The Michigan Daily - michiganclaily.com
Tthe b-side} Thursday, February 8, 2007 - 3B
I t's bar time.
HOW TO MAXIMIZE YOUR BAR
EXPERIENCE AS SIMPLY AS POSSIBLE.
By ANDREW SARGUS KLEIN
and WHITNEY DIBO
What time is the right time?
Timing is everything. It's an age-old
adage and it especially concerns your initial
appearance at the bar. Your arrival need not
be solely based on your inexhaustibly sexy
aura, it's also a practical issue. Too early
either means you're there for the long haul
(which is, admittedly, badass) or you have
no sense of propriety. Too late means you're
standing in a horrific line, freezing your ass
off in the sub-zero weather. There's no need
for over-the-top entrances - just let your
coolness wash over the room. 10 pin. is a tad
early. 11:45 p.m. is definitely pushing it.
Look, this might be a tired argument,
but it begs repeating. Everyone knows it's
freezing outside. Ifyou're wearingthat mini
denim skirt with flip-flops, the only reason
you'll be turning heads is because every-
one knows you're enduring frost bite just
to show off a bit of cleavage. Dressing for
warmth and comfort doesn't automatically
cancel out sexiness. Wool skirts, stockings,
leather boots - it's not hard. Don't remind
us all how fucking cold it is.
On the other hand, hitting up your favor-
ite bar in your favorite hoodie and sweat-
pants isn't exactly a declaration of sexiness,
either. We're not saying bust out your Ken-
neth Cole duds every night of the week,
but at least take off that yellow Michigan
sweatshirt you wore to class all day. Take
stock of your wardrobe: Button-ups beat
fleeces. Fleeces beat jerseys.
Those red pumps may make you feel like
What a happy crowd. Too bad they're violating every rule in the (Daily Arts) book.
a million bucks at 10 p.m., but four hours of your comfort zone (the 4/4 boom-boom- WHAT YOUR DRINK SAYS ABOUT
later you're not going to enjoy the walk kah-boom-boom-boom-kah), leave it.
home from the Heidelberg in three-inch You're only shooting yourself in the foot if YOU:
heels. Straight up. Besides, no one's looking you can't handle a walking bassline.
at your feet in a dark, crowded bar. Jackets If you find yourself in a "nice" bar, con- Beer: Cheap meansyou're cheap. Beware: Know what
can be annoying, so definitely spring for the versation is key. But factor in the noise. you're drinking. You'll look like a tool if you have no idea
dollar coat check. Missing a week of class Don't start a conversation with "Well, how to talk about your expensive beer.
because of a high fever and ragged cough Nietzsche had it right all along." Keep it Whiskey sour: Yeah, it tastes fine, but man-up and
just isn't worth it. siriple while exuding confidence. You're drink your whiskey straight (on the rocks isfine, too).
there for the drinks and the atmosphere. If And, it's a summer drink,
Making the first move: she happens to be hooked on your charm, Gin and tonic: Baller (double points if it's with Bombay
If you're in a club, odds are she won't be so much the better. Sapphire).
able to hear anything you say outside of If you're in a sleazy bar, aim for bois- Cosmopolitan: No.
"HEY!" and "HELLO!" Your only recourse terously drunk conversations. Everyone's Martini: Careful where you order. Three bad martinis
might be grinding up against her, occasion- there to get completely soused, so it's all equals one bad night.
ally yelling "YOU LOOK GREAT!" and the about the vibe. A serious demeanor will Shots: Remember, the more you take the less likely it is
like. Dancing is clutch, obviously, but don't be met with confusion and eventual scorn. that you'll care who you throw up on and/or make out
overextend yourself. if the beat is outside Keep it simple. with.
You see? Stick to buttons. No hoodies.
Dane Cook? Not so much.
By ELIE ZWIEBEL
Dane Cook is to comedy what
Rachel Leigh Cook is to comedy. He
didn't always suck, but over the past
seven years he's managed to become
one of the most overrated comics
Flash back to 2000. As we
embraced puberty and realized the
beauty of the opposite sex, we also
discovered Comedy Central. We
couldn't quite grasp newly hired
faux-news anchor Jon Stewart, but
that didn't deter us from laughing
at what we understood to be funny.
"South Park" was in its third season
- and while we can reassess epi-
sodes and recognize deeper social
commentary, we enjoyed the show
for its rips on Canada. In middle
school, we were somewhere in
between Nickelodeon humor, think-
ing poop jokes were the shit - pun
intended - and appreciating satire.
Luckily, Comedy Central discov-
ered a stand-up comic who could
pander to our callow comedic needs.
On June 28, 2000, we were intro-
duced to a tonally challenged syn-
and pretentious rock star.
In the longest season of "Com-
edy Central Presents," Dane Cook
appeared in a talented line-up of
comicsincludingLewis Black, Mitch
Hedberg and Jim Gaffigan. Cook
was challenged to bring something
fresh to the table. Fortunately, Cook
delivered with mildly entertaining
pokes at religion, social norms and
a fantastic impression of Giger's
aliens. This was a glance toward
the new horizon of comedy. Cook
pranced around, delivering witty
punch lines and exposing his deep
passion for wantingto travel in time
to the point of his conception so he
could'slap his dad on the ass.
The year is 2007. At 34, Dane
Cook has had roles in more than 10
films. He's recently signed a deal
with HBO to direct and star in his
own Comedy series "Dane Cook's
Tourgasm." He's also hosted Satur-
day Night Live, has two successful
comedy albums and has thus sub-
stantiated my claim that he's one of
the most overrated comedians ever.
Many Dane Cook defenders will
say critics are jealous of his popular-
ity. Here's a brief lesson in "popu-
larity": *Nsync, Hanson, Roseanne,
National Socialists, Dane Cook, etc.
There's a common thread within
this list. None of these people or
groups bothered to develop their
shtick. Cook's boringly stagnarnt act
can be assessed on two levels - his
movies and his stand-up.
Cook takes it a step further with
his unique ability to bring co-stars
down with him: Matt Damon, Greg
Kinnear (who made the mistake
twice), Ben Stiller, William H. Macy.
Based on how mere association
with Cook has been deleterious to
careers, one can only help butworry
for Steve Carrel, who is set to co-star
with Cook in the upcoming release
of "Dan in Real Life."
Cook has been typecast as a
pompous ashole - which cor-
relates with his persona on stage.
Cook's absence from the writing
process for his movies also parallels
his act. Cook has stolen jokes nearly
verbatim from peers including Jim
Gaffigan and Steve Martin.
George Carlin, who recently per-
formed at The Michigan Theater,
suggests that jokes are funny when
they possess an element of surprise.
Dane Cook is past
his prime. Wait,
when was that?
Hopping across the stage, Cook
physically embodies the flow of his
Cook tends to propagate stereo-
types. Unlike Dave Chappelle or
Richard Pryor, Cook doesn't really
pull off risqu6 ethnic jokes success-
fully. Take note of Cook poking fun
at African Americans who are loud
in movie theaters. Although comedy
should make us laugh, it should also
make us think and he doesn't.
Cook may actually be telling it
like it is when he explains that our
generation is an indifferent group
of sex-crazed nitwits. In which
Despitesow much we've changed I IF
over nearly a decade, Dane Cook
hasn't. Perhaps the true test of a
good stand-up comedian is the abil-
ity to endure. Comics like Robin
Williams, Eddie Murphy, George
Carlin, and Richard Pryor all with-
stood the test of time. Their routines
are just as funny now as they were
20 years ago, and they'll be just as
funny 20 years from now.
Until Dane Cook can produce
jokes that are innovative and sub-
stantive, you should stop showing
off your collection of 100 recorded
tracks and abstain from hosting the
monthly "Vicious Circle" night. No
matter how funny you might think
Cook is, you'll never be able to laugh
at his own jokes as much as he does.
- Jesse Bean contributed
to this article.
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