2 FEBRUARY 2007

0' the ONIO1i

2 FEBRUARY 2007 f4the ONIO~


NATIONAL
NEWS IN BRIEF
Description Of Hot-Dog Ingredients
Fails To Ruin Picnic
EVERETT, WA-Try as he might, Matt Cot-
tone was unable to spoil appetites at Jack
Pierson's Memorial Day picnic. "The absolute
worst meat goes into hot dogs-animal parts
that oughta be thrown away-and then they
pump it full of nitrates and sodium and dyes,"
Cottone said as his friends eagerly devoured
Oscar Mayer franks. "You might as well be
drinking embalming fluid. How can you do
that to your body?" After explaining that the
meat in hot dogs comes from "cheeks and ass-
es" several times to no effect, Cottone gri-
maced at the plate of hot dogs and wandered
off toward the beer cooler
Double-Entendre Doesn't Stand Up
To Scrutiny
BALTIMORE-Though the risqu6 comment
provoked giggles from coworkers, a double-
entendre made by Natural Land Foods cashier
Don Mallard Monday failed to hold up upon
examination, linguistics expert Randolph Cox
said. "The group was thoroughly pleased
when Don told Gary [Pickard], 'I'll bet you'll
water her plants while she's away,"' Cox said.
"But let's look at the phrase 'while she's away.'
If she's not physically present, how could sex-
ual relations occur between Gary and his at-
tractive young female neighbor?" Cox called
Mallard's attempt at wordplay "a good try."
Dollar Losing Value Against The
Quarter
NEW YORK-After falling 6 percent in the
past three weeks, the U.S. dollar hit a 208-year
low against the U.S. quarter, which had been
valued at exactly 0.25 dollars since its introduc-
tion in 1796. "The dollar continues to slide

against most major currencies," Morgan Stan- INFOGRAPHIC
ley analyst Richard Jemison said. "At the end of
the day Tuesday, the quarter was trading at
.267 yen, .203 euros, and US$0.28. But what g I
we're really seeing here is not just a dollar
weakened by a sluggish economy, but an excep- T- -
tionally resilient quarter-dollar." Jemison was
quick to point out that the dollar remains very
strong against the nickel.
Guitar-Instruction Manual Has to facilita1
Eddie Van Halen On Cover, 'Go Tell
Aunt Rhody' Inside Building
ELIZABETH, NJ-Rock The House In 30 Days, heartburr
a beginner-level guitar-instruction manual
published by Elizabeth-based Learn-2-Play
Books, features superstar rocker Eddie Van Changing
Halen in the midst of a raging guitar solo on gowns to
the cover, and such traditional, public-domain
songs as "Go Tell Aunt Rhody," "Greensleeves"
and "Little Brown Jug" inside. "Get started on Adding pt
your way to playing awesome, brain-frying gui- patients 'f
tar solos like the master shredders," the cover
proclaims. According to music-book collec-
tors, the contents of Rock The House are iden- r Hiring for
tical to those of the classic 1943 guitar-instruc- contestar
tion manual Strum Gaily The Met Bay Way.
Opium-Inspired Ad Executive Piping "Ba
Composes Epic Tums Jingle all physici
CHICAGO- An eight-hour opium binge re-
sulted in a towering work of advertising Sun-
day, when DDB Needham copywriter Brian Placing pi
Lisi gave birth to an epic 400-line radio jingle
for Tums. "When Vulcan's fires spout and rage
/ within a roiling acid sea / let work the sooth-
ing tablet Tums / The Hell-sear'd forge within of laughte
becomes / sweet alkaloid esprit," the jingle
begins before detouring into iceberg imagery
believed to represent Tums' new "Cool Relief"
flavor. The ad, which begins production in
June, is expected to run nearly 90 minutes. STAT OT

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