4B -- Thursday, March 13, 2008 The Michigan Daily - michigandailycom Inspecting grammar MORE THINGS WE HATE By ABIGAIL B. COLODNER DailyArts Writer "Women" is not an adjective. It's a noun. So why, in the last sev- eral years, has the phrase "women [noon]" replaced "female [noun]"? Society of Women Engineers. "Osteoperosis: A Woman Doctor's Guide." Organization of Women Architects, who claim they work, interestingly enough, in a "male- dominated field." Word use changes over time, but that doesn't mean those changes don't merit our scrutiny. The last time I heard the non-adjective "man" modifying a noun was in "man candy." The last time I went for a checkup, I didn't see a man doctor. A man chef isn't creating great cuisine downtown, either. Nor is there a man senator in office, or a man clerk bagging your groceries. We speak of maleness as an attribute, not an object. It seems we're all having lady problems these days. Do we not care enough about the women we describe to get the words right? To use a noun in place of an make better use of the very acu- adjective objectifies the descrip- ity that got them into a position to tion. If "female" sounds too clini- shape the English language in the cal, why don't we squirm at the first place. use of "male" to describe men? To use the noun "women" as an Maybe the associations of male- exception to the rules of grammar ness with validity and femaleness is a cop-out. It detracts from the with a qualified status are stronger credibility of the argument being made by many of these founda- tions, articles, and professional and outreach organizations - how w hen current use can a group demand its rightful hinders the equality if it can't respect its right to use the same language? actual meaning The improper use of the noun "Democrat" to modify the noun "Party" has received some, if not enough, press. The term's objecti- than we like to admit. The misuse fication of a political party that's of a term intended to dignify adds based on a set of ideals and policies insult to injury. has been pointed out as a deliberate I suspect the phrase gained manipulation of the English lan- popularity in some pro-feminist guage. It is to the detriment of the context that also happened to be party it describes, in effect if not gimmicky and unprofessional. If intent. Bush and stauncher Republi- "women" professionals want to be cans have come under fire for their seen as women who are experts in suspicious misuse of a term that their field, rather than mistaken describes their opposition party. for individuals who happen to be The lack of respect is implicit in experts in women, they should the grammar. HATE From Page 1B "WHAT'S UP?" BLOW-BY Attention humans: When walking by an acquaintance, it is appropriate to offer a saluta- tion, such as: "hello," "nice to see you," "good day kind sir," or "buenos dias fuck face." How- ever, "what's up?" or "how's it going?" is not an acceptable utterance in passing. Those are questions, questions that necessitate answers. If you would like to greet someone, say hello - don't ask a question and walk away. And for the love of god, if some d-bag greets you with a "what's up?" while blow- ing past you, do not respond in kind. "What's up," "what's up" is not legitimate discourse; it's just two assbags that forgot how to say "hello." BOOKS ON TAPE Thinkyou'reliteratebecause you've blown through seven books on tape this month? Get real, troglodytes. Books are for reading, and your beloved tapes masquerading as litera- ture are making a mockery of the bona fide intelligentsia. The oversized print and shiny holograms slapped onto the boxes of books on tape scream out to the morons who actually believe they're investing in a modern version of new hard- cover releases. No voice - cer- tainly not the obnoxious phony attempts at dramatization - can enlighten its listener for hours on end. And don't even try making excuses for the authors who do the voice-over themselves. They should have an "S" permanently stamped on their foreheads for sell- ing out. Unless you're blind, there is no excuse for listening to books on tape - not a road trip, not that bullshit about how you get nauseous when you read in the car. The very concept degrades the experi- ence of reading... a book. EXCLAMATION POINTS Punctuation is important! It allows us to communicate effectively! And if you've ever been forced to translate Latin, you know have frustrating a lack of proper punctuation can be! Which is why you need to stop destroying it! See how fucking annoying this (!) is? The widespread proliferation of the exclamation point is one of the great tragedies of our time. Once, maybe twice a year something happens to you that requires an exclamation point. But when you feel the need to throw 17 of them into every group-project email you send, the symbol loses all mean- ing and you come off as a tool. Let's try to express ourselves through words. OK? OK!!!!!! MILEY CYRUS Hannah Montana a.k.aDesti- ny Hope a.k.a. Miley Ray Cyrus - this chick's ego has ballooned past the point of toleration, and we hate her with a blistering passion. OK, so we don't actu- ally have much to justify our irrational hostility toward the Disney teen star/pop-industry darling, but we're entitled to at least one "just because" cat- egory. And really, how perverse of a sensation is she that people are willing to pay upwards of $1,000 per ticket to swim in a sea of purple glitter? America, you disgust me. POP SONG RINGTONES It was supposed to save the music industry. Instead of tee- nie-boppers buying overpriced CDs, they'd buy a snippet of the new Kings of Leon single for $0.99 and use it as their ringtone. Problem solved. But nothing is more grating than sitting in a lecture while some d-bag's phone blows up with "Baby Got Back," or encoun- tering that tool who's trying to relive spring break with "Margaritaville." The vibrate option is there for a reason. it's still annoying when your neat, space-age Nokia vibrates the hell out of a Jimmy John's wrapper in your backpack, but if we hear "Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)" in choppy, tingy convulsions again - or really, ever again - we're killing a polar bearcub. With a dull ax. MSA Think back to your middle school student council. They planned dances and, um, prob- ably did something else. Now change the label to Michigan Student Assembly, except they waste hunks of cash on con- certs that allow Ludicrus to spout on about UM girls and blowjobs. Really ... really? You have all this money and you bring Guster to campus for free? Surely you can do better than this. Use some of the large chunks of money you have to benefit the University's arts scene. Use some of your time to plan a good concert instead of taking a stance on racist graffiti. Surprise, surprise - you're against it. Probable fall agenda: cancer might be bad; Kenny G. and Hill Auditorium; sounds like a winning combi- nation. I Pretention hits the books ByBENVANWAGONER Daily Arts Writer Studying literature is a lot like dabbling in indie music. It's one of those rare microcosms of intellec- tual societywhereyour knowledge is often based not on the volume of the information, or even its relevance, but rather on its obscurity. It's as if there's some point system assigned, and whoever can quote from - or even reference - a piece of litera- ture that no one else has read gains a point. Five for obscure Shakespeare ("Coriolanus"), ten for excruciating- ly painful Southern literature ("The Sound and the Fury"), 15 for Joyce, and, best of all, 25 for "Beowulf". In Old English. In fact, it's even better if they've never heard of it, although this can cause a little trouble in assigning points. Most sane people would avoid such competition at all costs but some revel in it. In the world of lit- erature, your point value decides everything. It's an indicator of your social status far more powerful than any statistic in football or basketball. It extends beyond a simple assess- ment of your ability to read and ana- lyze the most bizarre literature by acting as an actual social determi- nant. The point value decides your place in the hierarchy of the learned, the scholars, the literati. Too low and your words will be met with incred- ulous stares from everyone in your seminar regardless of their accuracy. When your classmates have finished looking uncomfortable over your ignorance, one will speak up, almost apologetically: "Perhaps, but in Book II of "The Faerie Queen," I believe Spenser made a powerful move to discount that by..." You won't under- stand it, but, then again, you aren't meant to. Of course, this is all nonsense. Yet it's this sort of behavior that seems so prevalent in seminars and discus- sions, both in class and out. There's some of this in every discipline. In political science, it's the people who insist on talking about the implica- tions of the Austrian Prime Minis- ter's move to decriminalize parking on sidewalks. In math, it's the train of thought that leads to the purchase of huge chalkboard installations in some unsuspecting roommate's hall- way. It's simply the idea that some- how, elitism and obscurity not only makes you smarter, but it also makes you better. And righter. It's a mistake. Literature is not meant to be exclusive, nor is it meant to be a means ofconstructing a social hierarchy. Ithasn't been for hundreds of years, since the Reformation. And no one wants to revisit that. The worrying part of this trend is not simply that it's a trend, but that academic society is buying, and per- haps has bought, into it. Maybe it's the intimidation factor. I know I've always had this sort of thinly veiled terror that I would be found out - unmasked and exposed to the world as someone who had not read Joyce, and, no, who had not read "The Great Gatsby" either. There seems to be no room for any admission of ignorance, only blind insistence on greater obscurity spurred on by fear of being discovered as a fraud. Rather than deepening or extending the study of literature, the obsession with elitism only hob- bles it. The nonchalant references your professor makes to George Herbert's elegiac poems and their relation to modern Christian doc- trine will never be instructive. Call the reference a shortcut to meaning if you will, but when it's a shortcut, only the one taking it can see it: It loses its effectiveness and becomes nothing more than a wrong turn. Hemingway had it right. Lit- erature is about the exploration of ideas and helping move those ideas from the author to the reader. As soon as the ideas are unnecessar- ily complex, the author is doing his readers a disservice. The same goes for the social structure that surrounds that literature. Points should be awarded not to those individuals whose references are the most obscure but to the ones who can effectively make their argument with works everyone has read and in a manner everyone can understand. Rather than respect the literature snobs who namedrop Keats and Kyd, we should celebrate those who are devoted to being accessible and relevant. COMPILED BY MATT EMERY, CHRIS GAERIG, CAROLINE HARTMANN MICHAEL PASSMAN AND ANDREW SARGUS KLEIN. Freshmen and Sophomores, are you looking for a summer internship? Would you like to take a step towards bolstering your resume? Do you wan to work with the coolest people on campus? '90S POP ROCK "Hey Jealousy," "Mr. Jones," "Glycerine," "Stupid Girl." I could continue forever but alas, I must stop. There are few things more shamefully enjoy- able than '90s pop rock. For some reason, every band in the '90s seemed to have an incred- ible propensity for hooks and head-bopping singles. Since- shamed groups like Hootie and the Blowfish and Blues Trav- eler were topping the charts ... legitimately. And there's still something strangely com- forting about seeing the Rock Ballads commercials while flipping through the channels on endless Saturday nights. This doesn't mean you should play these guys at parties, but don't be ashamed to get your groove on in your room. Just make sure you're all alone; believe me, you don't want anyone seeing you. CABLE DATING SHOWS We didn't even know who Tila Tequila was, but who cares? She was making men and women eat bull penis to find her true love. We're over Flava Flav. Three seasons and still no love? You're done. After Ms. Tequila, nothing can com- pete. Whipping, lap dancing on grandparents and one giantbed for everyone to sleep in. Add a show like "I Love New York" and that's some real television. Squealing girls, midgets who can't swim and hair pulling? Perfect. "Rock of Love" with Bret Michaels and a stripper butcheringthe national anthem in front of veterans? Priceless. And if you're a contestant and lose, don't fret - you'll get your own show. "That's Amore!" gives a Tila reject the chance to watch girls in bikinis wrestle in pools of spaghetti. It's win- win: no one finds love, everyone cries and we watch the "real life" drama. Oh, America. RICK'S After several stolen coats, innumerable blackout nights, a shot glass thrown at my head and 45-minute lines, you would think I'd be over this place. Maybe it's the shark bowls (if you've never had one, you've never had a real Thursday night,) maybe it's watching the leaders of campus's most visible student groups get so drunk they can't stand or maybe it's just because we finally respect ourselves too much to party at Pike. Every Friday morning we repent, every Thursday night we return. Fuck you, Rick's. TMZ.COM We hate Britney Spears. We really, really hate Britney Spears. But for some reason, we love reading about her, prob- ably because her life story is more enthrallingthan anything Tom Clancy has ever written. And, there's no better place to read about Britney's crazed escapades than TMZ.com: the American equivalent of the British paparazzi that killed Princess Diana. And we really, really like dangerous, hounding paparazzi. Drunken driving, infidelity and underage, celeb- rity drinking - what could be better? 4 The Michigan Daily Business Staff Department is a student run group that sells all the ads in the Daily. We are looking for dedicated and motivated people to continue the legacy that has been going on for over 118 years. Simply send e-mail to dailydisploygmail.com, call (734) 764-0554, or stop in at the Daily building (420 Maynard) to pick up an application! DON'T MISS OUT ON TRADITION! 1i~~ 4,6 How Dungeons and Dragons opened the minds of a generation f- Ann Arbor l Zj .......... ... ............ MEDIA From Page 1B outfit, every weapon my charac- ter owned. And she died. I live a boring life. For that moment I felt what it felt like to be a hero, if only for a moment." Yeah, yeah. Take your eyes out of the back of your head and go back to the captivatingnarra- tive sequences in "Halo." Show me a kid who, by the time he/she (probably he) is 13, understands sacrifice, strategy, lateral think- ing and the vocabulary of a high school senior -all because of Dungeons & freakin' Dragons - and I'll show you a shining example of nerd-dom at its best. If you go to Robert Jordan'sblog (www.dragonmount.com/Robert- Jordan/), you'll find, through every last heartbreaking entry, evidence of an audience that is both beautifully nerdy and beauti- fully articulate in its grief over the loss of a man few of them have ever met. An enlightened, open mind is not so terribly hard to develop. Thank you, Mr. Gygax, for open- ing up a different means for the end we're all, hopefully, tryingto reach. 4 4 stop by south U. and see why