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April 12, 2006 - Image 9

Resource type:
The Michigan Daily, 2006-04-12

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Wednesday, April 12,


I know, I know. You opened up the Daily and said, "OMG, where's the Arts page!?"
It's OK. In lieu of the dearly departed Weekend Magazine, Arts announces this pilot
issue of "The B-side," a new features section that will give us a chance to write about
things that don't usually fit on our page. It's a work in progress, but in the fall, you
can expect to see it weekly, and maybe - if we can find the money, that is - even in
color. In the meantime, enjoy. There's some fantastic writing inside.
- Jeffrey Bloomer
Managing Arts Editor

a e Etugttn tt 1

The old
man and
the V


This is not an advertisement.
This is not a plea.
This is not a bitter plaint.
It's just a part of me.
jT n anticipation of a brisk afternoon in
late April, a puma clears his stony
Or legend has it so.
I still have hazy memories of a drowsy
beefcake in a yellow poncho who, under a
warm July rain, led my orientation group
around the University campus.
His rocky shoulders were, as I recall,
cause of some salacious whispers
amongst the female half of the audience.
I don't remember much of what he said,
but I do remember that he pointed to a
pair of statues outside the Natural Sci-
ence Museum and said this: "Legend
has it, every time a virgin graduates
from the University of Michigan, these
pumas will growl." At this, I heard some
muted snickers emanating from beneath
a few umbrellas - mostly male laughter
- snickering, presumably, at the very
thought - a virgin? Post-college? How
ludicrous an idea.
In my bitter little mind, the laughers
were the lucky males who, at age 16 or
so, had lured the local pony-tailed floozy
to a secluded hammock somewhere, had
sighed a few sweet nothings into her tiny
porcelain ear, and had consummated
their boyhood dreams, then and there, in
sweet and sweaty triumph. I hadn't done
that. But I laughed too. A little.
I didn't want them to know.
At 22 years old, and as a senior, I'm
a little reluctant to admit my virginity.
So why publish this in The Michigan
Daily, you ask? Because fuck it. I'm
Much of my reluctance stems from the
fact that some of the people that are "in
the know" choose to, for lack of a bet-
ter phrase, be dicks about it. One dude,
for instance, has opened a betting pool
about who will lose his virginity first out
of a group of three gentlemen from high
school. I am one of these gentlemen, and,
while this may sound somewhat arro-
gant, my company isn't very flattering.
That said, my friend has still bet
against me (as it turns out, smartly).
"Eicke," he drunkenly stammered one
evening, "you could lose your virginity
tonight, if you really wanted to, if you
would just grow some fucking balls.
You could just go to a fucking frat party
and point. And I know (contestant one)
couldn't do that. But I bet on (contestant
one), because he isn't a pussy. He would
take an opportunity. Just be a goddamn
man. Jesus, (contestant two) is going to
get laid before you"
I don't know why I let this hopelessly
intoxicated schmuck get to me that night,
but I did. His words still echo around in
my cranium every now and then, and
occasionally, his ideas are compounded
by someone else.
My co-worker, for one, actually
laughed in my face when I told him a few
months ago. He tittered and said, "Are
you kidding me? You dated this last girl
for how long? Like over a year, right?
You must have some unearthly patience,
man. If I'm not in her pants in 72 hours,
I am gone."
I get this reaction of disbelief quite a bit.
I tell them that "the situation has not pre-
sented itself," which might be a little bit of a
lie. But then comes a series of questions:
"Are you like a super-Catholic or
"Are you really awkward in private?"
"Do you have bad breath?"
Only in the morning.
"Are you gay?"
"Did you make some promise to your
grandma before she kicked the bucket?"

Now here is something worth getting
excited about. Even with Mr. Serena Wil-
liams (Brett Ratner) behind the camera,
the combination of sweet mutant-y action
and delightfully over-the-top politics (Hey,
even minorities with super powers have
a rough time of it!), the X-Men franchise
has yet to disappoint even the comic's
rabid fanbase. (May 26)

animated-film market, Owen Wilson will
voice a hotshot youngster who must make
amends for his impulsivity. Seen that film
before? Betcha ain't seen it with a car as
the main character. Michael Keaton, Paul
Newman and racing legends Richard Petty
and Darrell Waltrip provide the voices in
what should be a no-thinking-required laf-
fer for the tykes. (June 9)
See FILM, page 3B

UM ARCA DlUM(Warner Brothers)
Instead of letting Anthony Kiedis leisurely
surf and screw supermodels until he turns into
Iggy Pop (a comparison of the two is basically
one of those lost-child, age-progression photo-
graphs), RHCP are putting out a new album. A
new double album, to be precise - 25 tracks
spanning everything they do best, according
to the band. Expect everything from dinosaur-
heavy, funk-sex stomps to California-inspired
pretty little ditties. (May 9)
NOMO - NEW TONES(Ubiquity)
Ann Arborites Nomo recently signed with

the esteemed Ubiquity Records, on which they
will release their recently finished sophomore
album New Tones May 9. After a tour opener
at the Blind Pig on May 13, Nomo will take
their African polyrhythms and free-jazz funk
on the road as they tour from Cambridge,
Mass. to Portland, Ore. So if you're head-
ing home for the summer, let the best of Ann
Arbor come to you. (Summer 2006 with a
May 13 stop at the Blind Pig)
See MUSIC, page 3B

"CARS" (Disney)
In another Disney attempt toi

regain the

April 14 to 16, 2006
A weekly guide
to who's where,
what's harnnen-

The soon-to-be-missed Arena
Theater in the Frieze Building will

Sick of the clubs and seedy
house parties on campus? This

This Friday at 8 p.m., The Cre-
ative Arts Orchestra will join

If you can't stand the thought of
rounding up a bunch of kindergart-

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