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Excerpts from 'Funny Funerals'
By Jett Stone
o thank you, Ms.
Ritter, I just don't
feel comfortable
doing this, but I do appreciate
your efforts in trying to incorpo-
rate me into the service."
One would assume that a polite
refusal to play guitar during the
Orthodox Catholic funeral ser-
vice of a friend's mother would
stand as a definitive statement.
Unfortunately, a covert operation
between my father and Ms. Ritter
disregarded my assertive stance. I
turned down the offer for an intu-
itive reason: Why would I want to
strum a guitar at the alter while
the church filled with mourning
family members and friends pay-
ing respect to a woman who tragi-
cally died in her sleep five days
earlier? Her passing left all of
her friends and family in a state
of sheer astonishment and grief,
and I certainly did not want to
be the face they were forced to
see during her funeral service.
Plus, I doubted that an acoustic
version of the AC/DC's Back in
Black was appropriate music for
a devastated family bowing their
heads before an alter. What kind
of eulogy would my rock music
be, anyway?
I woke up the morning of the
funeral and walked tiredly to my
father's car. After a half-hour
drive, we arrived at the church
where I saw Ms. Ritter waiting
outside. She approached me and
thanked me kindly for "doing
this." I responded, "Oh of course
I want to pay my respects; I
wouldn't have considered not
attending ... " To my surprise
and dismay, I realized that Ms.
Ritter's comment was made in
reference to my "commitment"
to play guitar at the service, not
my mere willingness to attend the
funeral. Though taken off guard
by her flagrant disregard for the
clarity of my previous response,
I explained to her again that I
was sorry I didn't feel comfort-
able playing at the funeral, and
with some relief, explained that I
didn't even bring my guitar with
me. Just as the apology rolled off
my tongue, my father executed
the final operation of his incred-
ibly underhanded plot. Turn-
ing around, I saw him standing
proudly outside his car, gripping
my steel resonator guitar by its
neck as if it was a 15-pound cat-
fish he just caught. He said, "Oh,
don't worry Ms. Ritter, I brought
it for him."
I sat in a chair, stage left, nes-
tled near the pianist who played at
such funerals for her living. When
I got the nod from the priest, I
began plucking out as many som-
ber minor chords as I went into an
improvised conglomerate of what
I considered mourning music.
As people slowly walked in and
took their seats, I kept my head
down, focusing on maintaining
the steadiness of my trembling
fingers. All the while, I envisioned
the individual faces of those enter-
ing the church, and I wanted so
dearly to just mix in with the rest
of them on the pews which were
slowly filling. I felt completely
naked, strumming my guitar next
to an open coffin bearing the body
of my friend's deceased mother
who I never even met alive. I
improvised for 10 minutes until
the piano player tapped me on the
shoulder signifying that it was her
turn to take over the music for the
rest of service.
I stood up, overwhelmingly
self-conscious of every gesture
and expression. I certainly didn't
expect any riveting Grammy-win-
ning applause, but the deafening
silence ravaged my confidence,
and I wished someone would have
forced a coughed or just moved in
their seat to break the hush. There
was an ominous silence as I rose to
walk back to my seat, and my fin-
gers continued to shake in tandem
with the rest of my body. For all
I knew, I had desecrated a corpse
along with every ear in the church,
and it certainly didn't help that I
had no way of gauging the quality
of my music. I awkwardly shuffled
over and around the seated guests,
and finally sat down with the rest
of my friends to feel the impact of
a funeral service.
- Stone is an LSA senior.
Magazine Editor: Jameso V. Dod
As.oite Magaine Editor: Chris Gaerig
Literar'y Editor: Cyan Jam"es
Designers:, Bridget O'Donnellsad
Morgan Mc~ay
Managng Editor:, Jeffrey Bloomer,
I I
3B THE JUNK DRAWER
What you should and
shouldn't be talking about
on campus this week.
,1
for more information call 734/615-6449
The University of Michigan College of Literature, Science.
and the Arts presents a public lecture and reception
4B
ARCHITECTURE COLUMN
Austin Dingwall on the
completion of the area
surrounding the School of
Public Health building.
10B HISTORY COLUMN
Clarence Cook Little:
eugenicist, tobacco
industry defender, Uni-
versity president.
11B ESSAY
A short essay from
Jett Stone about his
experiences playing
guitar at a strang-
er's funeral.
university unions-
almost as good as
w w w. um ic h. e d u/~uunions
[it's always yc
0
Meeting Needs for the 21" Century
5B BIG HOUSE, BIG CHANGE
An argument against
the renovations planned
for the Big House.
6B -PALESTINIAN LIFE
The everyday lives of
West Bank Palestinians
in the midst of conflict.
cur turn to speak.]
Mark E. Meyerhoff
Philip J. Elving Collegiate Professor of Chemistry
Wednesday
September 27, 2006
~LSA Raokham Amphitheater
4:10 PM
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