YOU'RE DRUNK, IT'S 2 A.M., WHY
AREN'T YOU HERE? TABLETALK,PAGE 4B.

VAMPIRE STYLE VERY MUCH ALIVE FOR FALL. PAGE 4B.
B
THE MICHIGAN DAIIX
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2006

Short,
sweet and

snappy

essica Simpson gives ser-
vice with a smile."
Well, well, if that isn't
a tagline worth a thousand words.
Surely
you've
seen the
ubiquitous
internet
hanner
promo- ,.
tions for
Simpson's
latest artis-
tic effort,
"Employ- KRISTIN
ee of the MACDONALD
Month."
She's at it again - smile painted,
chest pumped. Let the depressed,
disbelieving head-shaking begin.
But in lieu of the predictable
eye roll at yet another sadly blatant
effort to market Simpson sheerly
on sex appeal, here's a thematic
180 - a look back at the art of the
movie tagline. While this fall has
certainly been a particularly unin-
spiring season for poster wit thus
far (i.e. "Gridiron Gang" - "One
Goal: A Second Chance,"), you
know the studio advertising is
really drawing at straws when
Simpson's personal celebrity is
tagged over her film's plot. It's a
TV talk show marketing move,
an unusual slip for the polished
cliches of typical film promo-
tion and its thorough mastery of
such advertising stand-bys as the
cornball pun and the exclamation
point. After all, Hollywood would
never continue to churn out its
usual shlock if it wasn't convinced
it could sell it. f' '*
Like any good convention,
taglines come in types. There's
the cutesy near-homophone, a la
2000's "Mousehunt": "The squeak
shall inherit the earth." There's
the heroic platitude, like 1986's
"Platoon": "The first casualty of
war is innocence." There's the plot
tease ("Not every gift is a bless-
ing:' from "The Sixth Sense") and
the catchphrase ("Leisure Rules"
from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off").
And then there's the almost non-
sensical hyperbole, along the lines
of 1951's "The African Queen":
"The greatest adventure man ever
lived ... with a woman!"
Such old movie taglines
- slaves to the exclamation point,
lovers of capslock - are generally
the guiltiest of ludicrous hyper-
bole. They're also, not coinciden-
tally, by far the most fun. Consider
a comparison between 1959's
"The Mummy" and Brendan
Fraser's recent update. The older
one's poster reads "Its evil look
brings MADNESS! Its evil spell
ENSLAVES! Its evil touch KILLS
KILLS KILLS!" Forty years later,
the new version simplifies the
sentiment to a mere "Uncover the
secret. Unlock the legend. Unleash
the power." What a killjoy.
Note, however, how both mar-
keting eras effectively utilize
the three-part construction. If
there's one dependable way to
sell a movie, it's with the catchy
rhythm of veni vidi vici. "Same
make. Same model. New mission"
("Terminator 2"). "Part man. Part
machine. All cop" ("Robocop").
And, of course, the immortal ad
See MACDONALD, page 2B

road

H-

LIST

Sept. 28 to 31

IN THE ARTS ON THE TOWN

A weekly guide to
who's where, what's
happening and
why you should be
there. Arts editors
recommend this
week's best bets.

ON THE FLOOR
The top players in the Midwest
breakdancing scene converge for the
Battle of Ann Arbor, presented by
Element 1, the University's break-
dancing and popping club. Teams and
single contestants from all over the
region whip out high-energy mind
and body-bending stunts and battle for
cash prizes to the music of live DJs.
Tomorrow in the The Union Ballroom
of the Michigan Union, beginning at 8
p.m. Admission is $5.

Get acquainted with Michigan's
own Keith Taylor as he reads his poet-
ry tonight as part of the Zell Visiting
Writer's series. Prof. Taylor is a lectur-
er in the English Department and the
head of the Undergraduate Creative
Writing Program. His book "Guilty
at the Rapture" a collection of poetry
and short prose, was published last
spring by Hanging Loose Press. The
event is p.m. at the RC Auditorium in
East Quad. Admission is free.

Show off your wheels at the Ann
Arbor FilmFestival's first ever Bike-In
fundraiser, which will feature a dou-
ble-bill of the '80s cult-hit "Goonies"
and the 2005 film "Still We Ride."
The drive-in style screening will be
held in the parking lot of the soon-
to-be-demolished Frieze Building, so
be sure bundle up and bring snacks.
It's this Sunday beginning at 8 p.m.;
donations ($5 suggested) go to the
Ann Arbor Film Festival.

ON SCREEN
Before the authoritarian world
of "V for Vendetta" tried to scare
crap out of you, there was "A Clock-
work Orange." The State Theater
will show Stanley Kubrick's bizarre
classic at midnight Saturday. Based
on the Anthony Burgess novel, "A
Clockwork Orange" features Mal-
colm McDowell as Alex, a punk who
is apprehended by the authorities
and subjected to some seriously foul
behavior modification.

A