4 FEBRUARY 2007
04 the ONION
FEBRARY 097 the NIO
PEOPLE
EXTRA Cheap Garbage Disposal Can't Handle Femur page 7c
Best Friends Make Eye Contact While Singing Along To 'Summer Lovin' page 13A
Native Bostonians Unable
To Defend Land From
Invading College Students
BOSTON-The now-monthlong invasion
carried out by more than 200,000 college stu-
dents who bombarded this normally quiet,
historic city has forced native Bostonians to
relinquish their rights as citizens and settle
into a new life under occupation.
"This was clearly a highly coordinated oper-
ation that had been in the planning stages for
months, and in some cases, years," said Bos-
ton Mayor Thomas Menino, who has urged
calm among the city's residents. "I regret not
reading the warning signs when thousands of
them showed up last spring, scouting our
highest-profile sites. But Bostonians are a re-
silient bunch, and we will do what we can to
carry on with our lives as normal."
With a convoy of U-Hauls containing sup-
plies that will likely sustain them at least until
the start of the holiday season, the students
first took over the streets of nearby Cam-
bridge. After gaining control of residential ar-
eas in Harvard and Kenmore Squares, they
crossed the Charles River into the city's ad-
ministrative and financial-aid centers, seizing
control of the waterways and Boston's Green
and Red subway lines. Student infiltration of
technical laboratories and research facilities
in the downtown area all but ensured that
they would be able to subvert and eventually
dominate the communication and engineer-
ing capabilities of this city of 600,000.
"These are highly motivated young people,
some of them from foreign countries, with the
resources and the desire to take over entire
industries," Menino said. "And there's no
doubt they were working with someone on
the inside to get this kind of access."
With their concentration in liberal-arts col-
leges spreading from a centralized location to
the outlying suburban areas, the students
have made certain that they will maintain a
constant presence in all parts of the city.
"There are just too many of them," said 59-
year-old Somerville native Jonathan Walsh,
who admitted that his tiny militia's tactics of
eye-rolling, scoffing, and yelling from their
cars at the occupiers has been a useless at-
tempt to stifle the blitz. "They've completely
taken over the restaurants, the parks, the con-
cert halls, everything. It doesn't feel like this
is our city anymore."
"I can't even walk around at night," said 34-
year-old Jamaica Plain-born Meagan Gallagh-
er, who added that she must now show her ID
before gaining entry to "any little bar in the
city," since the students arrived. "And with
them getting discounts on movies, food, and
books, it's like I'm a second-class citizen."
The invaders have also managed to effec-
tively take control of the airwaves, subjecting
the natives to an eclectic mix of experimental,
discordant music, and long, drawn-out politi-
cal manifestos.
"Over and over again, it's the same strange
Members of the first wave of intruders, taking control of Government Center earlier this month.
songs and public-service announcements," ing from, but some outside source is funneling
said East Boston resident Joe Kirkpatrick, 57. money to these groups," Soisson said. "Who
"It's torture, in a way, is what it is." can compete with that kind of spending?"
Other residents are complaining that the in- Added Soisson: "Things were just so much
vading forces, far from merely being a nui- more peaceful before they showed up."
sance, are standing in the way of their basic Reports indicate that Soisson may not see a
constitutional rights to life and liberty, decline in student numbers in the near future:
Matthew Soisson, 39-year-old husband and While many are scheduled to return home in
father of four, said he was forced out of his May, a fresh group of newly enlisted students
three-bedroom home by the vastly better- will likely be deployed to relieve them in the
funded students. "I don't know where it's com- fall. 0
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