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OK. So I inhaled.
/anderMi
Irecently realized that 20 years is too long
to go without a smoke. For years, my curi-
osity had been quelled by the grotesque
posters in high school, the harrowing public
service announcements and the stern warn-
ings of my parents, which included phrases
like disease, permanent stench, financial ruin
and certain homelessness. So I stayed the
hell away from cigarettes. I was loath to even
touch one. In my senior year of high school
and freshman year at the University, when
I was experimenting with different ways to
infuriate my father, I never inhaled, lest Iend
up tongueless on the street warbling warn-
ings like that cowboy on television.
But I always knew I was missing out on
something.
People I respected smoked: friends, movie
stars, literary heroes, Barack Obama. And is
there really any better way to decipher the
answers to life's persistent questions than
mulling them over with a pipe hanging out
of your mouth?
I started with cigars. I smoked my first sto-
gie at a party on East University Avenue last
week.AndIunderstood quickly whysmokers
balk at the country's increasingly stringent
antismoking laws. Standing on the porch in
23-degree weather, I tried to concentrate on
my friend's advice not to inhale or swallow
the smoke but still puff enough to keep the
cigar alight. Some people at the party were
amused (looking at photographs later I real-
ized why), a few were intrigued and more
were put off. One person, not entirely sober,
started voicing the likely contents of my obit-
uary when I passed away from emphysema
induced heart failure.
"She was a nice girl," he said.
I didn't embark on this exploration without
any kind of medical supervision. I contacted
University specialist Ovide Pomerleau, who
told me that while he'd never heard of a non-
smoker going on a smoking binge, the short-
term health consequences could be disastrous
- ranging from lung damage to heart palpi-
tations from the excess nicotine. But wasn't
everyone else doing it? My lungs felt fine.
I bought a pipe two days later. I asked for
the cheapest one, which turned out to cost
$20. Before I could balk at the price, I saw that
the bowl was shaped like the head of a pirate
with a patch over his eye and a skull affixed to
the center of his turban. My only remaining
question was: Would one pipe enough?
I put the pipe on the counter along with
a bag of pipe tobacco and some cigarettes.
I must have flinched when I saw the tab,
$43.07, because the cashier leaned forward
and confided that "It's not a cheap habit."
And it's not. According to the University
Health Service website, on average, a smoker
spends upward of $1,600 a year fuelling his
vice. Then again, I spend about that much on
coffee and clothing.
The life of a smoker isn't an easy one. My
weekend could have been better. I wanted to
smoke the pipe while eating (or anywhere
indoors), but the only restaurant I could
The joys and hardships
of being a smoker for a
weekend.
think of that would let me was La Dolce Vita,
and at about $15 a plate for desert, I knew I
couldn't support gourmand tendencies as
well as pipe smoking. I ended up lighting up
in my kitchen, trying to direct the plumes of
smoke out the window.
It was difficult at first; just keeping the
pipe alight was a struggle. But 32 matches
later, I had managed to burn through five
Player's Navy Cut unfiltered cigarettes and a
full bowl of tobacco.
I don't plan on making a habit of pipe
smoking, but I'm happy to have bought one.
With smokers being forced out of bars and
restaurants across the world, my $43 worth
of donations to the tobacco industry at least
supports a corporate killer with a tradition.
American heroes like Martin Luther King
Jr. and Humphrey Bogart smoked, along
with great authors, newsmen and politicians.
Maybe smoking does knock off more Ameri-
cans than AIDS, drug abuse, car accidents
and crime, but how many does it give life to?
I feel good to have been part of that culture
even for a minute, though I suspect I looked
more like a strung-out Britney Spears than
Audrey Hepburn.
A minute, though, was enough.
As much as I'd love to look like Edward
R. Murrow, I'm heeding the Surgeon Gen-
eral's advice. I can see for myself that the
smoker's cough, the steep prices and the
looming health crises are ruining many of
my friends' lives. I'm hanging up my pipe
and extinguishing my cigar. But I can't say
for sure I won'tget an insuppressible craving
for another unfiltered cigarette - and that
burning, choked-up feeling.
After all, these things are addictive.
- Anne VanderMey is a LSA Junior
and the editor of The Statement.
eagUniversity U nions
League e Pierpont a Union