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Putting your best Facebook forward

By JEFFREY BLOOMER
ManagingEditor
Now that Facebook helpfully
coordinates every piece of new
information you need to know about
that girl you hooked up with (you
think) at that party last winter and
friended you the morning after (you
accepted - mistake), it's time we
simplify something so few people
seem to understand: The basic con-
struction ofa Facebook profile.
This is not subjective. This is sci-
ence. If we can't read your entire
profile in less than five minutes,
we're gone. You do not like Thomas
Pyncheon or "Pi." And "random-
ness"is not an interest, it's an inabil-
ity to express yourself.
It's not hopeless. You just need to
know where to begin.
Step 1. Delete the entire body of
your profile. Now.
Step 2. Cultivate your interests.
This will help you learn one of the

basic principles of the Facebook
profile: Everything should be disin-
genuous. Fronting and dishonesty
are key. Your interests, ofwhich you
have three to 12, have a very simple
formula: Go to Wikipedia.org. Click
"random article" (on the left).
The Kansas City Power Austra-
lian Football Club. The Achillobator
dinosaur. The number eight. These
are your new interests.
Step 3. On the favorite artcatego-
ries: We're notgoingto tellyou what
to like (would we dothat?),but there
are rules. You may not answer more
than any two of the four categories.
Favorite TV show can't be anything
other than a YouTube link or a show
no longer on the air. Favorite movies
can't have been released in the past
three years. I don't want to have
heard of any of your favorite music.
And if you took AP English, give up
on books now. Everyone will know
where they come from.
Step 4. Your picture does not

have to be of you, but if it isn't, it
should be something that will con-
fuse other people. A picture of a
friend. Some obscure piece of art.
A rodent. If it is you, you should
probably not look like you. AND
NEVER, EVER TAKE A PICTURE
OF YOURSELF IN A MIRROR. WE
CAN SEE THE CAMERA AND
THE TOWEL BEHIND YOU. That
shit is embarrassing.
Step 4a. It's not very romantic,
but alcohol in your picture does
make you look cooler. Get over it.
Step 4b. You may have only one
photo album, and it may not be
tagged. You should have at least a
dozen pictures of yourself at any
given time. And be merciless if
other people tag you - you cannot
possibly make it through 177 pic-
tures unscathed.

something with no verbs if possible. than you and the author. Do not
write on your own wall.

Step 6. Your "About Me," should,
of course, not be about you. Make
something up. Quote a long passage
about some sort of subterranean
creature. Or just don't have one.
Step 7. Website and status: You
have none.
Step 8. Groups. Sigh. Under no
circumstances may you have more
than eight. You may not join any
group that begins with the phrase
"I heart ... " or ends with the word
"bitch." You may not join groups
that exist by virtue of having mem-
bers. You may not joina group with
any more than 100 members. You
may be in only one group involving
an actual person, and it categori-
cally cannotbe a fan club.

Step 10. Private profiles are in.
Sorry. With age and experience you
will learn to use the search engine
to find outsomething about the peo-
ple whose profiles are locked.
Step 11. A note on personal and
work info: You should not have very
much of it. While you are required
to have your real name, phone num-
ber and e-mail address at all times
(or at least you are now), relation-
ship status, sex, sexual orientation,
birthday and hometown are advis-
able only if you have a particular
reason for havingthem up.
Step 12. Don't fall in love with
your own profile. Delete it and start
over often. (Pictures should never
remain for more than 15 days if you
aren't in the picture, 30 if you are.)
This article originally
ran on Oct.19, 2006.

Step 9. You must have more wall
Step S. Quotes should never be posts than friends. The posts should
credited, but if they are, it should never discuss anything that will
only be another obscurity. Choose make sense to anyone else other

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