d the ONION
OPINION

VOLUME 43 ISSUE 00 7

You Will Know Love

By Smoove B
Love Man
Erase all doubt from your mind, for tonight,
you will know love. Let me tell you how I am
going to lay it dowu.
This afternoon, while you are on lunch
break, I will have a handpicked team of florists
cover your desk at work with a mixture of sen-
suous-smelling rose petals. They will also
leave a note reading, "Girl, you are most fine. I
will pick you up at 8." This will show you and
your coworkers that Smoove is the man for
you, as well as give you a glimpse into the per-
sonal attention I will lavish on you later that
evening.
I will also instruct the delivery person to
wait and clean the flowers off your desk when
you are done looking at them, so that you can
continue with your work day.
At precisely 8 o'clock, I will arrive in a pearl-
white car to pick you up and transport us to
dinner at the city's finest European restau-
rant. I will tell the driver to take the most ro-
mantic, scenic route possible to the restau-
rant. On the way, I will have a sterling-silver
thermos filled with hot chocolate from the
Swiss chocolate region. If it is too hot for you,
I will blow on it until it is the correct
temperature.
When you have finished the cocoa, I will
take the empty cup away from you and pack
up the thermos. I will then nuzzle your neck
and whisper complimentary remarks into
your ear, including, "You are more beautiful
than a thousand lakes," "You are extremely
special to me," and "Your bone structure be-

longs in a museum." This will make you wet.
Damn, girl. I want to get freaky with you
right now on my desk. I want to ride you like a
bronco.
When we arrive at the expensive European
restaurant, the owner will greet me warmly
and comment positively on your attire. He will
then personally lead us to a private table I
have specially selected for our evening to-
gether. As we browse the menu, I will inform
you that if multiple appetizers are your wish, I
can make that wish come true.
When the appetizers arrive, I will feed them
to you with my hands, which Iwill have hand-
I will then nuzzle your neck and
whisper complimentary remarks
into your ear, including, "You are
more beautiful than a thousand
lakes." This will make you wet.
washed with special anti-bacterial soap to en-
sure their cleanliness. You will then eat an en-
tree of your choice and a dessert. While we
eat these various foods, we will discuss your
fineness and also your hopes and dreams for
the future. This will make you feel closer to
me and, as a result, make you want to sex me
wild.
After the meal, we will forgo transportation
and walk the five blocks back to my apart-
ment, because the night will be so fragrant
and beautiful. I will hold your hand and stroke
your wrist lightly with my thumb. As we ap-
proach my apartment, I will pull you close,
and it will feel right. It will feel like we are two
interlocking pieces of a sexy panther jigsaw
puzzle.

AMERICAN VOIC
Studies show that
students are abus
If the moon is full, I will point it out to you. drugs like Addera
When we reach my penthouse, I will remove study. What do yo
your shoes and kiss you passionately for five --
to ten minutes. Just when you think you are
going crazy with desire, I will lead you to my
large, circular bathtub. There, I will strip you
down and place your naked body gently into
the perfectly warm water. Then, I will wash
you with a towel of my choosing. Make no
mistake, it will be the perfect towel for your
beautiful body, fitting your every luscious
contour. If the scented perfumes I have placed Ed Wills
in your bath water are not to your liking, I will Driver
drain the tub and we will start over. But they
will not be incorrect, so we will not have to. I
know you, girl.k
After I have dried and moisturized you, I will
comb your hair. If, while combing your hair, I
you would like me to comb either faster orI
harder, please say so. While I am doing this
combing, you will think you will know love,
but Smoove is ready to take you to the next
level.
This is when Smoove will lead you to his Danielle Carlson
canopy bed. Keith Sweat will be playing on my Novelist
bedroom stereo, creating the perfect mood
for us to freak all night. And freak all night is
what we shall do. Between freakings, we will
laugh and tell stories, and I will rub your neck
and back. Then we will freak again. This will
go on until the break of dawn.
Damn.
When you wake up, I will make you French
toast. If French toast is not what you desire, I
will find another nationality of toast that suits
you. I will not rest until I find this perfect na- Stephen Underh
tionality of toast, even if I have to swim all the Lawyer
way to Austria for it. After I find and make the
toast, and you eat it, we will freak once more. .
This is how the evening will go. This is how
you will know love.
Smoove out. 0

ES
more and more college
ing prescription ADHD
ll and Ritalin to help them
qu think?
"Slippage in grades is
a sure sign your child
may not be on drugs."

"Taking Ritalin to study
is very dangerous. If
you let your focus
drift, you'll spend the
night scrubbing your
telephone."
"Hell, I don't blame
them. Back in law
school, I had to take
all kinds of drugs just
to be able to appreci-
ate art and music."
"These drugs help
them study? Wow.
Turns out drugs aren't
cool after all."

I'm The Life Of The Search Party!

By Billy K. Duane
In the unforgiving mountain terrain, each
action can be a life-or-death decision, and ev-
ery single person must be focused on his as-
*signed responsibility. Carlos is a world-class
expert on belaying ropes. Joe is an emergency
field-rescue medical technician with more
than 20 years' experience working in danger-
ously high altitudes. Brian is an expert at co-
ordinating communications between the re-
con helicopters and the ground team. Me? I'm
the life of the search party.
- Everybody brings his own special set of
skills to the table with a team like this. I'm the
clown. I bring morale-building goofy antics.
When word came in that the authorities were
organizing a rescue effort for those two miss-
ing couples, I was the first to show up-wear-
ing Hawaiian shorts and a "Search Party Na-
ked" T-shirt.
Somehow, I was the only one who thought
to bring beer. Our team coordinator, Russell,
said it isn't good to consume alcohol at this
altitude. I said, "C'mon, Russ-a couple drunk
recon dudes are the least of these hikers' wor-
ries. Given the condition they'll be in if they're
ever found, they're gonna need a drink." And
then I totally popped open a foamer.
Facts are facts-temperatures this far above
the tree line can climb to more than 100 de-

grees in the midday sun and plummet to hy-
pothermia-inducing levels at night. The fear
that the missing hikers are nothing more than
bird-pecked, desiccated corpses huddled in
some rocky outcropping weighs on all of us.
Which is where I come in with my one-liners,
quips, and puns. Somebody's gotta break the
tension by yelling "Ricola!"
Yesterday at nightfall, we got word from the
rangers that a storm was moving in. We had no
choice but to call off the search until sun-up.
Carlos was furious. He started swearing, say-
When word came in that the
authorities were organizing a
rescue effort for those two
missing couples, I was the first
to show up-wearing Hawaiian
shorts and a "Search Party
Naked" T-shirt.
ing, "They'll never make it through the night!"
I could tell the stress was getting to him, so I
made one of my trademark irreverent remarks:
"Yeah? Well, if we don't head back down this
mountain ourselves, we'll never make it back
in time to score at the ski-lodge bar. And if that
happens, I'm gonna die!"
Or there was that time when I came around
that ridge and saw Carlos heading toward me
from the other direction, and I hid behind a

Surgeon
shrub and cried out, "Help me! I'm blind! Birds
ate my eyes!" Then I stumbled into view, pre-
tended to trip on some loose stones, and "It turns ou
faked breaking my femur. Nobody really ingredient
laughs out loud at my pratfalls, but I under- all is dexti
stand that participating in a race against time amine. So
can cause a lot of psychological strain. Re- years, lon
peatedly referring to the missing parties as ers haveb
"cougar food" is the perfect way to ease the untapped
stress. resource?
You can't expect everyone in a search party Scott Wolman
to feel upbeat. Some of my fellow rescuers Cashier
have gone without sleep for 36 hours. But
even if they don't laugh, or smile, or acknowl-
edge me, I know my clowning is crucial. When "When Iwa
everyone else's sense of humor fails, I'm there didn't hav
to construct a big "S.O.S." sign out of logs, and help us st
then another one below it that says "NOT!" wanted to
Somebody's gotta have the foresight to save grades, w'
the coffee grounds from morning base camp choice bu
and slip them into Joe's sandwich for a hilari- getting dr
ous lunch prank six hours later. It seems I'm
the only one who even thinks of making fart Dana Williams
noises over the emergency distress-call wave- Personal Shopper
length to crack up the boys back at the ranger
station. Just think of how those poor guys
must feel, watching the hours tick away as Letters Poicy
they sit there with the victims' tearful The Onion neither publishes nor accepts
families. readers. It is he Onion's editorial policy
I'm not saying what I do is easy, but when I ers shall have no voice whatsoever and t
see the pressure my fellow search-party work- newspaper shall be solely a one-way coed
ers are under, even if I'm not in a funny mood, tion. The editorial page is reserved for th
I pull myself together, put on a silly face, and of the newspaper staff to advance whate
start singing "Doo Wah Diddy" like Bill Murray agendn it sees fit. or, in certain cases, for
did in Stripes. It's the least I can do for my fel- als by the business community.
low man. 0

ut the main
it n Adder-
roamphet-
all these
g-haul truck-
been a vast,
intellectual
as a kid, we
'e drugs to
udy. If we
get good
re had no
it to stop
runk."

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