4B - Thursday, January 25, 2007

(the b-side}

9

The Michigan Daily - michigandailycom

And the
award
goes
to..
Daily Arts rolls
out its own
red carpet

The agony of victory.

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Don't ever open this
envelope: It stinks.

By ELIE ZWIEBEL
DailyArts Writer
It's impossible to rate this shit.
In alphabetical order:
The Da Vinci Code - Pop-
culture literature without sub-
stance and little-to-no redeeming
value can only yield a pop-culture
film without substance and little-
to-no redeeming value. Without
his narratingjob on the now-can-
celled TV series "Arrested Devel-
opment," Ron Howard again
proves his capacity to direct crap
mysteriously considered creative
genius by the masses.
Date Movie - Director Aaron
Seltzer strings together a series
of unrelated spoofs, mockeries
and sketches to produce another
(Fill In The Blank) Movie. "Date
Movie" is ironic in that it is coun-
terproductive to the success of
any date you could possibly go on
- arguably worse than forgetting
a condom.
Employee of the Month
- Dane Cook is not funny. If
that reason isn't sufficient, he
should be banished from mov-
ies simply for his previous proj-
ects: "Mystery Men," "Stuck on
You" and "Simon Sez," co-star-
ring the illustrious Dennis Rod-

man. "Employee" ends up relying
upon Jessica Simpson's boobs,
Napoleon Dynamite's sidekick
and Andy Dick. Even the witti-
est script in the history of film
couldn't mask this casting.
Flags of our Fathers - Hail-
ing tons of hype for being a Clint
Eastwood flick, "Flags" enthu-
siasts forgot Eastwood, too, has
the ability to direct bad movies
- "Space Cowboys," for example.
Eastwood prides himself on mak-
ing films with mostly first or sec-
ond takes of scenes. "Flags" is an
example of the risk of this tech-
nique: haphazard constructions
of potentially poignant scenes.
The Guardian - It was a real
coup for director Andrew Davis to
bringtogether two of Hollywood's
biggest douche bags in one film:
flop-artist Kevin Costner and his
new apprentice Ashton Kutcher.
The only thing more nauseating
than the thought of these two in a
movie together is the factthat only
one of their characters can die.
Larry the Cable Guy: Health
Inspector - "Borat" co-star Ken
Davitian humorously appalled
audiences with an extended view
of his fat ass. Larry the Cable Guy
disgusted audience with just his
ass crack. No humor. Just gross.

The Pink Panther - Some-
thing about pairing a geriatric
comic with a young sex-symbol
unsettles the stomach. It's not
that director Shawn Levy should
have left the Peter Sellers original
classic alone...oh, wait, yes, that is
it.
Snakes on a Plane - All that
hype emphasized "Snakes" was
not so much a film but a vehicle
for one of Hollywood's token
angry tough guys to get angry
about something completely new:
the "motherfucking snakes on
this motherfucking plane." It's a
two-hour excuse for a single line.
Tenacious D in: The Pick of
Destiny - There is a new form
of Black-sploitation in film, and
it relies upon Jack Black's ability
to never change character. End-
less cameos and a scene mixing
'shrooms and sasquatch can't
redeem "D" for its excessive use
of poop humor.
And any of the following
sequels: "Van Wilder 2," "The
Santa Clause 3," "The Grudge
2," "Saw 3," "Clerks 2," "Basic
Instinct 2," "Final Destination
3," "Big Momma's House 2,"
"The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo
Drift."
Etc. Ad nauseum.

Most suggestive titles
"Lady inthe Water," "Stick It," "Inside
Man," "Kinky Boots," "TheDescent,"
"Pulse," "Crank," "She's the Man,' "Lassie"

Lame.
"Eagon"

IT ALL ADDS UP

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"The Last King of Scotland"
70s fi m icon + beer gut - dignit
"Rocky Balboa"

"Notes on a Scandal"
"The Fountain"
Daily Arts.
Mass
meeting
Monday at
7:30 p.m.
I 413 E.
IT Huron St.
TE.PHP

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If you have never been to St. Mary's or if you have been away for a while we invite you to:
Welcome Sunday
Welcoming reception after every Mass
(come lefore the 9pm mass)
Come aind lring a friend! All are welcome!
Mass schedule:
Saturday 5:00 pm
Sunday 8:30, 10:00, & 10:10 am, Noon, 2:00
Spanish, 5:00, 7:00 & 9:00 pm
For more info, contact St. Mary's at 663-0557 or visit www.stmarystudentparish.org
331 Thompson Street
Ass Arbor, MI 48104
At William & Thompson Streets across from the Cottage Inn
St. Mary Student Parish and Newman Catholic Student Association

THE COEN BROTHERS'
THE
BIG LEBOWSK
SATURDAY, JAN. 27 @ MIDNIGH
FOR MORE INFO VISIT WWW.MICHTHEATER.ORG/STA

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bduGRM~rWTH AURA
Ur AvACUir?
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Qualified participants will receive study-related examinations,
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and travel.
For more information, call a research nurse at:
Michigan Head-Pain & Neurological Institute
3120 Professional Drive - Ann Arbor, MI
(734) 677-6000, option 4 * www.mhni.com

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