V V w w 0 v lw v w w -W The Michigan Daily - Wednesday, October 24, 2007 WenedyOcoer24 007 h *Mcign5al A TIP FOR DEVELOPING YOUR Terroir (tehr-wahr): The set of characteristics in COCKTAIL PARTY VERNACULAR wine or coffee engendered by geographical origins. THE EDITOR'S NOTEBOOK with GARY GRACA A look at the big news events this week and how important they really are. Conveniently rated from one to10. new neruies rule 54: Febreze is for making sure your parents don't catch you smoking pot. It isn't a substi- tute for laun- dry. rule 55: Double-sided printing isn't environmental activism. rule 56: "Michigan Beer Pong" shirts are not witty and never have been. - E-mail rule submissions to TheStatement@umichedu SEX ED After seven students in its middle schools became pregnant last year, a Maine school district voted to start offering contraceptives to its middle school students. This way, when pre-pubescent teenage boys pick their dates up on their bikes, they can have a condom in their Pokemon wallet. You know, just in case. DISEASE IN AMERICA'S SCHOOLS Whenseveral high schools across the country discovered some of their students, particularly male athletes, were infected with MRSA, ormethicillin-resistant"Staphylococcus 5 ~ aureus, manybegan introducing a new concept to theirmake students: hygiene. Being on thelfootball team is pretty cool, but not if you havea penicillin-resistant, flesh-eating infection. ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE OF WINNING Entered as a write-in candidate, 19-year-old Taras Nyko- riak is running for mayor of Warren, Mich. Although he is young, his list of accomplishments is short and he is running against two veteran candidates, people say Ron 4 Paul has a chance at the presidency, so this kid must have a chance at becoming Warren's mayor too - Hell just has to freeze over first. LONG-LOST COUSINS Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, Presi- dent Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have more in common than anyone had ever guessed. It turns out, they are all cousins. Having Bush as an 11th cousin and Cheney as a ninth cousin once removed may be bad for Obama's campaign, but it might be worse for Bush, who can no longer hate black people. EARMARKING WOODSTOCK Democratic New York senators Hillary Clinton and Charles Schumer failed last week to attach a $1 mil- lion earmark toa health and education spending bill in support of a Woodstock museum commemorating the famous concert in1969. Republicans just weren't digging it, man. E :,. AN ENDLESS DEBATE Although this may be news tojust about everyone, any Republican debate was held Sunday. Just a guess, but all of them want a bigger military funded with fewer taxes by a smaller government that stays out of private lives except for gay people, immigrants and anybody who might be a terrorist. PERSON OF THE WEEK Magazine Edior: nne VandrdMey Vosgercin Editor in Chief: KcvlStampfl Managing Editor: lrrnBloinn Phnoo ditor:Emm Cover Photo: ZacharyMeir Designers:Brdgeti'Dnnerl, ie venyelAlinGhamni CLARENCE THOMAS It is hard to put a price on something as prestigious as a degree from Yale Law School, but the nation's first black Supreme Court justice reckons it's about 15 cents - because the school's affirmative action policies cheapened the achievement, according to Thomas's new book. But he doesn't stop with his alma mater. In a book that reads a little bit like a hit list, Thomas settles scores with everyone who he feels has wronged him. And the list is long. Of course, Anita Hill aside, the arch conservative's real nemesis is any law or social program passed after 1789. Watch out affirmative action, you're next. MMM Crohn's Disease or Ulcerative Colitis? I so, We Need Your Help at the Next IBD Student Group Meeting. Many students on and off campus manage a full time student life and their Crohn's / Colitis. We need STUDENTS to share their experiences and ideas, as well as to engage even more STUDENTS. Be a part of someone's life or make a difference in your own on Thursday, October 25th at the next roup meeting! Date: Thursday, October 25th, 2007 time: 7-9 P.M. Location: MASON HALL RM 3356 'etusknow youare coming {& any qujestions) RANDOLPH COURT APARTMENTS ~ 2 Bedroom Apartment Homes Ground Floor Ranch Style! Private Entrance! Patio! Spacious Kitchen! Air conditioning! Laundry Facilities! 24-Hour Emergency Maintenance! Pets Welcome! And much, much more! Call today to reserve your new addressl 734-971"2828 Equal Housing Opportunity Organized by Dr. Ellen Zimmermann, Email Alex: Director of the University of aaubrey@umich.edu Michigan's IBD ProgramOr Free Food will be Provided for All!!! Just Show Up! oz. of pre-sliced Swiss cheese oz. of pre-sliced provolone cheese Put this dish with some canned Campbell's Tomato Soup and call it a day. Canada U1' www.alberta-canada.com/ jobs