8 - Tuesday, January 30, 2007 The Michigan Daily - michiganclaily.com 8 - Tuesday, January 30, 2007 The Michigan Daily - michigandailycom 'Aces': Big guns, tiny plot By ELIE ZWIEBEL DailyArts Writer To ease the transition between "Ocean's 12" and the upcoming "Ocean's 13," Joe Carna- han ("Narc") took it upon himself to direct "Ocean's* 12.5" under the pseudonym "Smokin' Aces." As Carnah- Smokin' an isn't the director respon- Aces sible for the "Ocean's" trilogy (that would be Ste- At the Showcase ven Soderbergh), he com- and Quality16 pletely misses the mark on Universal how to make an entertain- - ingly hip criminal-action flick. "Aces" is quite clearly an "Ocean's" offshoot with only the most minimal casting adjust- ments. Instead of an angry Bernie Mac black man, Carnahan uses two angry Bernie Mac- esque black women; instead of Andy Garcia as a ruthless casino owner, there's Garcia as a manipulative FBI agent. Except for the unique absence of "Ocean's" central character (George Clooney's Danny Ocean), Carnahan's unorigi- nality threads throughout "Aces" with pre- dictable and formulaic plot twists frosted with excessive expletives and gore. After agreeing to be an informant on mafia activity, Buddy "Aces" Israel (Jeremy Piven, "Entourage") becomes the object of a $1 mil- lion bounty, reason enough for 11 hit men to race to Lake Tahoe in hopes of collecting before the eccentric entertainer enters FBI custody. Whether there's any Zionist significance behind the naming of Israel is debatable (and mostly dubious). Whilethethrillingpolice-drama "Narc"dem- onstrated Carnahan's potential with a provoca- tive plot and aunique, raw style, "Aces" is a clear display of how Carnahan's abilities have some- how devolved over the past five years. He now 0 (Insert lame joke about liking it "ruff" here.) At leastonescene in themnovie wassmoking. chooses gratuitous brutality to jolt the audience into quiet submission. This may actually work to Carnahan's benefit: The viewer becomes so shocked by all the bullets and blood that they can't even think about the film's plot twists. Stylistically speaking, "Smokin'Aces" appeals perfectly to Ritalin-popping children through the use of MTV-generation cuts shorter than anything even Michael Bay could have con- cocted. And not only is there inconsistency in sequence and shots, but "Aces" constantly shifts between a bevy of personalities. Each hit man has a unique persona ranging from neo-Nazi to Spanish torturer Piven's practice as the resident douche-bag on "Entourage" prepared him well for being an absolutely abhorrent asshole. Ryan Reynolds ("Just Friends") unexpectedly, though not in a completely unbelievable fashion, demonstrates some of the movie's only emotion, while Ben Affleck's ("Hollywoodland") role as a bounty hunter is almost so brief it should be consid- ered a cameo - though his chopper 'stache is certainly noteworthy. Ray Liotta's ("Identity") and Andy Garcia's ("Ocean's 12") respective roles are forgettable footnotes, much like the cinematic debuts of Common and Alicia Keys. Though Jason Bateman ("Arrested Develop- ment") has so few lines you could count them on both hands,he provides the movie's only laughs as a self-deprecating middle-man of crime. The film shows no strong devotion to any of its characters; in turn, the audience feels no strong dedication to any of the characters. THEY ALWAYS SHOOT - AND SOMETIMES SCORE: Collateral (2004): Tom Cruise finally plays to his truetype as the cold-hearted hitman who leads nice-guy taxi driverJamie Foxx on an all-night tour-de-murder. The Whole Nine Yards (2000): Bruce Willis and Matthew Perry buddy up in a behind-the-scene farce that makes as much fun of dentists as mercenaries. Grosse Point Blank (1997): John Cusack and Minnie Driver inject a little romance into the business of murder. Despite some writingand acting flaws, it'sgot a Michigan locale, high school reunion anxiety and a satisfying mini-course in using a ball- point pen as a weapon. The Professional (1994): Luc Besson's provocative tale of a complex hit man taking care of his abandoned 12-year-old neighbor introduced mainstream American to French badass Jean Reno, the terrifying inner psychopath of Gary Oldman and a then-unknown child actress by the name of Natalie Portman. Again, this may work to Carnahan's benefit, as almost none of the characters survive. After all the bullets have fallen and the body count has risen, "Smokin' Aces" weakly attempts to pitch an ultimate plot twist that comes as no sur- prise. While trying to piece together a pulp fiction cinematic style with a splice of a shocking Guy Ritchie finale, the film comes up short, stimulat- ing nothing but the adrenaline gland. A modest a absolutely By PAUL TASSI DailyArts Writer Once in a lifetime a film comes along that brilliantly captures the human spirit. "Blood and . , Chocolate" wants to be Blood and that soulful Chocolate tale, expos- ing through At the Showcase metaphor and Quality16 how society's MGM prejudices towards one minority group can destroy us all. It's also a really crappy movie about werewolves. Oh, where to even begin? How about Romania? Somewhere in Bucharest, the future werewolf queen Vivian (Agnes Bruckner, "Blue Car") falls in love with starv- ing artist Aidan (Hugh Dancy, "Basic Instinct 2"), much to the distress of her betrothed, were- wolf king Gabriel (Oliver Martinez "SWAT."). It's like an interspecies Romeo and Juliet, except not. At all. It's not clear what this movie is trying to be. The few action scenes largelyinvolve humansfightinglive wolves with silver butter knives, which isn't nearly as exciting as it sounds. Rather than hulking, computer-animated monsters, the wolves are real and actually kind of cute; it's hard to root against them. The equally uninspired romantic plot involves a montage ofthe happy couple literally lying in grass fields, playing in fountains and dancing in the streets, which, obviously, leads to love. Forbidden werewolf love. Being a werewolf, by the way, is awesome. You can drink all the absinth you want and attend goth- ic raves where everyone dances in slow motion like they're being attacked by invisible bats (possibly due to all the absinth). Did a girl turn you down for a dance? Eat her! You're a goddamn werewolf! And why walk down the street normally when you can leapfrog over park- ing meters and hop off walls for THE FUN IS JU ARTSPAGE@MIC illegory on nothing no reason? Werewolves- don't have time for sidewalks. And sure, you can leave all your clothes behind every time you transform into a wolf. Who cares? Buy new ones; werewolves are rich. They drive Maseratis! The film also informs us that, to werewolves, "blood tastes as sweet as chocolate," so we have a sense of comfort knowing that indeed the title was logical and notcompletely ridiculous as we first thought. Wait, no, it's still a terrible, terrible idea. What is the target audience for this movie? All the fanboys who drooled over Kate Beckensale's spandexed ass in "Underworld" won't be nearly as pleased with Agnes Bruckner, whose consistent- ly pouty expression makes her look like an six-year-old someone put in a time-out for the duration of the You'd think it'd be hard to make werewolves lame. film. And special effects junkies will be less than mystified by the transformation from man to wolf, which involves little more than a swan dive and a flash ofsilver light, missing only the phrase "It's mor- phin' time!" to be completely pulled from "Power Rangers." It's most likely "Blood and Chocolate" will develop a following of 14-year-old goth girls who wish they too could find true love as the queen of the werewolves. The movie fails on so many lev- els you lose track of them all. Stab- bing a cute wolf in the chest is not a good action sequence. Turning on a female werewolf by cutting your arm open is not a good love scene. And thinking that the world needs to see the overlooked romantic side of werewolves isn't a good reason to make a movie called "Blood and Chocolate." Predictable rom- com flounders By CHRISTINA CHOI DailyArts Writer There are few things in life as depressing as a funeral or as elat- ing as a new love. So what - do you get when you put Catch and them togeth- Release er? Funeral sex aside, At the Showcase the answer is and Quality16 "Catch and Sony Release," the lukewarm story of Gray Wheeler (Jennifer Garner, "13 Going on 30"), a young woman who has recently lost her fianc6. Acclaimed writer Susan- nah Grant ("Erin Brockovich") deserves some originality points in her directorial debut for including a supportive male cast in lieu of the standard female one to help allevi- ate Gray's woes. As she struggles to regain normalcy, she finds comfort in her ex-fiancd's friends - the sen- sitive Dennis (Sam Jaeger, "Lucky Number Slevin"), the quirky Sam (Kevin Smith, "Dogma") and the easygoing Fritz (Timothy Oly- phant, "The Girl Next Door"). While Dennis and Fritz can be easily slapped with labels of Nice Guy and Love Interest, respec- tively, Sam's constant quotes from boxes of Celestial Seasonings- brand tea and blunt wit anchors the film's loose claim to comedy. In a dinner scene, a self-conscious Gray spontaneously confesses that she once made out with another girl. After a moment of shock, Sam restores the light mood with the question "So were you bitch or butch?" The girlish Garner snuggles right into the role of the vulnerable Gray, who alternates from impul- sively painting her walls a Tampax blue to settling the legal affairs of her now ex-fianc6. Along the way, she stumbles upon a major discov- When the press photo is this lame, what do you expect? ery - that her husband-to-be was secretly paying child support to an illegitimate 3-year-old son named Even Garner can't salvage strained romance. Mattie (coo-worthy newcomer Joshua Friesen), the product of an affair that only Fritz knew about. This connection leads nice- ly into the rapidly developing romance between Gray and Fritz that utterly lacks believability as anything more than a rebound. The couple's first kiss occurs just after Gray slaps him in the face for lying to her. Is this meant to show- case the extreme vulnerability and confusion of Gray'sstate of mind? Or does Fritz just like it rough? Such a strained love story is too much for a film that has enough trouble interposing comedy and sensitivity in the wake of a somber funeral. While all of these themes are successfully juggled by the film's midpoint, it's only a matter of time before the whole thing inevi- tably falls flat. 0 0 6votuttopt4?ry Ch ritttasttj Christian faith that celebrates evolution and science DVI) series and discussion Wednesdays at 4:00 pm, twice a month Next meetings: Jan. 31, Feb. 7 Guild House Campaus Minsrry 80 2Monroer rosstom w e uracl wwv. sitemaker umdch edu guildlhouse I I L~vi~p the CQuestiojs of Falath av,.d Lfe - 4od I's still spea/sCe STS Flight Finder" "SRIE 1 .0064.44 -- I-w wstraeco The 2007 Hopwood Underclassmen Awards Academy of Amesrican Poets Prizr Bain-Swiggett Poety Priore Michael R. Gutterman Award in Poetry Jeffrey L. Weisberg Poetry Prize Roy W Cowden Memorial Fellowship Will be announced Tuesday,January 30, 3:30 p.m. Rackham Amphitheater (fourth floor of the Rackham Bldg.) Poetry Reading by Linda Pastan Author of: Queen of a Rainy Country Carnival Evening: New and Seected lems 1968-1998 An Early After i/ 7nhe Imper/cdParadise 7e Five Stages ofjGre*/ Free and open to the public. 6 bdG-Rkl' 4r W hAURA?,. k Do you experience a warning sign, such as numbness or visual disturbance, before a headache? If so, you may be eligible to participate in a research study evaluating an experimental nonmedicinal treatment during the aura phase of migraine. Qualified participants will receive study-related examinations, procedures and treatment at no cost and will be compensated for time and travel. For more information, call a research nurse at: Michigan Head*Pain & Neurological Institute 3120 Professional Drive * Ann Arbor, Ml (734) 677-6000, option 4 * www.mhni.com 0 A