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Wednesday, September 19, 2007 - The Michigan Daily 5B
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The virus you didn't know you had
Serious viruses are astonishingly common, and even if you
haven't had sex, you're likely to contract at least a few before
you graduate. Just hope you get one of the harmless ones.
What Ilearned about
online dating
Misadventures in the world of e-dating, cyber
hookups and Craigslist personals
You've likely had a herpes out-
break. Chances are it happened
when you were very young. Maybe
you were outside at recess when
you first got that tingling itch. You
thought it was just a bug bite, so
you scratched it and went about
your business, touched some other
people. Before long, there were
little red bumps all over your body
driving you crazy with itchiness
and you and your friends all had to
stay home from school.
You knew it then as chicken
It doesn't get much better than
Benniaan's!
pox, but you're old enough to
handle the truth. You were actu-
ally infected with the herpesvirus
varicella-zoster, and it still lives
inside you, waiting for an oppor-
tunity to reemerge as shingles on
the surface of your skin. This isn't
to be confused with a herpes
simplex virus which - as Dr.
Robert Winfield, director of
the University Health Service,
explained to me with graphic
photographs - is the sexu-
ally transmitted disease more
readily associated with the
name herpes, but they're both
from the same family.
That's only one of the par-
asitic non-living yet non-dead
entities.that you're living with.
Humans have snippets of ancient
About 80 percent
of people will
encounter the
virus HPV.
viruses our ancestors had to deal
with scattered throughout our
genomes, as well as DNA antibody
codes for viruses we've encoun-
tered in this lifetime.
In fact, if you look at the human
genome and compare the amount
of human DNA with the amount of
viral DNA, we are mope virus than
we are human.
They're all around us. But
how close are viruses really? The
Statement looked at the preva-
lence of viruses as recorded by
the University Health Service,
and found out how many people
on campus actually have common
viruses right now.The results are
surprising.
See VIRUSES, Page 9B
YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO THE
CELEBRATION OF LIFE FOR
RHETAUGH GRAVES DU MAS,
PHD, RN, FAAN
1928-2007
VICE PROVOST E2MERITA, DEAN EMERITA AND
LUCILLE COLE PROFESSOR OF NURSING AT THE
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SCHOOL OF NURSING
SEPTEMBER 21, 2007 AT 3:30 P.M.
RACKHAM AUDITORIUM, UNIVERSITY OF
MICHIGAN
WANT TO WRITE FOR
THE STATEMENT?
Think you've got what it takes to write new rules for campus? Select the party of the week?
Write a Personal Statement?
'm bored. It's 1in the afternoon
on Friday. I don't have class. I
don't have plans tonight. I like
women. And I think I'd like to see
one, tonight. Unwilling to miss the
rest of the episode of "The Dog
Whisperer" I'm watching, I turn to
the closest thing to me. My laptop.
That's right, we're online dating:
an endless sea of Internet loneli-
ness stretches out before me. The
first site I try is iamfreetonight.
com. I happen to be looking for a
date for tonight, so this looks like
it could be massively convenient.
Let's see, male seeking female ages
18 to 25 within five miles of Ann
Arbor. Search.
Nothing.
Nothing at 10 miles, 15 miles,
25 miles. Am I the only lonely per-
son in this city? What's going on?
Finally, at 50 miles I find a result.
As I click on her I realize that I've
found Marilyn Manson's long lost
twin sister. The expression she
wears is half rage, half seduction
and 100 percent disturbing. She
lives in Gross Isle and likes to keep
"bussy."
Match.com is legitimate, right?
They have ads on TV where people
get married and smile and stare at
each other. Why can't that be me?
Well, ever notice how the people on
those ads are old? Yeah, here's the
thing. If you're college age and can't
meet someone in class, on campus,
at a party or at a bar, chances are
you're extremely unappealing or so
horny that the first four locations
can't contain you.
As I sift through the pages of
potential dates for tonight, I'm
blown away by some of the entries.
One girl proudly proclaims "im in
collage." Another has posted a pic-
ture of herself in a wedding dress.
My brain hurts.
To put it mildly, I'd say, "The
majority of these girls are not my
type." Why would you post a pic-
ture of yourself with vampire teeth
and fake blood dripping out of your
mouth? And why would you pose
in your bra and panties when your
legs and the edge of a razor appear
to be mortal enemies?
At long last, ahot girl!I'm excit-
ed. I click on her. She's on her bed,
wearing a sexy negligee and she
claims "youve never seen how i do
it." This is like finding a gold nug-
get in a river of toxic waste. This
girl could be a model. Actually,
this photo looks professionally
taken. Wait ... this is a model. And
she's on match.com. This isn't a
real person. It's just someone so
desperate they've taken a photo
from FHM and posted it as their
own. But just in case that's not
true, she still gets a "Hi ;)" mes-
sage. Send.
My prospects for the night are
looking dim. I try a few more rec-
ommendations. Gk2gk.com, where
gk stands for "geek." I can pretend
I'm an engineer. I already said I
was a professional windsurfer in
my match.com profile, so why not?
I look around for about 10 minutes.
It's the same crop as my previous
attempts, except now everyone's
wearing glasses.
OKcupid.com looks more pro-
fessional than the other sites. I
hit "quick match" because time is
running short for my date night to
To find your
prince or princess
online, you'll have
to scroll through a
lot of frogs.
happen. I'm immediately linked to
a 34-year-old woman from Buda-
pest, Hungary. I'm tempted, but
I think I might be too cranky to
make a good impression after the
flight.
I'm on Craigslist. This is it. We've
hit rock bottom. Craigslist hookups
are so shameful. No one even wants
to post a picture of themselves,
See DATING, Page 10B
E-mail us at
theStatement@umich.edu
or stop by our offices at 420 Maynard
Street.
PHOTOS BY SHAY SPANIOLA/Daily