The Michigan Daily
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Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Personal Statement
The night I can't remember ByMelanie acEach rn
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icture this: you're a 17-year- into my college life, my naivety had
old girl from Arizona thrown become but a jaded outer shell of my
into campus life at the Uni- molten, burning interior.
versity of Michigan. At first, there It would be difficult enough had
is the inevitable struggle of meeting I simply been raped and knew it.
people and making friends. You're But I didn't know. The roofie coin
impressed by almost anyone you had been flipped, and not knowing
meet and jump at the chance to hang whether the outcome was heads or
outwith someone new - even when tails wracked my ability to cope. I
it means forcing your mother's crit- turned to every potential distrac-
icism to the back of your mind. You tion: drinking, smoking, drugs of
know exactly what she would say: every variety and even the hot pur-
"You don't know what these people suit of sex that I hoped could cool
are capable of. What exactly are you the anger and distress.
intending to gain from any experi- Nothing helped. I tried to sup-
ence with them? You don't know press the memory of waking up
anything about them." But you toss in a strange bathroom, jimmying
off that inner voice and skip into the the window to escape and walk-
night looking for fun free of a cur- ing across town back to my all-girls
few and your parents' scrutinizing dorm. I couldn't remember any-
eyes. thing that had occurred on that
That voice, which I so easily fateful night after running into
ignored at the beginning of college, someone who I vaguely knew on
now taunts me on a regular basis. the street and going with my new
I can hear it all the time - yelling, friend to a bar. Only the lingering
judging and criticizing. As an ado- feeling of something horrible and
lescent, I'd heard my mothertalking the edge of expectation was left to
about other girls my age, ones who fuel my emotional distress.
had been raped or assaulted, with a I found myself trying to blame
disdainful tone. To her, these inci- Ann Arbor, the University and my
dents were always the girl's fault so-called "friends" for everything.
- her stupidity and her inability to I wanted to transfer somewhere
make proper decisions. else where I wasn't just a student
of course, my mother's world- number or a unigname. I longed to
view impacted mine. My first incli- replace the carefree acquaintances
nation after hearing about a sexual I had collected with new friends
assault was to make hasty assump- and professors, intellectuals who
tions. What did she do wrong? How would shield me from my emotions
did she bring this upon herself? This and guide me into a world of logic
remained my perspective, unques- and reason.
tioned and unchallenged, until an This internal campaign came
experience changed it entirely. One to a head during this past winter
single night gouged my frame of break when I told my parents that
self-reference - just three weeks I wanted to move to Seattle. As I
U.S. NEWS AND REPORT that beat Michigan in the U.S. News
From Page 4B rankings.
Still, some statistics do not bode
Five percent accounts for gradu- well for the University's rank. Mich-
ation rate performance, which the igan had astudent-facultyratio of 15
publication calculates by finding the tot1 last year, while Princeton boast-
difference between the year's grad- ed a 5 to 1 ratio and the Massachu-
uation rate and the rate U.S. News setts Institute of Technology had a 6
had predicted for that class. The to 1 ratio, according to a North Caro-
final 5 percent considers the rate of lina State University website devot-
alumni donations. ed to following higher education.
Not surprisingly, Michigan Michigan also ranks outside the top
boasts statistics justifiable for its 30 institutions concerning alumni
not-too-shabby rank: according to donations with a rate of 18 percent.
collegeresults.org, the University Princeton, Yale, Harvard and other
had a graduation rate of 86.9 per- institutions ranked higher by U.S.
cent in 2006, below only that of News claim alumni donation rates
UCLA and UC-Berkley, institutions as high as 60 percent.
danced around the subject, try-
ing to express my distaste for Ann
Arbor and feed them the excuses
I'd spent so long convincing myself
were legitimate, I came closer and
closer to the confession I had resist-
ed for almost a year and a half.
Finally, in what was supposed to
be a happy, warm mother-daugh-
ter bonding day, I couldn't resist
any longer. Sitting in my mother's
Toyota, we argued back and forth:
why I hated Ann Arbor, what that,
did and didn't have to do with my
The worst part
about being
roofied is not
knowing
for sure.
educational experience, how I was
drowning in a gigantic student
population and could do nothing to
battle the bureaucracy. "This is just
real life," she said. I broke down.
"Reallife?" I said. "I'll tell you about
real life, mother. I was raped."
I felt the wave of anger sub-
side as I paused, awaiting her
response. Would she fulfill my pre-
vious expectations? Would she yell?
Curse? Attempt to break down my
psyche for my mistakes? Group me
in with the other "stupid" or "pro-
miscuous" girls that I had heard
FORBES MAGAZINE
From Page 4B
Although the University mighi
not boast the most Nobel Prize
winners, how it could fall below
schools like Furman University
and Maryville College is befud-
dling. As already mentioned
Michigan boasts an impressive
graduation rate, and the num-
ber of former Wolverines in the
Obama administration should
help in the "Who's Who" depart-
ment.
Why, then, such a deplorable
rank? According to the Forbes
website, small liberal arts school:
her criticize so often before? But it
didn't matter anymore. I had said
what I needed to express, not only
to her but to myself
A mother's protective nature
always pulls through. She sat in
silence, tears rolling down her
made-up face. All she said was,
"Why didn't you tell me?" in heart-
wrenchingconfusion, over and over
again. Then she wanted to know
how, where, why. She partook in my
own epic disbelief. She wasn't judg-
mental; she simply had no frame
of reference for what I was going
through. I'd finally broken the
thick, critical exterior and brought
to her something to identify with, if
only just barely.
Apparently, that was all that
I needed. I needed to explain to
my mother, someone who I know
would unconditionally love and
care for me, even if she would never
be able to comprehend the magni-
tude of my situation. Since then, I
have been able to re-think the past
year and a half of my college experi-
ence. Sometimes, all one needs is to
cry in her mother's arms.
As my perspective changed, hers
did as well. Lately,she's beenhound-
ing me about getting back on birth
control in an attempt to protect us
both from something that she has
always denied: my sexual activity.
She has opened her mind once again
to the trials and tribulations of a girl
my age, a college student living and
learning on her own.
I'm not trying to encourage all
girls in my situation to speak out,
stand up and preach their troubles
on some sort of soapbox. It certain-
rank higher "due to their quality
of faculty and the personal atten-
tion they can provide." As Forbes
t bluntly puts it: "generally speak-
ing, big state schools performed
poorly." The University of Texas
and the University of Wiscon-
-sin, which usually hover around
Michigan in the U.S. News rank-
ings, were ranked at 215th and
- 335th, respectively.
Simply put, Michigan, with
I an undergraduate community of
- more than 25,000, gets the short-
er end of Forbes's stick against
schools like 12th-ranked Wabash
s ("a tiny, all-male school") with a
s freshman class of 250 students.
ly took me a long time to even com-
prehend what had happened to me.
What I want is to encourage women
on campus to have integrity, under-
standing and the capability for rea-
son that my mother didn't have and
that plenty of other women certain-
ly don't have. This isn't something
that occurs because of throw-
ing yourself at someone and then
recoiling after experiencing the
emotional results. This isn't *ome-
thing that happens after a night of
drunk partying and unintentional
seduction. This is something that
just happens, without a single cause
and certainly no solution.
Compassion is absolutely neces-
sary, and when I overhear people on
campus talking about "some slut,"
I feel sick. I may very well.be that
"slut," that "whore," that wicked
"she-demon" flaunting her past to
gain some sympathy. But I would
hate to see those girls who pass
judgment on other women have
their opinions changed as painfully
as mine were.
My one piece of advice for girls
facing what I have: tell your mother.
Just tell her. Regardless of how you
think that she will react, don't har-
bor that pain inside any longer than
you have to. Tell her without expec-
tations built up in defense. Regard-
less of her reaction to your story,
you need to let it out to the woman
who understands you the most. Her
reaction may surprise you - and
trust me, it feels so much better
after crying on that shoulder.
- Melanie MacEachern
is an LSA sophomore.
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IN THE- EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
WHY THE UNIVERSITY IS PRAISED BY SOME COLLEGE
RANKINGS AND DISPARAGED BY OTHERS 4B