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Persona

The double life of depression

e Coast(

ental illness is the awk-
ward cousin in the fam-
ily of illness. It's tough to
discuss, tough to understand and
tougher to admit to dealing with.
Perhaps it's difficult to explain
what's going on in your own head to
someone else, even in a perfect set-
ting of mutual respect and willing-
ness to listen. For me, mental illness
is a constant companion that refuses"
to leave. It's a houseguest I didn't
invite, the last kid at the party, the
drunk guy who threw up on my
front lawn and won't stop yelling
at my roommate. Most people don't
know I'm sick, and I typically like it
that way. But it's time that someone
talked about mental illness - the
experience, not the theory. I'm not
"crazy" or "disordered," but I do
have a disease, and like any other, it
takes its toll.
I was diagnosed with depression
and anxiety when Iwas 16, but I had
been dealing with the effects for
much longer. Maybe it first showed
in elementary school, when I con-
vinced myself that my father was
trying to kill me in my sleep, or the
times when I sat on the front porch
of my house, waiting for the police
to arrive to tell me that my mother
had died in a car accident.

Before I had panic attacks dur-
ing every test I took in high school,
I was so estranged from everyone
around me that my preschool teach-
er wrote on my progress report that
she was worried about how lonely
I was. I was three. I always think
that a new stage of life will mean an
end to my depression - graduating
from grade school, having friends in
high school, gettingto college. But it
doesn't, and I don't think anything
ever will.
I'll try and put it into terms that
might make more sense. Imagine
that your everyday personality and
behavior is a person. I'll call him
Sam. Sam keeps up with home-
work and e-mails professors and
GSIs. Sam fills out forms, pays rent
on time, writes articles and applies
for internships. Sam can visit with
friends, meet new people and be
interesting and enjoyable. Sam is a
good guy, friendly and well-liked.
Sam can get things done, enjoy life
and survive the day.
Let's call depression Steve. Steve
doesn't want to get out of bed. Steve
is angry and mean and filled with
self-doubt. Steve doesn't see how
anyone could like him or want to
be around him, because he is com-
pletely undeserving of anything but

conteml
yet hurt
unbeara
his job2
kill him
up theE
off from
Li
ar
e
m
can't qu
himself
Steve is
bly lone
The
and de
neous.
parties,
homew
having,
I scare
I have t
depress
to com
school,

pt. Steve feels nothing and true attempts to end my life. I just
s all the time, and the pain is wanted someone to know how badly
ble. Steve hates his family, I felt and how much I needed help.
and himself. Steve wants to The most difficult things I have ever
self, but is too numb to get done was to tell my mother -that I
effort to try. Steve feels cut tried to slit my wrists and then sit
the rest of humanity, and in a hospital psychologist's office
with my parents, look my father in
the eyes, and tell him that I wanted
iving with all to die.
The worst part is knowing that I
nbiguous but can'tescape it. I'm afraid to try anti-
depressants because of the "black
hVer-present box" warning that indicates an
increased risk for suicidal tenden-
iental illness cies (apparently, the drugs work so
well that the increased energy and
motivation can cause some to finally
kill themselves when they might
ite bridge the gap between have felt too numb to do so previ-
and everyone around him. ously). I've been to numerous thera-
completely alone and terri- pists: the first one told me I needed
ly. to learn to "like myself," the second
switch between normalcy seemed to want me to cry during
pression can be instanta- every session. I don't think I'll go
Depression shows up at back into counseling.
in class or while I'm doing . So I try and find ways to fix my
ork in the library. I start problems myself - keeping myself
thoughts so disturbing that busy keeps the pain away for a little
even myself. Then I know while. I try and avoid being alone
to leave or else the wave of without something to do, or I'll make
ion might crush me. I tried sure thatIhave someone around that
mit suicide twice in high I can trust. I have a great friend who
but I don't regard those as I used to live with and whom I call

when I feel overwhelmed. She deals
with the same issues and knows
that I just need someone around
me for a little while until I can take
over again. I've learned the warn-
ing signs that tell me when to leave
a situation, like if I'm feeling lonely.
I know I don't have the capability
to handle that feeling rationally. I
listen to music all the time, just to
feel less isolated. I avoid situations
that trigger certain emotions. I can't
express anger, and swallowing my
feelings is unbelievably painful and
causes days of internal chaos. So I
avoid confrontation and people who
like to argue.
It's an uphill battle to try and live
with mental illness. I watch other
people constantly, trying to fig-
ure out how they can be happy and
capable of interacting with others
on a normal basis. I want to leave
depression behind as a stage of my
life that I passed through, like acne
or stuttering. But I set goals for
myself. When I was fifteen, I swore
that I was going to live to be eigh-
teen. WhenI was 18, Ipromised that
I wouldn't end my own life before I
was 2L Now I'm trying to make it to
be 25. It's the little things that help.
-Jane Coaston is an LSA senior

ROTC
From Page 5B

stuff, and (ROTC) is for some people shipmen say there's a clear divide
and not for others." between their peers and the mili-
- Still, many cadets and mid- tary here on campus. Despite being
one of the largest ROTC programs
in the country, and having their
own centrally located building, the
h a v e ROTC programs are one of the least
recognized student groups.
"I don't think that people have
muchmind aboutit at all," Racklyeft
said. "Out of sight, out of mind."
Many say the ROTC's lack of
visibility is an internal issue. Hall,
C Swho has visited ROTC programs at
schools like Notre Dame and Ohio
State, said the Naval ROTC program
is more insulated here than on other
campuses. At Tulane, for instance,
Hall said the ROTC's level of recog-
nition was on par with University of
Michigan groups like Dance Mara-
t dthon and the University Marching
Band.
"We haven't gotten out and done
ation Session much to show that, 'Hey, we are
esday, October 8th around, and we do do things for this
campus,"'he said.
* *. One way Hall and Racklyeft hope
ational Center, Room 9 to increase the ROTC's visibility on
4.8580 I www.peacecorps.gov campus is the upcoming 233-mile

run planned for early November to Yet most cadets and midshipmen
celebrate the Navy's 233rd birth- added that the thanks doesn't often
day. Members of Naval ROTC pro- come from students.
gram will take turns running a "Most of them, they're older
course they've designed that winds people," Karek said. "A lot of the
throughout campus. Completing all time they're people who have family
233 miles, Racklyeft said, will take serving, or veterans themselves will
about three-and-a-half days. say something."
"I think that's going to be an Perhaps this -'disconnect with
enormous thing for publicity," she their own generation further con-
said. "You know, maybe people will firms for ROTC students what kind
see us better... well, obviously they of military they will be joining after
will, we'll be running in circles for graduation: the few sacrificing for
three days!" the freedoms, beliefs and lifestyles
Still, among students at large, enjoyed by everyone else. After all,
there doesn't appear to be much the number of Americans currently
interest in understanding why the serving in the All-Volunteer Force
military maintains a presence on is less than one percent of the U.S.
campus, ROTC members say. , population. And though many peo-
"I think people don't ultimately ple profess to "support the troops,"
understand on campus what the lurking just beneath that phrase is
commitments are of someone who's the understanding that supporting
in ROTC, or why they would choose the troops stops the moment the
to wake up at 6:30," said Ryan military recruiter comes knocking
Bouchard, an LSA senior and Army at the door.
cadet. "Whether that's something "I think people are very con-
for a Michigan student, that's a per- cerned aboutsupportingthe troops,"
sonal decision." Racklyeft said. "I think that's a big
Many ROTC members said peo- thing: 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, support
ple often thank them on campus, for them, support them.' But it's some-
which they're greatly appreciative. body else's job."

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