained in "Tropic Thunder" that
Simpsons" where someone explains you "never go full retard" in a film,
the "evil gene" and how only Walt he was onto something. Mental
Disney and Adolph Hitler had it? retardation as a gimmick? See this
Well here's the proof for Disney, the film - or better, don't - and you'll
film's producer. "Song of the South" get it. It's self-explanatory.
is incredibly insensitive, was pick- "VanWilder"
eted by the NAACP for good rea- Offensive To: Education
son and has inspired a lifetime of Gratuitous flesh, bad Indian
deserved ridicule for Uncle Remus's accents, bulldogsemen consump-
rendition of "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Da." tion and enough laxatives to almost
It'll make you cringe a helluva lot kill a dude: Yup, "Van Wilder"
more than "The Jazz Singer.", really is the voice of a post "Animal
"I Now Pronounce You Chuck & House" college generation isn't it?
Larry"
Offensive To: The LGBT com- Blake is also offended by
munity e-mails. Be polite if you e-mail
My sister said her TV and DVD him at bgoblue@umich.edu.
Bird flies to his ,usual ig
By JOSH BAYER
Daily Music Editor
Eight albums into a colorfully
protean career, Andrew Bird has
yet to release a
stinker, or even a
moderately bad-
smelling album. ew Bird
Noble Beast is no
exception. But Noble Beast
despite sporting a Fat Possum
brawny lineup of
consistently high-
quality tracks, something about
Beast feels a tad watered-down.
Maybe it's the gnawing sense that,
for the first time, Bird is primar-
ily taking stock of the sonic terri-
tory he has staked out on previous
albums instead of plowing forth into
uncharted terrain.
This isn't to say that all of Noble
Beast is self-derivative (and even
when it is, it's mostly salvaged by
Bird's keen ear for melody and
impressively ornate strong struc-
tures). But Bird is at his whimsical
bestwhenhe's spreadinghis wings.
"Anonanimal" starts out frigidly
beautiful, with arpeggiated violin
plucks and achy strings evocative
of a yawning ice cavern before it
spikes o
play of
proggyg
prickles
Bird ha
Instrum
sleepwa
ber ofz
violin lo
captivat
Much
tation co
eclectic
"Not aR
along on
clinking
and what
of seashe
U
But
"Master
brittle to
claps an'
On hi
Bird co:
truly live
ff into a hard-edged inter- erecting sprawling sonic mausole-
frenetic drumming and ums which invite the listener to get
guitar searing. The track lost. This exploratory quality gives
with a gritty intensity that the album's avant-garde songs a
s never explored before. high replay value, especially when
rental "Unfolding Fans" coupled with the swooping flux of
lks through a hazy cham- Bird's shapeshifting croon.
zipper noises and trilled The drawback is that a hand-
tops that shimmer with a ful of Beast's relatively standard-
ing otherness. issue cuts come off as a bit vanilla
of the album's experimen- in comparison with its more
smes in its inventive use of adventurous moments. "Effigy,"
kitchen-sink percussion. while possessing a tenderly wist-
obot, But a Ghost" scuttles ful refrain about "fake conversa-
a rhythmic spiderweb of tions on a nonexistent telephone"
silverware, treated static feels like a mere blueprint of the
t sounds like the shuffling more compelling barnyard bal-
ells. Labyrinthine standout ladry on The Swimming Hour.
"Natural Disaster," though plenty
pretty, sounds like it could have
been an outtake from any of Bird's
noriginal. last three albums, lending it an
.ua i expendable air. While these more
substantial. predictable tracks are anything
but bad, they do little to justify
Beast's plump 54-minute length.
This is especially true with the
swarm" clinks eerily on a gratuitously epic "Souverian," a
exture of castanets, hand- sleepy-eyed exercise in earnestness
d washboard scrubbing. that wanders adrift for seven min-
s more left-leaning tracks, utes without ever climaxing.- The
nstructs baroque pop that track is unfortunately placed at the
es up to the word baroque, end of the album, dragging it to a
close with an unbecoming sputter.
Moreover, the straight-laced som-
berness on "Souverian" represents
an underlying trend of "adult" seri-
ousness that permeates Beast, for
better and for worse.
Still, amid such a hearty song-
cycle, these are considerably minor
gripes. And while'Bird's trademark
feather-hearted quirkiness is in
shorter supply here than usual, the
album's more upbeat offerings still
sparkle with contagious optimism.
"Fitz & Dizzyspells" rollicks forth at
a stomp-along tempo, sandwiching
a free-fluttering violin solo between
relentlessly hooky verses. The hook-
factor is equally high on downy lead
single "Oh No." And Bird's book-
ish preference for literate, image-
conjuring lyrics rife with five-dollar
words is just as vividly wacky as
ever, as he warbles about everything
from "flailing fetal fleas" to chinless
men scratching theirbeards.
To call Noble Beast a disappoint-
mentcwould be way offthe mark;it's
chock-full of juicy substance. But in
a portfolio as strong and innovative
as Bird's, the album feels somewhat
minor. Regardless, it will definitely
give Birdwatchers a lot to sink their
talons into.
FILM REVIEW
Turning the banal into the brilliant
IOM0013119
By HANS YADAV
Daily Arts Writer
There is nothing more tragic or frightening
than not understanding your
purpose or place in the world.
Life moves fast - if you can't
stay above the hustle, the Last Chance
changes and even the fail-
ures, you end up alienated and Have
detached like Harvey Shine. At Showcase
"Last Chance Harvey" and Qualityl6
follows Shine (Dustin Hoff- Oerture
man, "Meet the Fockers") as
he drifts through his life like
a ghost. Lonely after a failed marriage, discon-
nected from his daughter and trodden upon by
the changing pace of his job, Shine accepts every
inadequacy in his life.
Enter Kate Walker (Emma Thompson,
"Stranger Than Fiction"), a kindred spirit who is
equally unhappy with her life. Her job at the air-
port - handing out post-flight surveys - prompts
constant rejection from fliers. She is single, and
her mother (who is equally lonely) refuses to
leave her alone. So it's only fitting for Harvey and
Kate to find each other in an airport and discover
mutual understanding in the process.
What sets this movie apart from similar films
about loneliness and soulmate-finding is its poi-
gnant subtleties. Take, for instance, the moment
when Harvey sees his daughter at her wed-
ding. They come together, embrace and then ...
nothing. There is a pause between them as they
search for words. The moment is only a few
short seconds, but the precious silence reveals
everything. The growing gap in their relation-
ship is undeniable. A father should have more
than enough things to say to a daughter who is
about to be married. And yet Harvey can't man-
age to say a sentence before awkward paralysis
sets in. Similar moments are scattered through-
out the movie and add a such a deft touch that
the movie survives without many extravagances
or convoluted plot twists.
of course, the subtleties wouldn't work
without superb acting from both Hoffman and
Thompson. The two add uncanny depth and life
to their characters. With his distant expressions
and beaten demeanor, Hoffman perfectly encap-
sulates a man whose life has no joy. Thompson is
a woman so accustomed to the disappointments
and banality of her life that she flees from any-
one and anything that will yank her out of her
unusual "comfort" zone. Her smiles are simple
and perfunctory, but closer attention reveals the
true sadness behind them.
But everything changes when Harvey and
Kate getctogether. Their silences melt into laugh-
ter and the two characters finally reveal a side of
themselves they have kept bottled up for years.
Love (and pain) know no boundaries, and the
two end up being perfectly quirky together.
Still, the movie does have a few out-of-place
scenes at the end. They are products of Holly-
wood's uncanny ability to ruin movies by adding
over-the-top, useless dramatic scenes to milk
even more emotion out of the audience. Luckily,
'Harvey' is full of
poignant subtleties.
these scenes manage to survive because of Hoff-
man's and Thompson's stellar performances.
"Harvey" is truly a great film because of its
characters. They are real people with real prob-
lems who are seemingly trapped in their own
lives. The movie is inspirational because pain,
misery, and desolation are all part of the experi-
ence that is life. But no matter howomany failures
or how many heartaches one may suffer, there is
always at least one more chance for redemption.
Af
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