The Michigan Daily - michigandaily.com

"Clueless" meets "Sex and the City" meets "The O.C.

By PAUL TASSI
Daily Film Editor
When you're introduced to a char-
acter named Serena van der Woodsen,
the first thought you have is, "Yeah,
this show is going to piss me off."
* This feeling persists
through much of
the first 10 minutes **'
of "Gossip Girl" as
the camera wades "Gossip
through a sea of Girl"
socialites sipping
Patron and remi- Wednesday
niscing about their at9p.m.
days at Yale. Fortu- The CW
nately, there's a bit
more to the show
than you'd think.
Serena (Blake Lively, "Accepted")
has just returned home after a mys-
terious year-long leave at boarding
school. She's greeted by her old friend
Nate (Chace Crawford, "The Cove-
nant") and his girlfriend - her former
best friend - Blair (Leighton Meester,
"Shark"). Once the town's premiere
party girl, Serena now seems subdued
and unwilling to jump back into her
old life.
In the shadows are Dan (Penn
Badgley, "John Tucker Must Die")

and his freshman sister Jenny (Taylor
Momsen, "Underdog"), two outsiders
sent to the prep school by their for-
mer rock-star father (Matthew Settle,
"Into the West") who wants only the
best education for his kids.
Ready to get confused?
Serena slept with Nate while he
was dating her best friend Blair,
which is why she left town. She never
told Blair why she left, and now
that she's back (because her brother
attempted suicide), the past begins
to reveal itself. Meanwhile, Dan has
had a crush on Serena since elemen-
tary school - yet has never spoken to
her - and his father hooked up with
Serena's mother way back in the day.
All of this drama is captured by a
secretive blogger known as "Gossip
Girl," who updates her website with
to-the-minute news of who's who on
the Upper East Side.
You can tell this show is from the
producers of "The O.C." Unfortu-
nately, the writers are nowhere to be
found.
Although the plot is reasonably
well-scripted, the dialogue dips into
dubious territory too often with ban-
ter like "I thought you said this was
an emergency!"" It is! A fashion emer-
gency!" The phrase "seal the deal," in

reference to sex, is used at least four
times, and in case you weren't sure
how bitchy the bad girl is, it becomes
perfectly clear with lines like, "The
party's on Saturday, but you're not
invited!"
There's also a surprising amount of
attempted rape for a show on the CW.
Like, seriously. All three instances
(the show's only an hour long) are
perpetrated by Nate's asshole friend
Chuck (Ed Westwick, "Children of
Men") who's under the impression
that "no" means "yes" and a kick in the
nuts means "try again in 10 minutes".
"Gossip Girl" does have potential,
and a few moments are reminiscent of
the glory days of "The O.C." One scene
in particular weaves a past hookup, a
present breakup and a sexual assault
together almost seamlessly. Now
they just need to work on what hap-
pens when the characters open their
mouths.
And in case you were wondering,
the backdrop of a mysterious blogger
is nothing more than a gimmick. If
the show wants to survive, someone
should seriously rethink the "hip"
angle they're attempting to under-
take. How to solve the big mystery of
the nameless blogger? Look for the
only one at the party on a laptop.

THE LIT BEHIND THE SHOW
Before "Gossip Girl'the TV show,therewere "Gossip
Girl the novels. Cecilyvon Ziegesar's screamingly
successful series -11 books in total with the12th, a
prequel, due early October - chronicle the lives of
sometime friends/enemies Blair Waldorf and Serena
van der Woodsen and theiradventures with their
respective coteries in New York's Upper EastSide.
They drink, carouse, arrange chartygalas and some-
times evn makeltimelforclass. They ate. at leastlfor
the majority of the series, still high school students
at the elite Constance Billard School for Girls. Other
characters that come and go through novels like
"Don't You Forget About Me" (GG No.11) and "All
I Want Is Everything" inlude foppish poet Daniel
Humphrey (The NewYorker's publication of hispoem,
"Sluts," isa highlight) and Blair'son-and-off-again
boyfriend Nate Archibald (who manages to bed a col-
lege lacrosse recruiter). An online gossipmonger who
goes by the name "Gossip Girl" somehow documents
all of thescandalthat resultsfromthe privilegesof
the privileged. ("Ah" you finally realize.)
In later books, Blair has started schoolatYale, Serena
is busy becoming increasingly famous for being
blonde and beautiful and Nate is now "sailingthe
world." Von Ziegesar, a prepschool survivor herself, is
making roomfor fresh blood by bringingtheformerly
minor characterthe Carlyle triplets into the focus.
-Kimberly Chou

Wednesday, September 26, 2007- 5A
So bad
it's just
o ensive
ou know what offends the shit
out of me? The terrible fucking
music in grocery stores. Sorry for
the cuss words kids,
but I don't want my
rage to be mistaken for
jest. Muzak makes me
want to throw things
and insult strangers.
I don't want to take it
anymore, and neither
should you.
It's not just grocery LLOYDH.
stores and elevators CARGO
playingthatcrappy pap,
either - it's everywhere. Clothing stores,
airports, hospitals (!), restaurants and
(shudder) the mall. Most people can tune
it out, but some of us aren't so lucky - and
we, as people with ears and a modicum of
taste, don't have to put up with it. Is there
someone we can blame for this?
I'm so glad you asked
George Owen Squier, I curse thy name!
The former two-star general developed
the technology, founded the Muzak com-
pany and promptly died the year his prod-
uct was introduced. It would be cruel to
suggest one had to do with the other, but
when Vladimir Nabokov is calling your
company "abominably offensive," you
might have some karma issues. Rest in
schmaltzy peace you saccharine bastard.
Before you get all "studies show music
increases efficiency blah blah blah" on
me, I'd like to point out that just because
music does increase productivity, it
doesn't mean it has to be boring or lame.
In fact, I believe studies have also shown
that Bach and Mozart make babies
smarter. That's good music being put to
good use.
I mean, have you ever been to Aber-
crombie & Fitch, American Eagle or
whatever store teenagers shop at these
days? Yeah, neither have I, but my little
I don't want my
rage to be mistaken
for jest.
sister tells me it's unbearable. Loud blar-
ing techno makes people want to shop?
Maybe it makes them want to shop faster
so they can escape that aural hell, but am
I crazy for thinking that people mightbuy
more junk they don't need if the music
actually makes them want to stick around
for awhile?
It's not like there aren't alternatives.
Mom-and-pop shops seem to get by OK
without fancy muzak systems by, you
know, letting their employees pick the
music. All other issues of convenience
aside, wouldn't you rather go somewhere
with a little personality? The employees
are happier when they don't have to listen
to the same thing over and over. Every-
one wins. I guess sometimes these things
make too much sense.
Instead we geteto hear Kenny G or some
other asselown with a linen suit and a
ponytail play faux-jazz that has no soul.
Some people call it smooth - a word that
could also be used to describe my bowel
movements. Almost as bad is some ran-
dom orchestra playing their cheesy rendi-
tion of a song that was popular 50 years

ago. There's no way any music with the
prefix "Nu" ought to be taken seriously,
and there's no way anything labeled
"adult contemporary" or, God forbid,
"easy listening" ought to be played any-
where, at any time, for any reason (other
than maybe yoga sessions or the dentist's
office, but even then).
And don't you dare confuse new age
with ambient, or Brian Eno is going to
come to your house and ... do something
nasty to you, I don't know. He doesn't
really seem like a mean dude, but whatev-
er. Anyway, ambient is not to be confused
with Ambien - as in it shouldn't put you
to sleep.
But hey, occasionally you'll be at Kroger
and a song from Rubber Soul will come on,
or one cool December night I even heard
Stevie Wonder's "Signed, Sealed, Deliv-
ered" while I was making the difficult
decision between Cocoa Puffs and Count
Chocula. I was so filled with joy and good-
will that I immediately bought five large
Christmas hams and donated them to the
nearest shelter. OK, maybe not, but I did
hear that song and I was pretty excited
about it.
For real though, I don't think anyone
would mind Sam Cooke instead of John
Tesh, or John Coltrane instead of one of
the Brecker Brothers. It's not like I'm
trying to shove Albert Ayler or SunnO)))
down anyone's throats, Ijust want a peace
treaty on this subtly despicable war on our
culture.
- Don't even get Cargo started about
on-hold music. It's a little scary. If you
feel the need totest him on this, you can
e-mail him at Ihcargo@umich.edu.


/

Kids show up
adults in Nation'

EMS

Must be The Bang night at The Blind Pig.

Damned if you do ..0

By MARK SCHULTZ
Daily Arts Writer
CBS's already-infamous new
reality show "Kid Nation" may
invite comparisons to William
Golding's 1954 novel "Lord of
the Flies," but it appears closer to
the 1994 film "Camp Nowhere."
Some of the participants of "Kid
Nation"' - the
sassy redhead,
the bully, the ***'
precocious boy
whokeepsthem "Kid Nation"
all together
- mirror those CBS
of the Christo- Wedat 8p.m.
pher Lloyd film
almost exact-
ly. If I didn't
know any better, I might think
this "reality" was based on that
movie, but that's probably just
wishful thinking.
The premise of "Kid Nation" is
simple and somewhat perverse:
40 kids run their own town,
make their own food and try not
to kill each other for 40 days. The
scant authority of this nation is
in the hands of a.four-youngster
"kid council," which also have
the power to reward a $20,000
gold star to its favorite kid each
week.
The great thing about "Nation"
is that at least some of the drama
is real, because 8-year-old kids
are not good actors. This appears
to be the real deal, and the kids
behave as immaturely as one
would expect: arguing over
who's supposed to do the dishes,
pulling pranks, whining about
homesickness.
But the most memorable
moments of "Nation" come when
the viewer realizes these are the
kids of the 21st century; they are

supposedly selfish and spoiled,
yet when they are forced to run
theirownsociety,theyworktheir
little asses off. Indeed, watching
the chaos turn into coherence
over the course of just an hour
raises an important question: Is
it possible that a group of nar-
row-minded but eager kids could
raise a better village than adults,
whose actions are always fraught
with ulterior motives?
When the "Kid Council" gave
the first star to the unlikable
Sophia - because she spoke her
mind when everyone else was
afraid to - it was a powerful
demonstrationthatthesekids are
not as simple-minded as appear-
ances imply. Like adults, many
of them recognize the valuable
skills of leadership.
Unfortunately, "Kid Nation"
falls into the reality-TV trap of
fillingtime with ultimately point-
less contests. Dividing the kids
into four competing teams is an
interesting sociological experi-
ment, but makingthese teams fill
buckets of water is unnecessary,
even if it recalls "Wild and Crazy
Kids." It's too bad the show pan-
ders to the short-attention span
of most TV viewers by offering
such competitions and spends
inadequate time delving into the
various personalities of the first
reality-show version of "The Lit-
tle Rascals."
Don't expect "Nation" to be
a "Flies"-esque parable of our
own society - it's mostly enter-
tainment. If the viewer can get
over his own moral qualms and
just laugh at the hungry 8-year-
old who made it to the mess hall
just as the last pancake had been
served, he can experience one of
the better reality shows of the
last couple years.

iBy ELIE ZWIEBEL
Daily Arts Writer

Fear and anxiety? Get off of
it. Learn to accept blood, bul-
lets and the sounds of necks
breaking. This is "Resident
Evil: Extinction."
The origi-
nal zombie
films played **
on the Red
Scare-era Resident
containment Evil
anxiety and
other social Extinction
unease, and
it seems At Quality16
there's not and Showcase
much left Screen Gems
for the mod-
ern zombie
movie. While the first "Resi-
dent Evil" - in which a nonde-
script group battles the spread
of an infectious lab-created
viral straincalledthe "T-Virus"
- tapped into this vein a little,
the sequel shifted the series
toward a more action-packed
genre piece. "Extinction" goes
further in the latter direction,
straying from what could have
been a frightening trilogy.
So where "Resident Evil:
Extinction" succeeds as an


action movie, it fails miser-
ably as a zombie-horror flick.
It barely attempts horror at all.
Climaxing violins fill the back-
ground while a weaponless
woman explores a dark room.
Unsurprisingly, a zombie
jumps on the woman. Struggle
ensues, etc., ad nauseam.
After Umbrella Corp., a
nefarious medical and bio-
logical weapons organization,
futilely tries to control a break-
out of the T-Virus in Raccoon
City, the disease-inspiring
reanimation of dead cells and
an unwavering hunger for live
flesh spreads through the Unit-
ed States and then quickly to
the rest of the world. Affecting
more than just humans, most
of the world's resources dry up
and all land becomes desert.
A few survivors find them-
selves constantly on the move
so as not to attract flesh preda-
tors. Alice (Milla Jovovich,
"Ultraviolet") is both tracking
and beingtracked by Umbrella.
She has been a test subject, and
she wants revenge, as well as
to end corrupt experimenta-
tion that violates the right to
life and propagates the deadly
outbreak. It's a stretch. But it's
a video game adaptation, soit's


OK, right?
Speaking of which, the
structure is straight video.
Alice progresses level through
level, encountering new chal-
lenges, overcoming more
obstacles and eventually meet-
ing up with an ultimate baddy
boss of the game. I mean movie.
Whatever.
Jovovich's athletic-model
physique is exploited to the
point of boredom. Flying kicks
fromrooftops reveal her never-
ending legs until they meet the
face of a gaunt and malnour-
ished ghoul. Plenty of close-ups
emphasize her hypnotic eyes,
which also indicate her strug-
gling with whatever computer
chip is in her brain.
And herein lies the redeem-
ing aspect of what should be a
scarier movie: Alice is battling
the evils inside. Over the course
of three movies, she can't seem
to conquer this demon inside
that keeps her alive but also
leads to destruction. She is the
key to Umbrella's studies; even
her sacrifice fuels Umbrella's
experiments. Damned if you
do, damned if you don't. So
really, you might as well - and
blow some shit up along the
way.


MORE ONLINE
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