4B - The Michigan Daily - Wednesday, April 12, 2006
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The Gamekillers OBITUARIES April 2006
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Andre Massis
Fernando Nieves
Zack Danielson
Hanwey Shieh
Bharat Kumar
Eric Smith
Jon Fox
Chad Utsch
the bathroom, Zack found the girl he
was seeing had been surrounded by
a beefy mesomorph, Early Man, who
tried to use his abundant muscle to
strong-arm him out of the picture. Zack
did not keep his cool and accused his
young lady friend of flirting with the
first guy who came along. His girl, no
doubt disgusted by Zack's over-the-
top bravado, fled the scene when his
far from attractive jealousy escalated
into Zack throwing a punch, which
was caught in mid-air by something
that looked like a hand, but felt like a
201b vice. By the time Zack re-gained
consciousness, he was home alone
and unable to console himself with
his dominant hand.
MASSIS Andre, Sao Paulo, BR
Was lured away from a pretty young
thing and into a heated game of
'Foos' by his good friend Carl-more
commonly known as "The Mayor of
No Women's Land." While Andre
made several attempts to step away
and pack into contention with the said
female, Carl's relentless pursuit for all
things that don't involve getting some,
was ultimately too much for the young
Andre. He quickly found himself
sweating it out over the air hockey
table, from where he would catch a
glimpse of his young beauty heading
out the door with another suitor.
Andre's game will be remembered by
many, just not her.
men with British accents, so all it took
was a single "pardon" to make his girl
raise an eyebrow toward this game
killing Redcoat. This prompted Bharat
to get riled by calling out the guy's
busted grill of yellowing bad teeth
and comparing the merits of baseball
over cricket, The British Accent Guy
smiled and opened his mouth only to
offer small bits of non-confrontational
banter, allowing his accent to seep
into the girl's brain like a piece of
brilliant propaganda. In the end, the
Brit would invade on Bharat's territory
with ease, taking the girl, and leaving
Bharat's game strewn on the road as
a piece of collateral damage.
SMITH Eric, Washington, DC
His game came to its demise in
the most unlikely of circumstances.
While engaging in two of his most
pleasurable pastimes: talking about
boats, with his other passion, a
beautiful girl who seemed genuinely
interested. They were even planning
to go out in his 15-foot dinghy, only
to hit unseen rocks in the form of The
One Upper, the classic Gamekiller
who lives by the motto "Anything you
can do I can do better." Sure enough,
The One Upper claimed to not only
know boats, but he also boasted of
captaining his own 40-foot vessel.
Eric tried to navigate to the calmer
waters of car talk but was run over
again by The One Upper's supposed
vintage German roadster. The tension
quickly mounted, and soon the two
were engaged in a ruthless game of
one-upmanship. On and on they went,
seeing what the other guy just said
and raising him. When the smoke
cleared, Eric had won the gloat-fest,
but the girl was nowhere to be found.
No one likes a braggart. Eric's game
was last seen drifting away towards
the vast sea of loneliness in an
undersized boat.
Wamr KI-10
for willing and unwilling recipients
alike with his family's fortune, which
he shamelessly flaunted in the form of
an array of high status plastic. This
caused Jon to suddenly lose his cool
and go on the defensive by opening
a tab of his own. On his debit card.
After three rounds, Jon's account was
maxed. Shortly after he was dropped
off alone would Jon learn the hard
way that a woman's affection should
never be for sale, and that many a
man has gone broke trying to prove
otherwise.
01
SHIEH Hanwey, Los Angeles, CA
Hanwey was chatting up a Latin diva
at an apartment complex barbecue
and his game was hot enough to
pose a fire hazard, that is until his
friend and cocoon of horror known
as The Mess entered the picture and
snatched Hanwey up like a flash
flood of distraction. Somewhat of a
loose cannon, The Mess immediately
engaged Hanwey in the age-old male
bonding tradition of lighting ones
own farts. Sure, there's little more
enticing than the ignition of one's own
combustible human gasses, but much
like riding an electric scooter, you
don't look that cool doing it. When
the laughter subsided, Hanwey was
left with nothing but a good laugh
and the faint smell of old eggs, while
his lady was snared by a new suitor.
Man, talk about blowing it.
UTSCH Chad, New Brunswick, NJ
His game was faring nicely at the
local coffee shop with a seemingly
receptive latte drinker called Rita
and he seemed well on his way to a
little afternoon delight, that is until the
corduroy-clad Gamekiller known as
"10" entered picture. This pompous
scholastic scavenger, famous for
luring men into heated debates on
subjects of which they know nothing,
over-heard the conversation turning
to art and pounced. Immediately he
steered the dialogue into an area
known as Out Of Chad's Depth where
he would dish out ever increasing
portions of intellectual emasculation.
Chad reacted as anyone with a 20
point I1 deficit facing "1Q" would:
the wrong way. No, the answer to
"When do you feel Picasso peaked?"
isn't to shove the questioner in the
chest. Rita was left to apologize
emphatically for Chad's actions and
asked if she could make up for it in
some way. Chad tried to recover, but
it was too late. He had lost his cool,
and his game would retire home,
where it would begin its own blue
period.
0
NIEVES Fernando, New York, NY
His game was alive and 'ell on its
way to a ten digit exchange with
a hottie known as Britney, but was
suddenly bushwhacked by a classic
Gamekiller, The Drama Queen. She
ran into the scene, tears streaming,
and sobbed a story of having seen
her ex from four years ago. "I, I, I
just can't be alone tonight, Brit." Still
a retrievable situation had Fernando
kept his cool. But he didn't. "Four
years seems like a long time ago," he
said in all innocence. By the time The
Drama Queen was done flipping the
script, Fernando was re-cast in the role
of "the villain" in front of a crowd of
horrified on-lookers. No one hooks up
with an insensitive pig. Rest in peace
Fernando, but you sleep alone.
DANIELSON Zack, Atlanta, GA
Obituaries can be created and sent
via email to friends at gamekillers.com
FOX Jon, London, UK
Jon's game, beloved to many a
cheerleader and facilitator of the
menage of 2003, was fairing well at
a Gold Coast club with a delightful
pair of sisters. That is until the playboy
predator and full time Gamekiller
simply known as Kash Munni entered
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