The Michigan Daily
2D
This is not well-bal-
anced criticism. This
is felonious assault
with English diction
and syntax.
The role of vitriol and almost
malicious prose in criticism can be
useful, if only as sweet, communal
relief for sympathizers. And it's
necessary, too.
Though unpleasant to perhaps
meditate on, the fact remains that
roughly 80 percent (and I'm being
very, very generous) of the art pro-
duced in any given year is absolute
crap. Derivative crap, maudlin
crap, racist crap, sexist crap, lib-
eral-guilt crap, boring crap, disin-
genuous crap - it's all there.
It's clich to say we're oversatu-
rated, though it's true, and it's even
more cliche to have frazzled artis-
tic nostalgia - it wasn't that good
back then either. But we post-mil-
lennial college kids are the ones
drowning in sandpits of "art."
One company controls 80 percent
of the nation's FM airwaves. The
music industry is essentially three
mega-labels. The MPAA censors
kisses while waving dismember-
ment and torture through with
a PG-13. You can graduate with
a college English degree and not
read "Paradise Lost." "CSI" has
multiple spin-offs. Clearly this is a
different era.
It's almost seasonal, like a har-
vest, this need to separate the
wheat from the chaff. RollingStone
has word limits on its reviews. The
corporate press slaps three stars
on anything that breathes. There
is a distinct lack of Darwinism in
art. We're trying to bring it back.
But the catch is this: We may not
be right. Art criticism is subjective
extremism; to understand any-
thing on a deep level, you've got
to care about it. Art that offends,
disgusts and repulses you is just
as important as the art you find
indispensable. If this seems like
glib wisdom, that's because it is
We must hate to love. There are
acres of woeful, pointless art satu-
rating our lives. We at Daily Arts
would like to be the fire that removes
the scrub brush of art. Though you
may choke on the smoke and fumes
and recoil from the rage, we're doing
this as a service.
Disagree with us, hate us for
airing your beloved show out, but
don't put down the page. Because
as Winston Churchill, the most
curmudgeonly leader ever to live,
once said, "You have enemies?
Good. That means you've stood up
for something, sometime in your
life."
EVAN MCGARVEY
"GREY'S ANATOMY"
I'm glad i put on my asbestos
raincoat today. So many capable,
intelligent, aware women of my
generation revere this. I must be
crazy. Then I wondered:C in this
series go three episodes without
having one of its apparently brl -
liant, diamond-tougl, human a
characters burst into tears over
a small moment at work, or, even
worse, oy problems? Thi sis
feumin in n2006? This is what
Dworkin and Freidan pushed
culture towa rd? These are the
female pop role models now?
Even aiside from the fact that the
entire writing staff is just rehash-
ing sappy, later-era "ER" scripts,
"Grey's Anatomy" just can't be
taken seriously.
COMMON
For someone who had no trou-
ble repeatedly yelling "faggot"
on record (check "Like Water
For Chocolate"), Common hap-
pily became the laureate of scarf-
swaddling, well-intentioned
college kids who think that rap-
ping well means rapping nice.
News flash: He didn't suddenly
work with Kanye because they
decided to "save" the rap game
from people, who, you know, are
"materialistic" and shit. Com-
mon just straight up sold out.
He orchestrated a disingenuous
career switch and wagged his fin-
ger at anyone not as "conscious"
as him. Nor he shills for T.I.
and perpetually reminds aware
rap fans that being "conscious"
doesn't a lways mean being'mem-
orable."
NEW COUNTRY
New Country is probably the
montpopur cure of music in
the nation. Think about it Every-
one and their inbred brother
seems to claim that Rascal Flatts,
Toby Keith and Carrie Under-
wood are their favorites. These
so-called "artists" clog airwaves
and singles charts everywhere.
But it's all white t rash, dirt roads
and drunken ausbands with-
out the emotion and storyline j
developed by classic country
hitmakers like Loretta Lynn,
Waylon Jennings, Patsy Cline
and of course. Johnny Cash
i we overhea r one more gau-
cho-clad sorority girl waxing
poetic about how "amazing"
the new Keith Urba n song
is, we're going to claw out
our eyes.
THE "SAW"
FRANCHISE
There"s a n list
of bewilde:is m mov-
ies that t si. iiic!ican
college student ha
decided are the best
ever made (talking to
you "Donnie Darko
is the "Saw" franchise. Here are
two grossly exploitative movies
(soon to be three) in which char-
acters are literally strapped down
and pointlessly tortured in the
name of some guy who wants to
teach people to appreciate their
lives.Inthedormsstudentscrowd
around televisions and howl with
delight at every pulled tooth and
broken jaw - what is enjoyable in
this experience? Are you kidding?
Painfully derivative and dumb to
protruding bone, "Saw" and its
many contemporaries have taken
the American horror film hostage
and brutalized it to its worst state
in decades.
MYSPACE.COM
Myspace.com clocked the cre-
ation of its 100 millionth user pro-
file last month, and it's become a
multimedia marketing force for
indie-rock bands as well as a com-
munication vehicleforlarge-scale
corporations. And that "Chris-
tina Dolce" chick that arranges
her profile name ForBiddeN like
a preteen on instant messenger?
Buzz on Myspace nabbed her a
Playboy spread. Oh, and the site
also contributed to the summer
love match between a 16-year-old
honor student from Michigan and
a 20-something man in the Mid-
dle East. She tricked her parents
and booked a flight to Jordan,
only to be stopped by authorities.
Self-promotion and love with
minors is THE best !!!!!111 lol ;)
DMB
OK, so that one summer you
got weed, your driver's permit
and an acoustic guitar ... that was
10 years ago. You thought the
world was easy and Technicolor
back then. We forgive naivete,
candy-ass drums, and what basi-
cally amounts to an abused fiddle.
Dave sounds so blissfully stupid
and idiotic as he crows out some
indecipherable shit about world
peace, it was only
a matter of time
until Under
the Table and
Dreaming
became the
most satis-
fying dorm-
room drink
coaster.
YUNG JOC
He astonishes for two reasons:
In recent memory, no rapper has
so clearlystruggled with thebasic
concepts of the art (not always
rhyming words with themselves,
moving beyond nursery diction,
showing some human interest
beyond buying things, rapping
about old things in new ways
or new things in old ways) and
taken a dreadful, heartless debut,
Young Joc City, to the top of the
charts. Literally each song is a
copy of the next: frigid, squirrelly
synth turds and blind, bland talk
about being sweet. I hope Scar-
face comes out of retirement and
beats him with a trash can.
VANITY FAIR
Anyone else sick of this stab at
sophistication?Ifyoucanstomach
the extreme price tag - Vanity
Fair is really the most expensive
tabloid out there - a half-naked
Lindsay Lohan, confessional Jen-
nifer Aniston and now over-exu-
berant dad Tom Cruise have all
graced its cover over the last few
months in glorified versions of
the National Enquirer's top sto-
ries. Even its green-thumb issue
stank of journalistic insincerity
- very impressive that such a dis-
tinguished magazine can spare
some room for environmental-
ism between its encyclopedic dis-
plays of the latest overpriced high
fashion. It's a delicate art to spout
Graydon Carter's predictably lib-
eral bitching and still boast lavish
photo specials on the latestyachts
of the super rich. Mindlessly hate
Bushbut love in-depth interviews
with such high-profile figures as
Nicole Ritchie? Man, have I got a
$10 stack of glossy paper for you.
THE PERSONALITY CULT
OF DAN BROWN
We get it. He writes books for
people withshort attentionspans.
But I still don't get what the big
deal is. Just because his books are
superficially suspenseful doesn't
make him agood writer.And don't
even get us started on the titles of
his books. "Angels and Demons"?
Probably one of the most generic,
derivative oppositions in all of
literary history. Someone's hair
"rippling" does not a novel make.
Popular literature should still
have standards. So step off, Dan
Brown. You're not good enough
to be the next Stephen King.
THE WORD 'PLETHORA'
The English language is mas-
sive. You took English in 10th
grade. Such benign facts, such a
destructivepathintheircollective
wake. Sprinklings of "utilized"
instead of "used," "individuals"
instead of "people" - inane flour-
ishes that keep putting more nails
in George Orwell's coffin - have
nothing on this one.
Why, under any humane cir-
cumstances, would someone use
the word "plethora"? Many. A lot.
Quite a few. So many words and
phrases words that don't recall
a rancid fungus and high school
vocabulary tests are out there,
and yet, even in the dullest prose,
this word pops up again and again.
Please stop now and preserve the
little sanity we have left.
THE CATALOG OF MITCH
ALBOM
Mitch Albom is not an author.
Mitch Albom is an overstuffed
sports columnist who woke up
one day and decided he had the
right to infect millions of people
with his schmaltzy, melodramatic
musings on the meaning of life.
"Tuesdays with Morrie" and "The
Five People You Meet in Heaven"
sold millions of copies not because
they're amazingly well-written
or groundbreaking, but because
they're easy to swallow: Little
boxes of life lessons wrapped up
with tacky, sentimental bows.
Talk about setting the bar low
- you would be better off reading
the latest issue of Penthouse than
one of Albom's gems.
AWARD SHOWS
It's now safe to agree these
are now officially meaningless.
Let's just call them the popu-
larity contests that they truly
are, because they serve very
little purpose other than fueling
another fortnight of tabloids with
fresh red-carpet photos. Traves-
ties along the lines of the Teen
Choice Awards are obvious trash
(with Hilary Duff and Rob Sch-
neider co-hosting last year, the
TCAs practically bragged about
it), but the supposed high-class
ceremonies are running to join
them. The nail in the award-show
coffin: Ellen Burstyn's Emmy
nomination earlier this year for
a 14-second role. That's like F.
Diddy winning a Grammy for
grunting in the background of his
latest protege's single.
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530 S. Stale Shtee
phone# 734.905 8877
KEANE
They say that every time a bell
rings, and angel gets its wings.
Conversely, every time Keane's
latest video for "Is It Any Won-
der" comes on television, some-
thing very, very terrible happens
to that little angel. There's just
something about this unremark-
able, bland four piece that is
utterly repugnant. Is it the chub-
by, no-talent lead singer? Could
it be the repetitive, vapid lyrics?
Or is it the group's complete and
total lack of originality? We're
not sure. Keane simply encom-
passes everything that is wrong
with music today.
This article originally
ran on Sept. 21, 2006.
(734 668-6022 www.umichigan.bncollege.com
bksu mihsiganu"ohtn@bncollege.com
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