w w w w w w w 'W" w v - qw w v w I B .Te -ic iganDaiy -Wedesdy, ebrary20,200 THE EDITOR'S NOTEBOOK with GABE NELSON A look at the big news events this week and how important they really are. Conveniently rated from one to10. rule 84: A slippery sidewalk isn't reason enough to shuffle to class like an anxious penguin. rule 85: Napping on library chairs and sofas is all right unless you snore, breathe heav- ily or make sexual noises in your sleep. rule 86: It's fine to talk trash about that kid who makes a point to disagree with everything any- one says in discus- sion section. - E-wail rule subwissions to TheStatewent@uwich.edu CAN WE BUY THE CIGARS YET? After almost fifty years as leader of Cuba, Fidel Castro said yesterday that he plans to step down from his post as president. The Cuban Parliament will gather this weekend to pick a successor, with the favorite being his 8 brother Raul Castro. While the response in Cuba was subdued, the news brought greatjoy to two groups: Miami residents and CIA operatives, who've spent decades trying to depose Castro. The assassination attewpts wight have tailed, but their wait-until-the- bastard-dies strategy seews close tu paying ot. WIKI-WILD WILD WEB On Friday, a federal judge ordered the shutdown of Wikileaks.org, a website that encouraged users to post documents showing corporate or government wrongdoing. The judge made the decision after someone posted a document showing that the Cayman Islands-based Julius Baer Bank helps customers evade taxes. Wait, really? The ultimate decision in the case will be an important test of First Amendment rights on the Internet, but I wish the leak in question were a little juicier. The site might as well have revealed the shocking fact that fat kids love cake. IMITATING AN ICON... NUDE Actress Lindsay Lohan posed nude for next week's issue of New York wagavive, recreating Hollywood starlet Marilyn Moroe's lastrphoto shoot before her "1116 death in t962. Lohan, who has gone to rehab wultiple times in the last year after arrests for drunken driving and cocaine possession, seems a suitable surrogate for Monroe, who - Oh, that's right. I don't care. 3 TOTAL RECALL The U.S. Department of Agriculture recalled 143 million pounds of beef Sunday after an undercover tape from California's Westland/Hallmark meat company surfaced showing cows being pushed by forklifts or dragged by chains because they were unable to walk. While safety concerns were minimal, government officials decided the failure of the ranchers to report the sick cowsniustified the recall. Wait, the beef wasn't tainted? Something's not quite right. Oh, it must be time for a barbecue at the USDA! BALKANS FURTHER BALKANIZED The disputed region of Kosovo declared independence from Serbia on Sunday, making it the seventh nation sliced jigsaw-style from the boundaries of the former Yugoslavia. Kosovo must now try to gain recognition from the United Nations, which could be a little tricky. With all these little Balkan nations going out and declaring independence ill the time, the U.N needs to make sure this isn't just a ploy for attention. LEADERSAFRIC GO TO BY GARY GRACA I EDITORIAL PAGE EDITOR Africa is this year's hot destination for diplomatic excursions. While President Bush is on the savanna this week, University President Mary Sue Coleman will visit over Spring Break. Whose presidential tour wins? SPRING BREAK 08: AFRICA Mary Sue Coleman and a delegation of University officials are headed to South Africa and Ghana thin week to build ties with African universities and weet with leading figures in African politics and higher education. Coleman's trip will take a fascinating turn in Ghana when she encountern a group of children wearing hats and shirts that say "Michigan Football: 2006 eose towl Chawpions." MagazineEditor.- essica Vvngeciai Edtor inChif:fAndrow Grossman Manging Editor: GabeNelsn Photo Edtor: Shay Scccvl Junk Draweor:vria n ngel Designer Alisn Saurn Coer photo; Chanel Vi onHbsburg- Lothrngen WRITE FOR THE STATEMENT E-mail vosgerchian@michigandaily.com LENGTH OF TRIP: 6 days COUNTRIES VISITED: Benin, Tanzania, Rwanda, Ghana and Liberia OBJECTIVE: Trumpeting his programs to reduce poverty, illiteracy and disease. More importantly, Bush wants to show that while he may have screwed up the Middle East, ignored the genocide in Darfur and destroyed America's international prestige, a few African countries still like him. TRAVEL POSSE: First Lady Laura Bush and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (until she got shipped off to Kenya on Monday to play negotiator between that country's warring factions). Dick Cheney had to stay home because his tendency to scare children would ruin too many charter-school photo ops. BEST GIFT GIVEN: $698 million in aid to fight poverty and disease in Tanzania. WORST GIFT GIVEN: A pair of Shaquille O'Neal's size-23 shoes - an obvious afterthought that he probably picked up at a sweatshop on his way from the airport. BEST GIFT RECEIVED: An official George W. Bush Day in Benin. It's a day when everyone wears cowboy boots, tries not to listen to themselves when they talk, makes gut decisions and liberates as many things as possible - unless it is sexual liberation, and then there is only abstinence. Fortunately for Americans, we've enjoyed seven years of that kind of non-stop fun. WORST GIFT RECEIVED: A stuffed leopard and lion doll from Tanzanian President Jakaya Kikwete - an obvious afterthought that he probably picked up at a sweatshop on his way from the airport. BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME: Bush doesn't go Dick Cheney or Ernest Hemingway and shoot any people or endangered animals. COUNTRIES TO VISIT: South Africa and Ghana OBJECTIVE: Improving health care systems, championing the Inter- net as a way to make heath resources more available, strengthening study-abroad programs and learning a bit about how African heritage is preserved. TRAVEL POSSE: Gary Krenz, special counsel to the president, and 12 University professors and administrators. BEST GIFT GIVEN: A wide variety of University paraphernalia, includ- ing pens, desk clocks and books. It's just like picking up a bunch of stuff from Steve and Barry's for your grandparents - people love it. What member of African royalty wouldn't want a "Michigan King" T-shirt? WORST GIFT GIVEN: An honor- ary Doctor of Laws degree for the vice chancellor of the University of Cape Town. The University of Michigan seems to be giving these honorary titles out to people like candy - even Mos Def is a visiting professor. Steve and Barry's should look into making "Michigan Doctor of Laws" T-shirts. Now that's something the vice chancel- lor could actually use. MOST LIKELY OUTCOME: A "Discover Africa" theme semester COLEMAN -ml ROB MIGRIN/Daly LENGTH OF TRIP: 14 days 1 0* StudentUniverse.com I APRPHOT