The Michigan Daily - michigandaily.com

New Student Edition - 9D

The Michigan Daily - michigandailycom New Student Edition - 9D

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March 13, 2008 - There's something
of a mantra that permeates Daily
Arts: If you don't hate things, you
shouldn't be here. You've seen it in
the back row of Psych Ili, when we
fry "Transformers" and Jack John-
son. And though you may despise
it, there's a reason you see so many
one-star reviews.
We fall victim to the problem
of evil: No ultimate evil yields no
ultimate good. Without the likes of
JessicaAlba,yousimplycan't appre-
ciate "Hills Like White Elephants"
- the maddening $dichotomy that
rules the art world. Trying to ret-
oncile the dilemma with arguments
of subjectivity eventually proves
circular: This is good because I like
it. I like it because it's good.
Everything must be judged
against its contemporaries, and
frankly, "Law-and Order" is worse
than "The Wire." The pervasive-
ness of lackluster art inspires vit-
riol and is responsible for the cries
of elitism that typically accompany
the words "Daily Arts."
We've been relegated to a jour-
nalistic subculture, abandoning
precious favorites the moment an
art movement is co-opted by the
mainstream. We sitin constant fear
of our saviors being discovered by
the bastardizing public, or simply
relegating themselves to a com-
mercialized, wet-blanket version of
their former selves.
We hate things that we don't
like. We don't like things that we
hate. You have your taste, and we
have ours.
HEATIfLEDGER
The Australian accent might
have been endearing for a time, but
Heath Ledger's acting skills were
anything but. This isn't an attack
on the legacy of his character - it's
an attack on his lackluster career
that the public has been too disil-
lusioned to recognize in the midst
of recent Heath hype. Don't try to
shroud his lack of talent in a heap
of tragic sentiment just because
you feel like a bad person for admit-

ting the truth. Fifty-three days ago,
"10 Things I Hate About You" was
lame and "A Knight's Tale" embar-
rassing. His defining cowboy role
in "Brokeback Mountain" proved a
cinematic flop, even if the film did
win three Oscars. Ledger's post-
humous fame boost was inevitable
(however misdirected) but war-
rants some serious review. Your
post-overdose-career-bump/grace
period is over, Heath, and there are
some things Imdb.com can't hide.
HOPWOOD AWARDS
So youwon a Hopwood. Good for
you.You're basically set forlife now.
Your pen name - Amber Lovesalot
or something equally overwrought
- is kissing cousins with James
Joyce. HIell, don't even worry about
improving your skills anymore
because a randomly selected group
of professors thought your short
story about the gutter of the big
city was moderately better than ali
the other undergraduates' stories
about the gutter of the big city. Lis-
ten, your Hopwood doesn't mean
shit. All it amounts to is some extra
cash for a couple of beers - and
your East Quad crush will think
you're totally deep. Get over your-
self: You're a mediocre writer who
won a mediocre award. Your 15
minutes is up.
HOPS SHORTAGES
You know, Michiganders have a
lot of things to be cranky about: the
weather, the economy, the weather.
But damn we have some good local
beer, no? Jolly, Pumpkin, Bell's,
Arcadia, Dark Horse - not to men-
tion our bar-breweries: ABC, Griz-
zly Peak, Leopold's. If we can't bury
our woes in the bottom of a brews-
ky, what else can we do? Take away
our grog (or, at least, make it more
expensive) and you risk our wrath.
In one of those "you don't realize
how awesome nature is until she
fucks you over" moments, our wal-
lets are taking the brunt of a state-
wide hops shortage. Beer prices

have gone up, and Michigan's $25
million local beer industry is tak-
ing a beating. This is bullshit. Black~
Labeliwill only bridge the gap for so
long. Grow, little hops, GROW.
EXCESSIVE FACEBOOK
RSVPING
I have a question: When you
were in middle school and received
an invitation to a bar mitzvah you
couldn't attend, did you mail out
your RSVP to everyone in a 30-mile
radius? OK, so why do you find it.
necessary to poston Facebook Event
walls to tell everyone on the fuck-
ing interweb that you wont be able
to attend your friend's house party?
We don't care if you're spendingthe
weekend in Albuquerque to attend
your cousin's rocketry competition.
If you need to explain why you can't
make it to some awesome event, pick
up your goddamn phone and callithe
person who invited you. And while
you're at it, disable your MySpace
account, because I know you have
one of those too.
J.J. ABRAMS

your name.
(BULLSHIT) MUSIC GENRE
LABELS
Adding "core" to the end of
a word doesn't make it a genre
label and it doesn't make you cool
to say them. Grindcore? Gnar-
core? Corecore? Things are get-
ting out of hand, but nothing is
worse than a painfully tedious
laundry list to describe the newest
band Applewood Grime's release
as psychodelic-punk-folk-math-
prog-glitter-glam-scorch-shit-thrash-
visceral-skunk-meat-tunnelcore.
You're not fooling anyone. It's rock.
Maybe hard rock - maybe. Just
because you talk the talk, it doesn't
meanyou'llgetlaid outside the Blind
Pig. Oh wait,it does.But only ifyou're
looking to bone a greasy motorcy-
clist listening to Mac Blagick who
calls themselves noise-anxious-lo-
fi-prog-fuckadelic-boner-shtick-
turpentine-machetecore.

your beloved tapes masquerading
as literature are making a mockery
of the bona fide intelligentsia. The
oversized print and shiny holograms
slapped onto the boxes of books on
tape scream out to the morons who
actually believe they're investing
in a modern version of new hard-
cover releases. No voice - certainly
not the obnoxious phony attempts
at dramatization - can enlighten
its listener for hours on end. And
don't even try making excuses for
the authors who do the voice-over
themselves:Theyshould havean"S'
permanently stamped on their fore-
heads for selling out. Unless you're
blind, there is no excuse for listen-
ing to books on tape - not a road
trip, notthat bullshit about how you
get nauseous when you read in the
car. The very concept degrades the
experience of reading... a book.
EXCLAMATION POINTS
Punctuation is important! It

one "just because" category. And
really, how perverse of a sensa-
tion is she that people are willing
to pay upwards of $1,000 per ticket
to swim in a sea of purple glitter?
America, you disgust me.
POP SONG RINGTONES
It was supposed to save the music
industry. Instead of teenie-boppers
buying overpriced CDs, they'd buy
a snippet of the new Kings of Leon
single for $0:99-and use it as their
ringtone. Problem solved. But noth-
ing is more grating than sitting in a
lecture while some d-bag's phone
blows up with "Baby Got Back," or
encountering that tool who's trying
to relive springbreak with "Margar-
itaville." The vibrate option is there
for a reason. It's still annoying when
your neat, space-age Nokia vibrates
the hell out of a Jimmy John's wrap-
per in your backpack, but if we hear
"Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)" in
choppy, tingy convulsions again -
or really, ever again - we're killing
a polar bear cub. With a dull ax.
MSA

allows us to communicate effective-
"WHAT'S UP7" ly! And if you've ever been forced to
translate Latin,youknowhave frus-
BLOW-BY trating alack of proper punctuation
can be! Which is why you need to
ntion humans: When walk- stop destroying it! See how fucking

Atte:

A man who's garnered notoriety ing by an acquaintance, it is appro-
through anonymity and suspense, priate to offer a salutation, such as:
J.J. Abrams exists tobe infuriating. "hello," "nice to see you," "good day
He's dragged a show that could've kind sir," or "buenos dias fuck face."
ended in two seasons ("Lost") into However, "what's up?" or "how's it
an astonishing four, with more in going?" is not an acceptable utter-
the works - not to mention the ance in passing. Those are questions,
outlandish and unrealistic process questions that necessitate answers.
by which he's accomplished this. If you would like to greet someone,
He's also responsible for such hype say hello - don't ask a question
machine blunders as "Cloverfield," and walk away. And for the love of
which showcases the worst part of god, if some d-bag greets you with
Abrams: Most of the shit he pro- a "what's up?" while blowing past
duces is shit. It's not entertaining, you, do not respond in kind. "What's
shocking, fun or innovative. Hell, up," "what's up" is not legitimate
the "Cloverfield" monster wasn't discourse; it's just two assbags that
even a glorified Godzilla. It looked forgot how to say "hello."
like a crab-alligator that ate some
potatoes from Chernobyl. It's like
someone let him bypass filmmak- BOOKS ON TAPE
ing 101 because he'd seen "Alien"
and understood suspense. And any- Think you're literate because
one that uses their initials instead . you've blown through seven books
of their name needs a serious ego on'tape this month? Get real, trog-
check. Fuck your movies and fuck lodytes. Books are for reading, and

annoyin
prolifer
point is
of ourt
year sos
require
when yo
of them
email y
all mea
tool. Le
through
Hann
Hope a.
chick'sf
point of
with a b

g this (!) is? The widespread Think back to your middle school
ation of the exclamation student council. They planned
one of the great tragedies dances and, um, probably did some-
time. Once, maybe twice a thing else. Now change the label to
nething happens to you that Michigan Student Assembly, except
s an exclamation point. But they waste hunks of cash on con-
ou feel the need to throw 17 certs that allow Ludacris to spout on
into every group-project about UM girls and blowjobs.Really
ou send, the symbol loses ... really? You have all this money
ning and you come off as a and you bring Guster to campus for
t's try to express ourselves free? Surely you can do better than
swords. OK? OK!!!!!! this. Use some of the large chunks
of money you have to benefit the
University's arts scene. Use some
MILEY CYRUS of your time to plan a good concert
instead of taking a stance on racist
nah Montana a.k.a Destiny graffiti. Surprise, surprise - you're
k.a. Miley Ray Cyrus - this against it. Probable fall agenda: can-
ego has ballooned past the cer might be bad; Kenny G. and Hill
toleration, and we hate her Auditorium; sounds like a winning
blistering passion. OK. so we combination.

VY ALI Q 11J YA... yuV1V11 , V V
don't actually have much to justify
our irrational hostility toward the
Disney teen star/pop-industry dar-
ling, but we're entitled to at least

Compiled by Matt Emery, Chris
Gaerig, Caroline Hartmann, Michael
Passman and Andrew Sargus Klein.

..And the things Daily Arts hates to love

'90S POP ROCK
"Hey Jealousy," "Mr. Jones,"
"Glycerine," "Stupid Girl." I could
continue forever but alas, I must
stop. There are few things more
shamefully enjoyable than '90s
pop rock.
For some reason, every band in
the '90s seemed to have an incred-
ible propensity for hooks and
head-bopping singles.
Since-shamed groups like Hoo-
tie and the Blowfish and Blues
Traveler were topping the charts
legitimately. And there's still
something strangely comforting
about seeing the Rock Ballads com-
mercials while flipping through
the channels on endless Saturday
nights.
This doesn't mean you should
play these guys at parties, but don't
be ashamed to get your groove on
in your room.

Just make sure you're all alone;
believe me, you don't want anyone
seeing you.
CABLE DATING SHOWS
We didn't even know who Tila
Tequila was, but who cares? She
was making men and women eat
bull penis to find her true love.
We're over Flava Flav.
Three seasons and still no love?
You're done.
After Ms. Tequila, nothing can
compete. Whipping, lap dancing
on grandparents and one giant
bed for everyone to sleep in. Add
a show like "I Love New York" and
that's some real television.
Squealing girls, midgets who
can't swim and hair pulling?
Perfect.
"Rock of Love" with Bret
Michaels and a stripper butcher-
ing the national anthem in front of
veterans? Priceless. And if you're

a contestant and lose, don't fret -
you'll get your own show. "That's
Amore!" gives a Tila reject the
chance to watch girls in bikinis
wrestle in pools of spaghetti.
It's win-win.
No one finds love, everyone cries
and we watch the "real life" drama.
Oh, America.
RICK'S
After several stolen coats, innu-
merable blackout nights, shot
glasses thrown at our heads and
45-minute lines, you would think
we'd be over this place.
Maybe it's the shark bowls (if
you've never had one, you've never
had a real Thursday night,) maybe
it's watching the leaders of cam-
pus's most visible student groups
get so drunk they can't stand or
maybe it's just because we finally
respect ourselves too much to
party at Pike.

Every Friday morning we
repent, every Thursday night we
return.
Fuck you, Rick's.
TMZ.COM
We hate Britney Spears. We
really, really hate Britney Spears.
But for some reason, we love read-
ing about her, probably because
her life story is more enthralling
than anything Tom Clancy has
ever written.
And, there's no better place
to read about Britney's crazed
escapades than TMZ.com: the
American equivalent of the Brit-
ish paparazzi that killed Princess
Diana. And we really, really like
dangerous, hounding paparazzi.
Drunken driving.
Infidelity.
Underage, celebrity drinking.
Seriously, what more could you
want from a website?

Crappy cowboy hat? Check. Bandana? Check. I guess it's time for 'Rock of Love."