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An improbable bar crawl

Happy Hour at Whole Foods. Daiquiris at Quickie Burger.
How to make use of Ann Arbor's unlikely liquor licenses
By Roger Sauerhaft

After a busy day last week, I felt
like rewarding myself. I changed
into a button down shirt, put on
my favorite sweater, brushed my
teeth and splashed on a little extra
cologne. Then I met up with my
friend David and headed out for
guy's night out. Our destination:
Whole Foods Market.
It's little known that Whole
Foods on Eisenhower Parkway has
a by-the-drink liquor license, mean-
ing that the upscale grocery store
could operate a down-and-dirty
bar scene if it so chooses. Instead
of playing it safe and going to the
Heidelberg for Wednesday night
karaoke, my friend and I looked up
the list of local liquor licenses and
tried to catch a buzz at some of the
least likely watering holes in town.
Like any girl-chasing college
guy, my first thought when getting
a drink is what the female compa-
ny might be like. So upon entering
Whole Foods and being welcomed
by a perky female employee, I got
ready to spit my best game.
But in an upsetting turn of
events, the bar near the wine sec-
tion was completely abandoned
- we wouldn't be able to pick up
anything other than groceries at
this particular establishment.
"It's usually an older crowd look-
ingtotrynewwines,"saidbartende'r
Mike Byram, who handles an inven-
tory of over 1,000 types of wine. "A
lot of younger students come here
too who are interested in learning
about varieties of wine."
Byram said that while pickup
attempts or obviously drunk cus-
tomers at his bar aren't common,
he has witnessed both awkward
situations since the store opened
Sept. 24.
"One guy picked up a cheese
knife and said he'd pull an O.J.
(Simpson) on me," Byram said.
"Then he started thrusting the knife
at me - that's about the drunkest
I've ever seen here."
Toying with the chance to one-
up the Simpson protegee, I asked
if I could order a vodka cranberry
to start off. No dice, Byram said.
Due to the lack of regulation in the
liquor industry, Whole Foods can-
not determine what brands are up
to their ingredient standards and

therefore is liquor-free.
Fair enough. David and I ordered
pint-sized draughts of Bell's Best
Brown ale and Detroit Dwarf lager,
respectively. This time we were
served, as Whole Foods carries
nearly 200 varieties of beer, many
of which are from Michigan. With
our Whole Foods-standard brew
and open tabs, the night's festivities
had officially begun.
Byram (whose official title at the
store is Cheese Keeper) treated us
to a few delicious cheese samples
and chocolate truffles, which only
piqued our appetites and encour-
aged us to take our drinks on a
stroll around the store in search
of dinner. I settled on two spicy
salmon rolls from the sushi bar
and David picked up a grilled Por-
tobello mushroom concoction. Not
too shabby for bar food.
For those of you like me who get
separation anxiety leaving your
beer unattended, take solace in the
fact that Whole Foods understands.
I was free to roam the aisles while
savoringmy cold glass of beer.
"This totally changes the idea of
shopping in my mind," said David,
a 2007 University graduate. "I've
always viewed it as such a chore.
Now I can take my leisurely time
eating dinner and drinking a beer."

I could not agree more. Mom, if
you are reading this, I might just be
willing to go grocery shopping with
you if we can go to Whole Foods.
While perusing the aisles, I spot-
ted a girl from my history class.
Determined to be able to tell my
friends that I'd been so bold as to
buy a drink for a woman at Whole
Foods, I suavely asked LSA sopho-
more Annabelle Harless to come
have a drink with me.
Turns out, she was underage and
out with her twin sister and her
mom celebrating her birthday. She
introduced me to her family and
after chatting for a minute, I invited
her mom to try some wine after they
were done shopping.
Harless's mom, Deborah from
nearby Fowlerville, accepted my
offer and the whole family came
along. It was definitely a pleasant
surprise to hear that she found the
white wine better thanhouse whites
at mostrestaurants, and she said she
and her husband might make a date
of their next grocery trip.
Last call came just after 9:30
p.m., which kept me from reaching
the point when people sometimes
pull out cheese knives and imitate
O.J. Simpson. Looking for a place
with a better male-to-female ratio
to continue the night, we saw that

TALKING
POINTS
Three things you can talk about this week:
1. The new Internet
2. $100 billion in education aid
3. Bristol Palin's views on abstinence
And three things you can't:
1. The Commerce Secretary post
2. Octo-mom
3. A-Rod's mystery injections

QUOTES OF THE WEEK
4"The house shook, the "We've documented many
windows shook, the abuses by FDLR forces, but
ground shook. It was a these are killings of ghastly
real blast. " proportions."
- DAVE LUCE, a man from Buffalo, New York, - ANNEKE VAN WOUDENBERG, a researcher
on the Continental Airlines plane that crashed for Human Rights Watch, on violence perpetrated
into a neighboring house in a Buffalo suburb by the Democratic Forces for the Liberation of
last Thursday, killing all 50 people aboard. Rwanda against local villagers accused of betrayal.
Investigators are still analyzing cockpit voice The FDLR is a Rwandan militia group responsible
and data recorders to determine the cause. for the 1994 genocide in Rwanda.
"Things have changed. Now, I'm able to fulfill my wife."
- ANGEL POSADAS SANDOVAL, a 74-year-old man from Mexico City, discussing the city govern-
ment's new social program to distribute Viagra to impoverished men aged 60 and older. With mayoral
elections in July, the Mexico City mayor started the program to make life more enjoyable for citizens.

You'll never want to grocery shop without a cold glass of beer again.

the Ann Arbor Women's City Club.
on Washtenaw Avenue was on the
city's liquor license list and decided
to check it out.
But sadly, we learned we couldn't
drink there unless we were mem-
bers. Frustrated and dejected, we
saw that Quickie Burger had been
granted a liquor license Dec. 17, so
off we headed to the corner of State
and Hill to finish the night in style.
Unlike the scenic walk from the
sliding glass doors to the shiny new
bar at Whole Foods, Quickie Burg-
er's bar was just one quick stride
from the door. The cheery owner,
Varujan Arman, placed a Bud Light
draught in my hand a couple min-
utes later before I headed down-
stairs to watch the Duke vs. North
Carolina basketball game on the big
screen TV in the basement.
I thought I might be forgotten
downstairs if I needed another
drink, but the wait staff kept a good
eye on everything, regularly com-
ing down and asking if customers
needed anything.

Arman, a 2006 University alum,
clearly knows how to apply the
knowledge he picked up while
earning a psychology degree to his
business plan.
"Summertime, you grab a burger
and have a beer, what's better than
that?" Arman said. "Beer and burg-
er, it's a natural fit."
It seems alot of customers are on
the same page. Every few minutes
the door would swing open and the
later it got, the more partygoers
trudged in to take advantage of the
2:30 a.m. closing time during the
week. (Quickie Burger closes at 4
a.m. Thursday through Saturday.)
There are twelve beers on tap,
ranging from Blue Moon and Stella
Artois to Bud Light and Pabst Blue
Ribbon.
The burger definitely hit the
spot for me. So did the Jager-bomb
dispensed by a special machine. I
could have also chosen to go with a
rum and Coke, strawberry daiquiri
or a Longisland iced tea. There was
also the blue lemonade, Quickie
Burger's equivalent to the shark
bowl at Rick's.
"I would drink it anytime, to be
honest,"Arman said ofthe blue lem-
onade. "It's one of those drinks that
tastes like candy. You can't taste the
alcohol, then you drink like four..."
You get the point.
After an exhausting night of vis-
iting everyday places and violating
social norms, I had learned, ate and
drank a lot. I had also been laughed
at or yelled at for calling businesses
with liquor licenses to ask if I could
come in for a drink.
My favorite response came from
Champion's Party Store on South
Forest Avenue. Because they sell
beer and have a laundromat at
the back of the store, I asked if I
could purchase alcohol and drink
it while I did laundry. The cashier,
angry and dumbstruck, denied my
request. Perhaps. you can find a
better way to ask, and if you do, let
me know.

YOUTUBE
VIDEO OF
THE WEEK
Math problems
At one point or another, we've
probably all had frustrating experi-
ences talking with customer service
representatives. Most times, though,
the disagreements aren't about basic
math calculations.
tn this video, which will undoubt-
edly make engineers cringe, a man is
on the phone with an employee from
Verizon Wireless, trying to sort out
how much he should be charged for
some "kilobyte usage that was done
in Canada." An image on the screen
says,0.002 dollarsequals 0.002 cents,
and below each amount is a picture
of the respective currency. You prob-
ably know where this is going.
"Doyou realizethere's adifference
between those two numbers," the
customer sardonically asks. A silence
ensues, and the employee responds,
"Uhh, no." The quibbling continues,
with the employee maintaining that
his math is correct. After the cus-
tomer insists that 0.002 dollars and
0.002 cents are completely different
figures, the employee transfers him
to another representative.
The manager, Andrea, picks up the
phone, and the debate continues. The
customer tries to give the manager a
lesson in math, but she still doesn't
get it. "I don't know. I'm not a math-
ematician," she says. "It's obviously a
difference in opinion."
-BRIAN TENGEL
See this and other
YouTube videos of the week at
youtube.com/user/michigandaily
$0.002 = 0.0024

BY THE NUMBERS
Total length, in feet, of Lee Redmond's fingernails, until they were
broken in a car accident last week
Length, in inches, of the longest nail, which was on her right thumb
Number of years since Redmond cut her nails. She is featured in the
Guinness Book of World Records
Source: MSNBC

THEME PARTY SUGGESTION
Spring break bust - So you totally balked on
spring break plans and now it's too late. Your
dreams of a lewd weeklong bash in Cancun are
crushed. You'll probably end up at home, watch-
ing "Oprah" with your mom. She'll think you're sick
when you sleep past 3 p.m. every day, but you won't
bother to correct her. Instead, you'll pass out in front
of the TV every night with Cheetos in your mouth.
After midterms, that might be just what you need.
Throwing this party? Let us know. TheStatement@umich.edu
STUDY OF THE WEEK
Men who smoke cannabis more likely to get cancer
Men who smoke cannabis on a regular basis significantly increase
their risk of testicular cancer, according to a study recently published
in the journal Cancer by researchers at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer
Research Center in Seattle, Wash.
In the study, the researchers questioned 369 men with testicular can-
cer about their past cannabis use. Then, they compared their findings
with responses from 979 men who did not have cancer.
The researchers concluded that men who smoke cannabis regularly
increase their risk of testicular cancer by 70 percent, regardless of their
family history, alcohol use and cigarette habits. The risk is most acute for
those who smoke cannabis at least once a week or who started smoking
during adolescence. These men are twice as likely to contract testicular
cancer than those who have never smoked, the study found.
The form of testicular cancer that can result from smoking cannabis
is nonseminoma, which is intense and usually afflicts younger men.
- BRIAN TENGEL