April 1, 2006
arts. michigandaily. com
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Hollerin' at the masses
It's the end of the school year,
and what do we have to show
for it except a dent in our GPAs
and stories to hide from futur6
employers? For Hollywood celebri-
ties, it's time to show off the fruits
of those carefully molded telation-
ships: tabloid-ready newborns.
The most famous celebrity par-
ents of the moment are none other
than thetan-loving Scien-
tologists Tom Cruise;and
Katie Holmes. Sourc.,s
revealed that the two
will follow the Sciento-
logic belief that a mother
should not speak to her
newborn for the weak
following its birth ;o as
to avoid associating his
mother's voice witi the
trauma of birth. Given
that whiny Ohio accentM
it might not be the worst M
idea. Maybe they an throw in
Tom's absence fog- a few years and
stave off the trat ma of having a
closeted gay "faj her."
Moving from/Scientology to Kab-
balah, Britney Spears got herself in
trouble with fa/mily services after
her child allegedly fell from a high
chair and cracked his skull. A few
more times end little Sean Preston
and his dad will finally be able to
hold a decer4t conversation. Hell,
throw on KeFed's craptastic "Popo-
zao." That should speed up the pro-
cess of illiteracy.
As a sid4e note, in my last column
I remarked that Gwyneth Paltrow
would b'p giving birth to a child
but sht ended up naming the child
Moses. Now I didn't mean to say
that ;the religious figure was gay. I
ev'n watched "The Ten Command-
neents" again this past weekend to
ye if I may have missed something,
but I'm.pretty certain Moses wasn't
gay. Sure, he seemed to pay a little
too much attention in maintaining
that coiffed hair and perfect tan, but
I'll let that slide.
One actor set out to prove his
heterosexuality is "That '70s
Show" star Wilmer Valderrama.
Perhaps overcompensating for the
inferiority complex he developed
as the immigrant punching bag
on the sitcom, Valderrama went
through his Teen People conquests
in vivid detail on the Howard Stern
show. He described taking Mandy
Moore's virginity as "really good"
but not like "warm apple pie," and
called Ashlee Simpson loud in bed.
His description of Jennifer Love
Hewitt as "an 8," however, got him
in trouble with the top-heavy, emo-
tionally stunted actress. She quickly
i rebuffed the notion that
the two ever had sex,
jokingly remarking that
she couldn't remember it
I GHB: It's a hell of a
enthusiast Paris Hilton
made a video appear-
ance at Hugh Hefner's
80th birthday celebra-
tion. In a failed attempt
to show singing ability
before her upcoming record release,
the lingerie-clad celebutante sang
"Happy Birthday" to Viagra's big-
gest consumer. It's just like Marilyn
Monroe and JFK! Like Hyannis
Port with less lobsters, more crabs.
America's other favorite blonde,
Jessica Simpson, got herself into
a tiff with newly auburn-haired
Lindsay Lohan. The club circuit's
version of Biggie/Tupac featured
hairdressers instead of gangsters;
their entourages traded insults
after Lohan tried to sit next to her
supposed boyfriend, director hack
Brett Ratner. When Lohan was
called a bitch, nearby patrons heard
her respond by yelling, "What's the
matter? When your sister is around,
you can talk shit about me, but now
that Ashlee's not here, what are you
going to do? Come on! I'm 19 and
you're 25. Say something, you cow-
ard!" Jessica Simpson promptly fol-
lowed up by openly crying in front
of the confused crowd. Finally,
after a semester of sharing gossip,
it's good to know that some things
never change: bitches be crazy.
- Mattoo is getting more and
more vitriolic and crabby. He doesn't
want to write about gossip anymore,
expressing instead a desire to explore
the finer points of theology on the Daily
Arts page. Tell him you love his Paris
Hilton jokes at firstname.lastname@example.org.
PRINCE RETURNS TO SULTRY FORM ON '3121'
By Kimberly Chou
Daily Arts Writer
Music R EVIEW** k
Prince is a Jehovah's Witness.
Or so he says.
Sure, the days of assless jumpsuits and an ever-
evolving rotation of buxom
proteges are gone. But if Prince
keeps coming up with such Prince
lascivious tracks as the moan- 3121
inducing "Black Sweat," the NPC/Universal
artist formerly (and once again
on his newest release 3121)
known as a sexy motherfucker just isn't convincing
as a socially conservative Christian.
"You can act hard if you want to / This groove
will make you sweet," Prince demurs over a rattling
pattern of handclaps on "Black Sweat." "You'll
be screaming like a white lady / When I count to
three." And that high-pitched, melodic whine cut-
ting above the rhythmic din? Even the studio's mix-
ing board might be having an orgasm.
2004's Musicology might have been Prince's
comeback album, and what followed included both
a surprise Grammy performance and a Rock and
Roll Hall of Fame induction. The release garnered
a couple Grammy nods, and Prince had his chance
to wax both politically and spiritually on the record,
but Musicology left something to be desired. At
least it did for those fans still desperately holding
on to their Purple Rain LPs.
During the last three decades, Prince has proven
his various talents as an artist: He's an adroit song-
writer, an underrated multi-instrumentalist and a
producer. For the most part - save for that god-
awful period in the '90s - his notorious perfec-
tionism has served him well.
While Prince is more than capable when it comes
to subtle love ballads, there's a reason why he's
known for libido-driven funk jams. Prince made
the genre his own, mixing essential influences like
James Brown and George Clinton with androgyny
and sexual promiscuity. If music could be personi-
fied, Prince's catalogue would be one saucy, well-
But on 3121, Prince get spiritual. He gets politi-
cal. And then he croons, "Girl ... Eye'm gonna seek
this thing like a buried treasure." Goddamn.
It's a game of subtlety and innuendo; the man
doesn't need to be as explicit as he used to be (see:
"Pussy Control" on 1995's Gold Experience).
On "Satisfied," a silken Prince vocal wraps itself
around old-school soul horns. It'd be a fitting opener
for a late-'50s Sam Cooke concert, save for Prince's
demand that his lady send her company home and
turn off her cell phone.
The title track isn't an apocalyptic deadline like
"1999," but the spacey opener is still an invitation
to party. On an ode to a mythical address, Prince
teases his vocals; he tweaks his falsetto and slows
down the digitized tenor melody, effectively sing-
ing a two-part harmony and backup on his own.
The tight pop structure of classic Prince shows
up on "The Fury" and "Lolita," with layers of
bright synthesizer and tart keys. It's not so much
he's ran out of ideas, but rather he's finding new
ways to revamp what works well.
But every once in a while, the listener is remind-
ed why Prince fell off the charts for most of the
last decade: overindulgent balladry and wholly
unnecessary rap passages. "Incense and Candles"
There are definitely signs of Prince's growing
spirituality. A number of 3121 song titles could be
strung together for a sermon: "Beautiful, Loved
and Blessed," "Love," "The Word."
It's a precarious balance between earthly and
heavenly love, if you want to get into Plato or St.
Augustine. On 3121, Prince gets closer to reconcil-
ing his higher love with the basic love of getting
freaky. As he says on the title track, its going down
like the Wall of Berlin.
'Bonds on Bonds' a skewed glance at a star
By Michael Passman
Daily Arts Writer
Spring training is on the hori-
zon, and a surprisingly jovial Barry
Bonds lounges on
his couch reading
the latest issue
of GQ magazine.
right there man,"
Tuesday at 7 p.m.
The idea of Bonds having his own
reality show might seem preposter-
ous. Why would a man who is noto-
rious for not even giving an inch to
journalists allow a team of camera-
men to follow him around? Combine
this with Bonds's closing in on Babe
Ruth's career home run mark and a
rejuvenated steroid-use investiga-
tion, and the whole situation seems
a recipe for disaster.
While some would attempt to
escape the media's watchful eye at
all costs in times like these, Bonds
has gone in the other direction. He
uses the show as a platform to tell
his story the way he wants.
The inherent problem with all this
is that Bonds has little to no cred-
ibility with most people. It's unde-
niable that the man has undergone
drastic physical changes throughout
his career. With allegations coming
from every direction, his words are
not exactly gospel.
With this in mind, the produc-
ers wisely included more than just
Bonds denying steroid allegations
for an hour - in fact, he never does.
Between documenting his everyday
routines, the show delves into pre-
viously untouched areas of his per-
Bonds speaks candidly about
his father Bobby Bonds: a baseball
star in his own day. He talks about
the heavy alcoholism he witnessed
around the Giants clubhouse as a
young boy, and his father's own per-
sonal battle with drinking. He also
cites his father's mentally abusive
coaching methods as his fuel to
prove professional naysayers wrong
and excel in baseball.
Bonds's emotional roller coaster
- fabricated or not - is the most
provocative and yet questionable
aspect of the show. At one point in
the pilot, he talks about the hate
mail and malicious phone calls he
receives on a regular basis from total
strangers. While Bonds has always
maintained that he doesn't care what
the outside world thinks of him,
onscreen he seems phased by the
public's outcry, eventually breaking
down as he opens up about the dam-
age the press has done to him and
his family and his fear of not letting
those close to him down.
While this is compelling to a cer-
tain extent, you can't help but think
that much of this was cultivated by
the train-wreck that is Barry Bonds.
Regardless of this new look, the
viewer might be averse to the show
simply because they don't trust or
care for the distant Giants slugger.
But those who give Bonds a chance
will find an athlete unlike any other.
And with Ruth and Aaron's records
in range, the show promises to be an
enticing, if a bit skewed, look at one
of contemporary America's most
controversial sports figures.
upbeat Bonds while reading that
Terrell Owens one-upped him as the
athlete most hated by his peers.
The seemingly careless Bonds is
in stark contrast to the player we've
loved to hate in the past years. As
famous for his crushing bombs as he
is for media feuds and a damaging
steroid scandal to boot, Bonds has a
chance to show off his many faces
on "Bonds on Bonds," ESPN's new
No, no, no, no ... We totally believe you about the steroid thing.
ke to recognize the
mbers of the Class
Hajder Abdulnabi Ashley rley Robert Rez 'ck
ichael Adler Nikki seph Andrew Rink
Ki et A k Ano ri Kadakia James Rocker
Emily Arents Mi ael Kang Kristen Rohrbec
Elizabeth Barrett An j Kapoor Chastity Rolling
Christine Beamer B an Ketner Lisa Rukavina
Frances Bechek S san King Shallu Sahore
Rudolph Becker M rla Kramer , Edward Santos
Jennifer Beight R chel Lang Cynthia Saw
Andrew Bogaard W dy Lee Matt Scarlata
Kristen Burg ~~~~~~~Hu Fang Lim Jolene Schaefe
Jean Ca ell d Lin Josh Serlin
Kare armichael Just mont Alison Smit
M ory Cooper Sara April Smi
eve Crompton Olga Ma it Rebe Solomon
ilary Dauffenbach-Tabb Ayako Oha a Stork
Robert Dood Donovan 0', eill Meera Tavathia
Stephanie Dunseith Catalina Oyl r Lauren Underwood
Yasmin Elsayed Jennifer Par r Leslie Unroe
Randi Fires Adriana Parti a-Rodriguez Cristina Vaduva
Kristin Garrison Adam Paul Katie Waggoner
Jihada Green Rebecca Pe oski Kara Wasson
Congratulations to the following University of Michigan
Students on their positions with LaSalle Bank Corporation: