Wrestling Announcer
Can't Believe What
He's Seeing
SPORTS, page IOE
War On String May
Be Unwinnable, Says
Cat General
NATIONAL, page 4D
the ONION
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Child's Last Steps
Captured On Video
LOCAL, page 7A
33 49
Break out your ascots!
Copyright 02007 Onion, Inc. All Righs Rervsed
February 2007 1 Volume 43 Issue 00
Hamster Thrown From Remote-Control Monster Truck
MILTON, MA-Tragedy was nar- Little People.
rowly averted in the Bourke The scene quickly devolved into
household Monday, when Harry, pandemonium, with the launched
the family's pet hamster, was vio- hamster tumbling humorously in
lently thrown from the 4" by 4" mid-air several times before land-
payload of a toy Ford ing at the foot of the
F-350 monster truck. sofa and fleeing in
According to re- a shock. A frantic, liv-
ports, the toy vehicle ing-room-wide search
was racing through a for Harry ensued and,
living-room obstacle after extensive search
course-which in- efforts behind the
cluded a coffee-table- sofa, under the reclin-
coaster slalom, a card- er, and behind the
board ramp, and a Harry, family pet hamster bookcase, the ham-
Dixie-cup pyramid-when it ster was found between the verti-
swerved out of control and cal blinds and the sliding glass
crashed into a Lincoln Log struc- door, shaken but alive.
ture, sending the hamster flying As of press time, Harry was rest-
through the monster truck's driv- ing in his cage, his condition de-
er-side window and knocking scribed as "skittish but stable."
over three nearby Fisher-Price "This is a tremendous shock,"
said Bourke next-door neighbor
Paula Gates upon learning of the
mishap. "Harry is well-liked by all
the neighborhood children, and
for his life to be jeopardized in
this manner is terribly upsetting."
Parental investigators have de-
termined that the toy's two opera-
tors, whose names are being with-
held duetotheirages, successfully
navigated the monster truck
through the obstacle course nu-
merous times before adding the
hamster in an attempt to increase
the activity's entertainment val-
ue. If found guilty, the boys, 7 and
9, could be sentenced to an eve-
ning in their rooms and fines of up
to two weeks' allowance.
The accident's cause has been
the subject of much debate. While
see HAMSTER, page 6
Wedding-Reception DJ's Choice
Of 'Strokin" Proves Controversial
NORFOLK, VA-The Norfolk Best
Western was gripped by controversy
late Saturday, when DJ Tim Doblewicz
played the randy Clarence Carter hit
"Strokin"' at the Schuller-Randolph
wedding reception, upsetting a num-
ber of the event's more reserved
Sguests.
"The energy on the dance floor was
really high, and I wanted to keep it go-
ing with another fun one," said Doble-
wicz, a part-time employee of Norfolk
based Funtime Dee-Jays Unlimited. "I
was considering doing 'Electric Slide'
or maybe even YM.C.A.' one more
*ime, but instead I'decided to go with
'Strokin'.'"
"I honestly never expected it to
cause any trouble," Doblewicz said of
the moderately salacious 1986 song,
in which Carter boasts of stroking it to
the east, stroking it to the west, and,
ultimately, stroking it to the woman
that he loves the best.
Because an overwhelming majority
of those on the dance floor responded
to "Strokin"' with cheers, Doblewicz
said he "had no idea" that the song
had created a stir until several min-
utes later, when he was approached
by the bride's father, Warren
Randolph.
Randolph asked Doblewicz to "keep
t clean from now on," informing him
fat the song had bothered some of
the guests. Particularly disturbed,
Randolph said, was 81-year-old grand-
mother of the bride Loretta Munns,
who demanded that Doblewicz be
"dismissed this very minute."
"I could not believe that someone
Nation Sickened By Sight
Of Happy Young Couple
Onion Trends Desk
OAK PARK IL--Though
sharply divided on the
war on terror and domes- a A
tic controversies such as
abortion, drugs, and gay
marriage, Americans are
in almost unanimous
agreement over one issue:
that Oak Park, IL couple
Dave Petrun and Julie
DeSimone are totally
sickening.
"It's like they think
they're the first couple to x
ever fall in love in the his-
tory of space and time,"
said Boston resident Alli-
son Clark, one of millions
of people who say they
want to shoot themselves
in the face after observing The happiest goddam couple in the whole world.
the tender relationship between Monday, a significant majority of
Petrun, 28, and DeSimone, 25, Americans believe the couple's
evolve over the last four persistent displays of affection,
months- which include almost constant
According to an ABC News- hand-holding, mutual giggling,
Washington Post poll released see NATION, page 6
LOCAONION NEWS ONLINE
Discerning Burglar Leaves onion.com
GameCube page 5B
would play that type of song at an
event celebrating the sacred union of
two people before the eyes of God,"
Munns said. "A wedding reception is
not the place to be stroking it to the
east, west, south, or any direction
whatsoever."
Munns was not the only attendee
upset by "Strokin'."
"I don't ordinarily dance, but Warren
dragged me out to do the Chicken
Dance," said Eileen Swearingen, 76,
the bride's great aunt. "Well, that was
fine, but after that song ended, a very
dirty one came on. I couldn't make out
all the words, but at one point, the
man sang, 'When I start makin' love, I
don't just make love-I be strokin'.' I
tried to get off the dance floor and
back to my table, but I could barely
fight my way through the crowd. It
was awful."
Badly shaken, Swearingen informed
husband Warren and several others
seated near her at table seven that she
does not know if she will ever set foot
on a dance floor again.
Richard Almond, a longtime friend
of the groom's family, was dancing
with hisfive-year-old daughterthrough
most of "Strokin'." It was only upon
hearing the line, "Have you ever made
love in the back seat of a car?" that Al-
mond realized Carter was saying
"strokin'," not "smokin'." A red-faced
Almond immediately left the floor,
daughter in tow.
see STROKIN', page 6
I
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Grandma Had Another Fall,
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